My marriage is over and I have no-one I can talk to

MoD

My husband told me this afternoon that he wants to leave and be on his own. We have been together half our lives and I believed we would be together forever. I am shattered by this. I have many concerns about the financial and practical implications of this, but my biggest worry is our son.
Our son (our only child) went off to Uni in September and is due home next weekend for Christmas. He is finding the course harder than expected, but is for a career he's been working towards for several years. He's been hugely stressed out and I've already received texts saying he can't cope and wants to quit. He is also struggling with living away from home for the first time. He would be completely shattered by us splitting and I'm terrified that it will be too much for him to cope with. His Dad doesn't understand how much this is going to affect him.

We can put on a good front for Christmas, (we are still friends but he just doesn't love me anymore) He is happy to do this (he suggested it first, although I was thinking it).

I have no-one to talk to and don't know what else to do.

indsty

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this position. Firstly, take a very deep breath and focus. Your son is now an adult - help him make his own choices - if he is so stressed out at uni then maybe he needs to rethink. Sometimes the career you have wanted "for ever" is not what you want when you actually get to the point of doing it.

You and he can support each other - but I do think you need to be totally honest with him, don't try and "pretend" for Christmas - your son will probably feel that something is wrong and could be quite annoyed afterwards that you have treated him like a little boy. Make it a time that you can all talk honestly about your futures.

Get yourself some legal advice so that you can be reassured about the financial aspects of the future - and be thankful for the time you have had together (and the opportunities that may come to you in the future).

MoD

I think that our son is aware that everything has not been perfect for a while. He told me, and his Dad, before he went that his biggest worry was that we'd split up once he was gone. (We've had rough patches before, but always worked things out.)

It is definitely the career he wants. He's had to do masses of work experience to get on the course and absolutely loves the work. I think it's Uni life he's struggling with the most and believe these doubts are 'normal' for many students. He hasn't mentioned quitting lately, just how stressed he is. He's recently been looking at accommodation for next year with a couple of friends, I'm hoping that's a good sign.

Husband says he isn't going to make any hasty moves and I believe he needs time to digest and process, as do I. This is massive for both of us and not something to rush into.
I don't think either of us are ready to discuss with DS (or anyone else) yet. It's still too soon.

Divorced_Daddy_001

I'm very sorry to hear about this, especially with the situation that your son is in at present. Going to uni is a big change and a big step, hopefully he's "just" finding this a difficult adjustment to make and things will improve for him soon. Good news about his accomodation search.

Lots of useful books by Relate (on Amazon etc) which might be of use to you e.g. titles about splitting-up and moving-on etc, how this might affect you and things that might help your son to cope with it all.

Might be time to have an adult conversation with your son along the lines of "things don't always work out as we would like them to, that's just the way life goes sometimes and it doesn't mean that we're a failure and that we're not loved etc etc"

It must be so incredibly difficult for you right now, take care.

MoD

Thank you

Am unable to sleep. Feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of the changes that lie ahead. I lived alone before we met and hated it. I don't want to live alone again. He has never lived alone. I don't understand why he feels like this, he says neither does he, he 'just does'

I know he's been unhappy in his job for a while, he's applied for other jobs without success. I've been wondering for a few months whether he's been having a bit of a mid-life crisis. He doesn't know but says he has been feeling generally discontented with most/all aspects of his life.

We are not well off. We live in a modest house and have a small (by todays standards) mortgage left. Even if we sold this house, which neither of us want, neither of us could afford to buy even a tiny flat alone.
He says he wants me to carry on living here, we moved here when our son was young and this is still his home, but I can't afford to buy out his half and don't earn enough to have the mortgage put just in my name (although I think I could afford to pay it, I don't think I'd be allowed under the new affordability rules)
I work part-time. I have been looking into returning to full-time work but live in a rural area and wouldn't be any better off after travelling expenses.

Poppie68

So sorry you are going through a tough time Op. Maybe you are correct regarding the midlife crisis, he may feel differently when he is living alone and has time to think. I agree with the others when say tell you son sooner rather than later.. as he has been aware things haven't been good for a while,he might not be so surprised and be able to deal with it better than you anticipate.

JIL

So sorry to read about what you are going through. Maybe your son will take the news better than you think?
He needs to know, but maybe its best done face to face. He will be OK at uni, he's just settling in. My eldest took a good few months to find some close friends and get into a routine. He was so much better once he started his second year and was sharing a house with people he actually wanted to share with rather than the halls where lots were partying til all hours!!
You will be OK, it will just take time. Just make sure you keep busy. Could you do more hours at work?
As someone else has said, get some legal advice. You may be friends now but you don't know what can happen in the future.
I wish you the very best.

Divorced_Daddy_001

Sorry to keep going on about the books, but with what you've said about your husband in your most recent post, it got me thinking. In one of the Relate books (Moving On by Suzie Hayman) there's a long chapter (32 pages long!) called "Can you mend it?" which might be worth having a look at.

MoD

What I mean about putting on a good front for Christmas is not that we pretend everything is perfect, but that we just don't acknowledge that our relationship has deteriorated to this extent at this point. I think it is too soon to discuss with anyone outside the two of us until we have processed it ourselves.
I am hoping that he will agree to try relationship counselling.

MoD

Divorced_Daddy_001 wrote: »

Sorry to keep going on about the books, but with what you've said about your husband in your most recent post, it got me thinking. In one of the Relate books (Moving On by Suzie Hayman) there's a long chapter (32 pages long!) called "Can you mend it?" which might be worth having a look at.

thank you, I will have a look. Am willing try anything.

C_Mababejive

I wonder if this could be a classic man in cave situation? Are the issues real and insurmountable?

It can be that a point in reached where the issues a man has force him to retreat from life and all he knows sometimes because of an overwhelming sense of failure.