I'm always wrong

Justwanttobehappy

Oh I can't believe the amount of replies and I'm sorry if I have misled any of you or upset any of you.

I will try and answer you all, no he's never thrown me out but the first Saturday he came round it was so uncomfortable and confusing to the kids that when he came the next day I wasn't prepared to do it again so went out.

I know its only been 3 weeks since we split and I really want the kids to have stability and normality and when he refused to take the kids anywhere that's when I suggested him getting his own place, somewhere for him and the kids to spend time together just them, I just want to clarify that I didn't ask him to leave and the next day tell him to get a place.

I do feel incredibly guilty that I have asked the children's dad to leave, I know they miss him and love it when they see him, but they only get fun dad, I have to do the telling off and make sure homework is done and I am so tired I haven't been sleeping trying to make sense of it all.

We have 3 children 12 years, 9 years and 5 years we had been together 20 years, it wasn't violent or anything but let's just say as a partner I had more support from my wall.

I'm sorry I don't understand what PWC is.
He told the kids yesterday that he wouldn't be with them at Christmas because I wouldn't let him come round when I said I thought you could have them Christmas until boxing day he said I was being selfish expecting the kids to go out on Christmas day when they should be playing with their toys that's when I ended up losing my cool and ended up screaming like a banshee at him it was his fault we split because he was selfish with no thought about anybody but himself.

I'm just trying to keep my children from being messed up from a situation that they shouldn't be in and that worries me more than anything that I'm making things worse.

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

There's a lot of misinformation in this thread - even if care is split 3.5/3.5 the CSA calculation can still be made based on number on overnights and if there is a differential in earnings one parent can still be liable for child support.

Frankly a man who is refusing to get his own place so his children can stay -and insists his partner vacates her home so he can visit -doesn't sound likely to be able to handle 50/50 care....... Maybe he expects his children's mother to sleep elsewhere those 3.5 days too ? Despite staying with his parents he has not used any of his earnings towards finding a home where his children can visit and stay .........OR towards supporting them. One wonders where his money is going.

Then there is the aspect that if he is very controlling towards the children as well as his ex partner is 50/50 access in their best interests ?

Yes we only have one side - but the PC issue and refusual to pay child support speaks volumes that he doesn't have the children's needs as a priority

Can u link plz, as to where CSA is due when custody is split 50:50. 3.5 days each to me means equal nights.

As for this specific situation, I agree he's unlikely to live up to it.

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

You really think it's OK to intimidate a person into leaving their house for the day because you can't be bothered making suitable arrangements to see your own children (and can't take them to where he lives as the grandparents refuse to not smoke around the kids )

Yes the OP gets child benefit and child tax credit -but does that mean he doesn't have to pay child support til he feels like paying it ? The law is clear -even if the OP earned ten times as much as he did he is still required to support his children within CSA guidelines based on his income if they don't live with him.

And yes the OP did say she hadn't pushed asking for child support - because he'd turn on her..............oh and he's so unsettled he's taking the computer off the kids because he wants to have use of it (since when did the only PC in a home belong exclusively to one of the adults.....it's the *family* PC -It's not like the kids can even go around to his to use it.

Just to recap



Seriously you are defending the indefensible

Wow...

1: they plan to split custody 50:50 - as I said that means nothing is due. They both provide for the kids an equal number of time!

2: op has said the computer was a gift to him. It'd be like him taking back the earrings he got the OP or whatever.

3: it's been 3 weeks, pribs not been paid, hoping to reconcile and most people don't have spare 2k lying around which is what u need to get a place

& 4: technically he can go to the house at any point he likes.

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

You really think it's OK to intimidate a person into leaving their house for the day because you can't be bothered making suitable arrangements to see your own children (and can't take them to where he lives as the grandparents refuse to not smoke around the kids )

Yes the OP gets child benefit and child tax credit -but does that mean he doesn't have to pay child support til he feels like paying it ? The law is clear -even if the OP earned ten times as much as he did he is still required to support his children within CSA guidelines based on his income if they don't live with him.

And yes the OP did say she hadn't pushed asking for child support - because he'd turn on her..............oh and he's so unsettled he's taking the computer off the kids because he wants to have use of it (since when did the only PC in a home belong exclusively to one of the adults.....it's the *family* PC -It's not like the kids can even go around to his to use it.

Just to recap



Seriously you are defending the indefensible

duchy wrote: »

This is really the crux of the matter
It isn't your responsibility to make his access arrangements. He has friends and family in the area or he could take them to the cinema or to a soft play centre . The OP hasn't said how old the children are but she did comment that the children are "blaming her" so they don't sound like toddlers so bad weather seems like a feeble excuse .

He no longer lives in your home. He chose to leave when asked to leave. He doesn't have any rights to demand use of your home.

I do think you can enable him continuing to control you - or simply say no to him. Yes the first time you put your foot down will be a shock to him - but once he realizes you mean it and won't give in for a quiet life it'll be a lot easier.

I think legally he has every right to be there actually.

Guest101

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

Oh I can't believe the amount of replies and I'm sorry if I have misled any of you or upset any of you.

I will try and answer you all, no he's never thrown me out but the first Saturday he came round it was so uncomfortable and confusing to the kids that when he came the next day I wasn't prepared to do it again so went out.

I know its only been 3 weeks since we split and I really want the kids to have stability and normality and when he refused to take the kids anywhere that's when I suggested him getting his own place, somewhere for him and the kids to spend time together just them, I just want to clarify that I didn't ask him to leave and the next day tell him to get a place.

I do feel incredibly guilty that I have asked the children's dad to leave, I know they miss him and love it when they see him, but they only get fun dad, I have to do the telling off and make sure homework is done and I am so tired I haven't been sleeping trying to make sense of it all.

We have 3 children 12 years, 9 years and 5 years we had been together 20 years, it wasn't violent or anything but let's just say as a partner I had more support from my wall.

I'm sorry I don't understand what PWC is.
He told the kids yesterday that he wouldn't be with them at Christmas because I wouldn't let him come round when I said I thought you could have them Christmas until boxing day he said I was being selfish expecting the kids to go out on Christmas day when they should be playing with their toys that's when I ended up losing my cool and ended up screaming like a banshee at him it was his fault we split because he was selfish with no thought about anybody but himself.

I'm just trying to keep my children from being messed up from a situation that they shouldn't be in and that worries me more than anything that I'm making things worse.

Think there's been a lack of communication, before during and after the break up?

Do u think counselling/ meditation will help?

Pwc - parent with care, main parent in lay mans.

They get fun dad because when he sees them infrequently, that's what it's going to be.

I've always said that when parents split up, both should walk in eachothers shoes.

2 weeks with u having them and him visiting and then swap for two weeks. Eye opening.

Most mums have never been away from their kids for 2 weeks, most dads before a break up haven't either. So asking one to accept it overnight, is too much.

Justwanttobehappy

I actually suggested the joint custody and said we could do 3.5 days each so we would spend equal time with them and do the normal things like teatime, bedtime and homework with them then neither of us would be the part time parent.

The reason I got so annoyed about the computer and I know its his was our daughter needs to go on a site for her maths homework and I asked why he needed it his parents don't have internet and he said he's paid to have it installed there and if he does move on he will continue to pay the bill as it is only fair on his parents.

He's actually paid on 21st month and I have made it clear that there is no going back at all but I don't think he believes me.

I have started to write a letter outlying what I think we should be doing and will be getting legal advice as soon as I can get an appointment.

Thank you again

Guest101

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

I actually suggested the joint custody and said we could do 3.5 days each so we would spend equal time with them and do the normal things like teatime, bedtime and homework with them then neither of us would be the part time parent.

The reason I got so annoyed about the computer and I know its his was our daughter needs to go on a site for her maths homework and I asked why he needed it his parents don't have internet and he said he's paid to have it installed there and if he does move on he will continue to pay the bill as it is only fair on his parents.

He's actually paid on 21st month and I have made it clear that there is no going back at all but I don't think he believes me.

I have started to write a letter outlying what I think we should be doing and will be getting legal advice as soon as I can get an appointment.

Thank you again

Good luck, sounds very emotional at the moment. Clear heads help, but that takes weeks and months sometimes

squirrelchops

Having prepared reports to Court regarding child contact, I would like to say that in my opinion 50/50 shared care only ever works when the parents are 100% amicable as you need to be able to communicate so well to ensure you both know what the children are doing on any given day.

Therefore as I have had to deal with the cases in Court you already can see that communication has broken down or else the couple wouldnt have needed to go to Court in the first place!

Shared care arrangements can work but require total commitment from both parents to stick to them at all times.

sulkisu

duchy wrote: »

You really think it's OK to intimidate a person into leaving their house for the day because you can't be bothered making suitable arrangements to see your own children (and can't take them to where he lives as the grandparents refuse to not smoke around the kids )

Yes the OP gets child benefit and child tax credit -but does that mean he doesn't have to pay child support til he feels like paying it ? The law is clear -even if the OP earned ten times as much as he did he is still required to support his children within CSA guidelines based on his income if they don't live with him.

And yes the OP did say she hadn't pushed asking for child support - because he'd turn on her..............oh and he's so unsettled he's taking the computer off the kids because he wants to have use of it (since when did the only PC in a home belong exclusively to one of the adults.....it's the *family* PC -It's not like the kids can even go around to his to use it.

Just to recap



Seriously you are defending the indefensible

You quoted me, so presumably you meant me.


To clarify - I am not defending him. Secondly, OP has said nothing about being intimidated into leaving her home when he visits the children - that is your interpretation. She said that it feels awkward, and understandably so. Thirdly (and I did say this quite clearly in my post, but you appear to have missed it), 'no' I do not think that as she receives tax credits, her ex-partner should not pay child support. No idea where you got that from. She did not say that if she mentioned child support he would 'turn on her', (are you deliberately making it sound threatening and menacing?), she said it would probably end in a row. Not the same thing at all. Even OP says that she doesn't expect him to have moved into his own place already. You appear to be putting your own spin on what OP is saying.


ETA - They have a joint tenancy, so he has every right to be there and to be honest, even though OP finds it difficult, I would have thought that visiting the children in the family home would be best for the children.

Guest101

sulkisu wrote: »

You quoted me, so presumably you meant me.


To clarify - I am not defending him. Secondly, OP has said nothing about being intimidated into leaving her home when he visits the children - that is your interpretation. She said that it feels awkward, and understandably so. Thirdly (and I did say this quite clearly in my post, but you appear to have missed it), 'no' I do not think that as she receives tax credits, her ex-partner should not pay child support. No idea where you got that from. She did not say that if she mentioned child support he would 'turn on her', (are you deliberately making it sound threatening and menacing?), she said it would probably end in a row. Not the same thing at all. Even OP says that she doesn't expect him to have moved into his own place already. You appear to be putting your own spin on what OP is saying.


ETA - They have a joint tenancy, so he has every right to be there and to be honest, even though OP finds it difficult, I would have thought that visiting the children in the family home would be best for the children.

^^^^this^^^^