Helping a Friend In Need

Orlando_Virgin

KxMx wrote: »

Surely though OP he will have access to them/visiting rights and may well need to bring them to his current residence at times? Instead of always seeing them at ex's which sounds unlikely from the the information you've given or taking them out?

I am all for helping out a friend but I think it would benefit you both if you start with clear ground rules.

See this is why I asked this forum because people ask questions I would never have thought of, this being one of them. I'm not sure how that would work. I haven't actually said yes to him yet, because it's gone as far as, would you be able to provide me a room for a while?

cazziebo

KxMx wrote: »

I am all for helping out a friend but I think it would benefit you both if you start with clear ground rules.

This. For the sake of your friendship you both have to be clear what you're getting in to. He should definitely pay rent - especially as this seems to be an open ended arrangement. If things get tough it's easier to waive it for a month; not so easy to have the money conversation a few months in and he hasn't been contributing. As another poster says - under the rent a room scheme you can take rent up to £4250 without declaring it.

You sound a lovely friend :T

Kynthia

I agree with the above post. The best way to not risk the friendship is to both be clear from the start what the expectations are and communicate. So sit down now and discuss rent (you probably won't need to declare it as it will probably be below the rent a room scheme allowance), how you are splitting bills or will the rent include bills, how long he is staying for, will his children be visiting/staying over, the policy on overnight guests (not necessarily romantic in nature but he might have a drinking buddy crash over or his sister visit), etc. It's so much easier to sort this now rather than when he's moved in.

theoretica

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

To answer a few questions, me and my OH don't live together. it's just when she comes round we have struggled for any privacy. This was supposed to help with that. I have actually told her this morning what is happening and she was very supportive and said I should be there for him.

If he is coming to stay tell him this - I am sure he would decently take himself out for an evening if asked, or go to his room.

DKLS

Hedgehog99 wrote: »

Plenty of divorcing couples remain in their accommodation while they each arrange somewhere new or while the departing person arranges somewhere

Easier said than done, my ex went from "lets do this like adults and be amicable" to raging bunny boiler hell bent on revenge and destruction.

barbiedoll

Is your new place rented or are you buying? If you're renting, your landlord may not take kindly to another person staying there long-term (this could be a way of getting out of this!)

You and your GF sound lovely and your friend is lucky to have you but as others have said, you absolutely must sort out the ground rules before he sets foot in the door. Set a time limit (say 2 months at most) and sort out rent/bills together.

You say that you're expecting his divorce to get nasty, are you friends with his ex also? You may end up getting caught in the middle if you're not careful. And surely he's going to want to have his kids over at some point, if not for the night then certainly at weekends, when you and GF will want a little down-time? I bet his ex will want some time to herself if she's got the kids full-time so if you're not fans of small children, beware! You're not going to be able to throw him and his kids out on the street on a rainy Saturday afternoon, so that you and GF can snuggle up to watch a film, are you?

It's great that you want to help but the quickest way to lose a friend is to either live with them or lend them money. Be very careful with this situation, there are other ways you could help and support him.

TBagpuss

I agree that youwould need to sit down with him and discuss what his expectations are and what you feel comfortable with.

I don't think that it is unreasonable to set some time limits - for instance, you might consider offering him 1-2 months rent free with him paying only a share of the food and bills, then another month or two at a below market rent. That would give him a breathing space ad the time to save up a deposit to rent somewhere. It may make sense for you to tell him at the outset that you will help, but that you you feel that this needs to be a temporary arrangement (you can review after the first couple of months but it will be easier to extend than to reduce.) And even if you are not too bothered, do charge some rent - quite apart from the benefit to you, it will help him not to feel crushed by the huge favour, and you not to start to feel resentful.

things to think about-some relevant to house shares generally, some to the specifics

- How long does he expect t need somewhere for?
- When he has his children, will he expect them to come to the house, and to stay over? Does his wife know you and your partner and is she likely to have any issues with this?
- what do you each anticipate in relation to sharing meals etc -how independent will you each be (and if you share meals / food shopping how will that pan out when he has his kids, or your partner is there.
-have you ever shared a house with him before?

Bear in mind that sorting out a divorce and related issues can take 6-12 months, how much of that is he likely to want to stay for?

onlyroz

If you decide to help him out you *must* set out clear ground rules from the start. He should at least give you enough money to cover the extra expense of having him there. He should also do his fair share of housework, not hog the tv/phone/broadband/sofa and should have a plan for moving on. You might want to help him out now but how would you feel if he was still there in a year?

We helped out a "friend" after his flat was repossessed - I thought he would be there for a few weeks but in the end he stayed 8 months. By the end I was thoroughly sick of him and wouldn't mind at all if I never saw him again.

marisco_2

barba wrote: »

Tell him immediately so he can review your one sided relationship before he places any level of reliance on you.

From what have you based the view that the OPs connection to his friend is one sided? Wishing to stand back and consider the implications on his own life and relationship, before committing to agreeing to his friend moving in for a while, is to take an astute approach to a big decision. No decent friend worth their salt would begrudge someone needing to do that.

persa

If a friend of mine was splitting up with their long term partner and needed a place to stay, they'd be in my spare room rent free, no hesitation.

If an acquaintance was splitting up... I'd make sympathetic noises, but that would be it.

Often it's when the SHTF you learn who your true friends are.

Once the friend got past the weepy emotional stage, I'd look to impose a time limit.