I'm always wrong

fabforty

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

Thank you again everyone, think I need to answer some of the points;

He never refused but has said that what's he supposed to live on if he gives me money, he has rent, ct etc to pay for now, if I want him to find somewhere to live he will need money. I said we should share custody 3.5 days each no that's not good enough either.

I would have left but I have nowhere to go, I have no family or friends no one, apart from my children, he has family, parents sisters so he wouldn't have been on the streets.

I have offered half of all our furniture, we have 2 sofas, 2 TV, I offered cutlery and crockery nothing is good enough.

I had to tell the kids because he said he didn't want to hurt them.

I have spoken to the schools both primary and high school and explained the situation to them and they have said they will work with me and help where they can.

Can he really move back in, its a joint tenancy but I pay the rent. I have given him half of savings as well. I had been saving our change and I gave him just over £550 (it was a 5l water bottle that we all put our change in) so its not like he has nothing.

I think I really need legal advice on what my next steps should be but by the sounds of it I am going to end up the bad person regardless even though I haven't done anything wrong and I truly tried to keep my family together.

Thank you everyone and I'm sorry if I have missed any questions can't see much on a little phone screen.

You are not a bad person. If his name is on the tenancy agreement, then he has every right to be there. It doesn't matter who pays the rent. That was the point of my post, not to make you feel bad but just to give an objective view. The chances are that he will talk to friends, family, or colleagues about the situation and I guarantee that someone will advise him to move back in and let you leave. He could say that the fact that you have nowhere to go is not his problem - he stays in the house, claims the tax credits and CB, while you use your salary to rent somewhere else. Therefore the sooner you seek legal advice and finalise/formalise things, the better for all of you.


Also, as someone else pointed out, it has only been three weeks and feelings are raw. Nothing you suggest at this point will be good enough because he still wants you to be a family. Asking him to accept that it is all over, in such a short period of time, is a lot. You don't say how long you have been together but I assume it has been several years if you have a child in secondary school.

pmlindyloo

First of all read this

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_relationship_when_you_re_living_together.htm

before you visit CAB (also click on the relationship breakdown and housing link within the information)

Then make a list of questions you have.

Since you are not married things may be different (legally) to if you were married if things got to court.

However, what happens after separation , whether married or not, can be agreed upon by both parties without going to court.

It is very early days yet and I am afraid to say that things are not going to be settled easily as your ex is still 'raw' from the breakup.

Personally I would try to keep things as affable as possible. This is not going to be easy, I know, but may pay dividends in the long term.

You need to try and work towards your both using family mediation (google for more information) so that you do not both end up having huge solicitor fees.

To achieve this you need to get to the point where your ex. agrees to this.

This may involve you doing things that you are not particularly happy with. For example, his having the children at his parents house for some of the time over Christmas. It is unrealistic to expect him to find somewhere to live in the immediate future - at the moment this is not his priority. Of course it is not ideal that his parents smoke but hopefully they will be sensible enough to smoke outside. If not, just bite your tongue and allow it, just for now.

As for being pushed out of your house when he visits I think you are sensible to leave. Just make sure you see it (as someone has said) as 'me time' and use it as such, rather than wandering the streets. Make arrangements of your own.

Your ex will be fully aware of his financial obligations so don't mention it for now. He is feeling bitter and any rowing about anything will just inflame the situation.

I know this will feel all wrong to you and of course, it is all wrong BUT you are the one who has made the decision to split. He is feeling really pi**ed off and you have to allow him time to adjust. You have to be the cool, calm one and walk away/put the phone down when things get heated.

This is going to take time and is not going to be easy. Don't let him wind you up. Don't enter into arguments. Keep thinking ''end goal''.

Vikipollard

Agree you need legal advice on this.


You need to get the tenancy changed in to your sole name, then he will no longer have any rights (or responsibility) for your home. Be sure to get his keys from him as well once you do - but better still, change the locks.


You MUST get maintenance payments arranged. It's not a choice for him, it's a legal requirement. Remember that whatever agreement you reach for shared care will be taken into consideration and it may be that if you both have them an equal amount of time (overnights and school hols too), there is very little that either of you have to pay the other one anyway.


As others have said, you can choose to save the money for the children if you can manage without it - but you already need to buy a computer for your daughter's homework, so there's a need straight away.


Also keep a list of what he has taken. Sadly, it may well come down to forks and spoons, so you need to know what he has had so it can be fairly assessed for you both.


Stay strong. It's a horrible time - been there, done that, as both a Mum and in helping my (now) DH with his. You are doing the right things.

Mojisola

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

I have offered half of all our furniture, we have 2 sofas, 2 TV, I offered cutlery and crockery nothing is good enough.

I have given him half of savings as well. I had been saving our change and I gave him just over £550 (it was a 5l water bottle that we all put our change in) so its not like he has nothing.

If you were just a couple, then splitting everything 50/50 would be fine but you're not, there are children involved.

He is one person and you are one person plus however many children you have.

Guest101

1: yes he has every right to be there, sorry. Only way out is if your fixed term has ended u can end the joint tenancy and ask for a single tenancy.

2: if u share 3.5 each, nothibg to pay on either side. BUT he is entitled to half the CB and CTCs that u receive.

3: find ur local mediation centre and arrange an appointment, it does cost but u can't go to court without it ( well the courts frown on it a lot if u don't)

Guest101

Mojisola wrote: »

If you were just a couple, then splitting everything 50/50 would be fine but you're not, there are children involved.

He is one person and you are one person plus however many children you have.

If they split custody then logically they should split everythibg

Mojisola

Guest101 wrote: »

If they split custody then logically they should split everythibg

If there is more than one child, couples can claim CB and the other related benefits for one (or more) child each. That evens up the financial side.

It's a very rare situation where care is actually split that evenly.

At the moment, the OP has all the costs of providing a home for the children while the father is living at his parents and paying nothing towards the children.

Guest101

Mojisola wrote: »

If there is more than one child, couples can claim CB and the other related benefits for one (or more) child each. That evens up the financial side.

It's a very rare situation where care is actually split that evenly.

At the moment, the OP has all the costs of providing a home for the children while the father is living at his parents and paying nothing towards the children.

Does the word 'if' not mean just that?!

I did say before he should pay and she should make him. But IF they split 50:50, there is nothing to pay and everything should be split

Mojisola

Guest101 wrote: »

Does the word 'if' not mean just that?!

I did say before he should pay and she should make him. But IF they split 50:50, there is nothing to pay and everything should be split

The normal situation is for the PWC to claim all the benefits related to the children. I just pointed out that it doesn't have to be that way.

When parents are putting the children first, they work these things out in ways that suits them best -
sometimes the PWC keeps all the benefit money but doesn't get any CM from the other parent;
sometimes the PWC gives some of the benefit money to the other parent;
sometimes one parent earns considerably more and still hands over CM to keep the two households' incomes more equitable.

Caroline_a

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

Thank you for your replies and I am sorry if it seemed like a woe is me post.

Since the beginning of this I've tried to remain calm and friendly but made sure he knew there was no chance of us getting back together, but it doesn't stop him trying and I have to be straight and that's when he usually turns and he gets nasty and says the awful things he does. Just so I'm clear this has been going on a while and not something I suddenly decided on 3 weeks ago.

I only let him use the house to see the kids because of the weather and his parents smoke so their house isn't ideal. It just seems whatever I do it's not good enough. I said he could have the kids Xmas day until boxing day evening but he would need to find somewhere to live and he said I'll get a place when he's ready and not before

He does work but I'm not bothered about maintenance it would only end in another row, he seems to think that cb, child tax and my wages are enough why do I need his money as well.

I've unplugged his computer ready to give to him today your right it is his, I'll find a second hand one.

I think I may need something proper in place to stop the rows and him taking the Mick but I just don't know where to start.

It just seems everything I do at the moment I end up being the bad one in the kid's eyes and can't do right for doing wrong.

Thank you once again for your advice.

It's not for you, it's for the children! So even if you aren't bothered about it, put it in a savings account for them until they are 18 - why should he just be able to turn his back financially on his children?