My marriage is over and I have no-one I can talk to

MoD

C_Mababejive wrote: »

I wonder if this could be a classic man in cave situation?

I don't know what this is

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Are the issues real and insurmountable?

he says he doesn't know why his feelings have changed

FBaby

I'm really sorry for what you are going through but I think it is you you need to focus on, not your son. He is an adult now, not a little boy. He has moved out and shouldn't feel totally devastated because his mum and dad won't both be home the few times a year he comes home.

I expect what he will be concerned about (certainly what he should) is that neither you or his father are left devastated. He will be reassured to see you dealing with the situation as well as you can. Pretending nothing is happening at Christmas is treating him like a child. He might be stressed with uni and facing a huge adjustment but that is part of life and most people will have faced a such time when everything seems to happen at the same time. Once he gets through this, he will come out stronger for it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Perhaps he should rent a small flat for a while before sorting out big financial things?

He might realise it's depression, you might find it easier than you thought if you concentrate on finding activities you enjoy, it just might be space and time alone, rather than cooping yourselves up together when you aren't happy that he needs.

Your son will get support from both of you whatever happens. But letting him come home might not help him either. He could easily have depression himself - which can be addressed and treated whilst he continues study, rather than chucking it all in this early.

Brighton_belle

FBaby wrote: »

He is an adult now, not a little boy. He has moved out and shouldn't feel totally devastated because his mum and dad won't both be home the few times a year he comes home.

The day a child turns 18 they are not suddenly fully fledged adults other than legally though are they: it's still a gradual process that goes on into early 20's. I am fairly sure he will be devastated and shocked as his world as he knew it is turned upside down and it will take time to adjust.
He also has no siblings to turn to, to share the experience. He also seems to be struggling with his own transition into adulthood already. That is completely normal - it's takes some longer than others.


That doesn't mean mum and dad shouldn't be real with him though, but I just don't agree he'll barely bat an eyelid.

MoD

Brighton_belle wrote: »

The day a child turns 18 they are not suddenly fully fledged adults other than legally though are they: it's still a gradual process that goes on into early 20's. I am fairly sure he will be devastated and shocked as his world as he knew it is turned upside down and it will take time to adjust.
He also has no siblings to turn to, to share the experience. He also seems to be struggling with his own transition into adulthood already. That is completely normal - it's takes some longer than others.

This is exactly how we feel. We know our child and exactly how much this is going to devastate him.

We both feel that news of this development can wait. As I've said, we need to get our own heads around it first.
He has told us he really needs to have a relaxing stress-free Christmas as he won't get another decent break until Christmas next year (will be on placements over Easter and summer hols next year)

FBaby

The day a child turns 18 they are not suddenly fully fledged adults other than legally though are they:

And I agree with that, as a matter of fact I would expect a child of a younger age to be upset and hurt, but able to move on from learning about the divorce of their parents, even more so when they have moved out of the house.

I can totally understand that they would be worried for their parents, how they would cope etc... but not devasted from a personal perspective like a 10 year old would feel because of the potential of their day to day life being affected as a result. OP has said that it won't come as a huge surprised as he knows there have been issues.

Personally, I think hiding such a huge new from an 18yo and pretending that all is fine and normal is not doing them any favours at all from learning to cope with difficult events in life. Of course he wants a relaxing stress-free time, but we don't always get what we want and we learn to deal with the reality of the situation.

You need to do what you think is right for you of course, I just personally don't think going through Christmas pretending all is fine when it isn't at all is going to make the situation any easier for him to cope with when he does find out, but likely that he could get angry that he was lied to.

MoD

FBaby wrote: »

And I agree with that, as a matter of fact I would expect a child of a younger age to be upset and hurt, but able to move on from learning about the divorce of their parents, even more so when they have moved out of the house.

I can totally understand that they would be worried for their parents, how they would cope etc... but not devasted from a personal perspective like a 10 year old would feel because of the potential of their day to day life being affected as a result. OP has said that it won't come as a huge surprised as he knows there have been issues.

Personally, I think hiding such a huge new from an 18yo and pretending that all is fine and normal is not doing them any favours at all from learning to cope with difficult events in life. Of course he wants a relaxing stress-free time, but we don't always get what we want and we learn to deal with the reality of the situation.

You need to do what you think is right for you of course, I just personally don't think going through Christmas pretending all is fine when it isn't at all is going to make the situation any easier for him to cope with when he does find out, but likely that he could get angry that he was lied to.

I do understand what you're saying and under different circumstances I might well agree.

It's not a question of DS wanting a stress-free break, but really needing one.

As previously said, it is not our intention to pretend everything is absolutely fine (things haven't been 'normal' for a while and DS is aware of that) just that things are no worse/different to how they have been.
We both feel that, at this early stage, this is a private matter for the two of us to deal with. We've never discussed the ins-and-outs of our relationship with our child and this is not the right time to start. I'm still hoping we can maybe work something out and any upset can be minimised. If he asks or comments we may say something along the lines of we're trying to work things out, but will cross that bridge when/if we come to it.

I am in my late 40s and would be devastated if my parents told me they were separating. It's not something that's happened before in our family.

Turtle

FBaby wrote: »

And I agree with that, as a matter of fact I would expect a child of a younger age to be upset and hurt, but able to move on from learning about the divorce of their parents, even more so when they have moved out of the house.

I can totally understand that they would be worried for their parents, how they would cope etc... but not devasted from a personal perspective like a 10 year old would feel because of the potential of their day to day life being affected as a result. OP has said that it won't come as a huge surprised as he knows there have been issues.

Personally, I think hiding such a huge new from an 18yo and pretending that all is fine and normal is not doing them any favours at all from learning to cope with difficult events in life. Of course he wants a relaxing stress-free time, but we don't always get what we want and we learn to deal with the reality of the situation.

You need to do what you think is right for you of course, I just personally don't think going through Christmas pretending all is fine when it isn't at all is going to make the situation any easier for him to cope with when he does find out, but likely that he could get angry that he was lied to.

I'm nearly 40 and would feel devastated if my parents separated, even though I've been to Uni, made my own way in the world and am married. It very much depends on the person.

Sorry to hear of your troubles OP, I really hope you can go to counselling and work through things together.

duchy

I think it's lovely that you are thinking of your son ...........You obviously both love him very much. Is it possible that your son leaving home is a bit of a catalyst in your husband's feelings. He may be struggling as to where his role lies now he's no longer a hands on Dad ?

As it is all amicable -could you put everything on the backburner til your son is back at uni and then rent a small flat for your husband as suggested on a six month contract with an agreement that if after a trial seperation of six months he still feels the same then consider making the seperation official ?

That takes the heat off making any hasty decisions and gives you both time to sort out what you both want and how to practically achieve it.

It's all still raw ..... buying some time to think things through and process on both sides may be helpful.

FBaby

In the end, you know your son better. If you husband is happy to say that you are trying to work things out, whether he really is or not, and you think that this is best for your son, even if it might be a lie, then that's your joint decision as parents and that's what matters.

I know that I could never pretent like this with my children, I would prefer to tell them the truth but give them all the reassurance possible that things will be fine in the end but that's because I've never felt able to pretend to my kids. I'm the type of mum who would answer 'yes, possibly, but I'll be there to go through it with you' when my kids asked if something would hurt.