I'm always wrong

duchy

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

Thank you again everyone, think I need to answer some of the points;

He never refused but has said that what's he supposed to live on if he gives me money, he has rent, ct etc to pay for now, if I want him to find somewhere to live he will need money. I said we should share custody 3.5 days each no that's not good enough either.

Not your problem - He's an adult. If he's living at his parents odds are he isn't paying them anything either. The kids live with you-you are responsible for a roof over your head and their's.

He is legally obliged to support his own children -if he refuses - go through the CSA. As for it causing rows if you do. It is already causing rows -so what's the difference. At least if he contributes as he should you can afford to buy a computer to replace the one he is insisting on depriving his child of. His needs appear to be more important than his child's education.

I would have left but I have nowhere to go, I have no family or friends no one, apart from my children, he has family, parents sisters so he wouldn't have been on the streets.

And he isn't. Why can't he take the children to his sister's if his parent's home isn't suitable ?

I have offered half of all our furniture, we have 2 sofas, 2 TV, I offered cutlery and crockery nothing is good enough.

Then stop offering.

I had to tell the kids because he said he didn't want to hurt them.

Spineless too- He sounds a real prince.

I have spoken to the schools both primary and high school and explained the situation to them and they have said they will work with me and help where they can.

Can he really move back in, its a joint tenancy but I pay the rent. I have given him half of savings as well. I had been saving our change and I gave him just over £550 (it was a 5l water bottle that we all put our change in) so its not like he has nothing.

Talk to your HA or LL about changing the tenancy as he has moved out.

I think I really need legal advice on what my next steps should be but by the sounds of it I am going to end up the bad person regardless even though I haven't done anything wrong and I truly tried to keep my family together.

Doesn't sound like you are a bad person - but he's playing on your feelings of guilt. Only you can make yourself feel guilty though but yes you DO need legal advice.

Thank you everyone and I'm sorry if I have missed any questions can't see much on a little phone screen.

At the moment you are working full time and exhausted. If he paid the child support he is legally obligated to pay you might be able to adjust your working hours and with working tax credit and child support you'd likely be no worse off. Remember child support is for your children. By not bothering to claim you are cheating them out of a better life.

You asked him to leave because he was controlling - so stop allowing him to continue to control you by taking over your house every weekend. It is YOUR home -he doesn't get to push you out.

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

At the moment you are working full time and exhausted. If he paid the child support he is legally obligated to pay you might be able to adjust your working hours and with working tax credit and child support you'd likely be no worse off. Remember child support is for your children. By not bothering to claim you are cheating them out of a better life.

You asked him to leave because he was controlling - so stop allowing him to continue to control you by taking over your house every weekend. It is YOUR home -he doesn't get to push you out.

It sounds like they going for joint custody ona 50:50split. So no CSA to pay.

And it sounds like it's their home, so he can come back at any point.

mgdavid

Sorry if I missed something; why did you throw him out?
Why are you so rigid about there being no chance of reconciliation?
Have you (both) been to mediation or counselling?

dancingfairy

You are not going to do what's right for everyone - it just isn't possible. You want to split up and your partner doesn't, therefore everyone is not going to be happy in the short term. I think if it wasn't working out, then it wasn't working out and whilst there is obviously going to be a lot of unhappiness now, hopefully in the long run it will settle down.
You are doing your best, you obviously care about your kids and trying to do the best by them.
It sounds like your ex is messing with your head, whether this is intentional or not, it's hard to tell.
From what you've written you are trying to be reasonable. It sounds like you are feeling very down troddon and finding it hard to think straight but trust yourself to do the right things.
If you are able to do it might be worth going to relate, perhaps you could go when he is seeing the kids? I think it would help to have some space on your own and to talk about how you are feeling and how you can support yourself and your kids emotionally through this difficult time.
df

duchy

There's a lot of misinformation in this thread - even if care is split 3.5/3.5 the CSA calculation can still be made based on number on overnights and if there is a differential in earnings one parent can still be liable for child support.

Frankly a man who is refusing to get his own place so his children can stay -and insists his partner vacates her home so he can visit -doesn't sound likely to be able to handle 50/50 care....... Maybe he expects his children's mother to sleep elsewhere those 3.5 days too ? Despite staying with his parents he has not used any of his earnings towards finding a home where his children can visit and stay .........OR towards supporting them. One wonders where his money is going.

Then there is the aspect that if he is very controlling towards the children as well as his ex partner is 50/50 access in their best interests ?

Yes we only have one side - but the PC issue and refusual to pay child support speaks volumes that he doesn't have the children's needs as a priority

duchy

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

It just seems everything I do at the moment I end up being the bad one in the kid's eyes and can't do right for doing wrong.

Thank you once again for your advice.

Kids don't usually pick sides - they are usually just sad that their parents have split.

Is he telling the kids the split is all your fault and blaming you (to them) for everything ?

sulkisu

duchy wrote: »

There's a lot of misinformation in this thread - even if care is split 3.5/3.5 the CSA calculation can still be made based on number on overnights and if there is a differential in earnings one parent can still be liable for child support.

Frankly a man who is refusing to get his own place so his children can stay -and insists his partner vacates her home so he can visit -doesn't sound likely to be able to handle 50/50 care....... Maybe he expects his children's mother to sleep elsewhere those 3.5 days too ? Despite staying with his parents he has not used any of his earnings towards finding a home where his children can visit and stay .........OR towards supporting them. One wonders where his money is going.

Then there is the aspect that if he is very controlling towards the children as well as his ex partner is 50/50 access in their best interests ?

Yes we only have one side - but the PC issue and refusual to pay child support speaks volumes that he doesn't have the children's needs as a priority

Yes there is a lot of misinformation here.

OP said her second post that her partner has never refused to pay child support.

He also hasn't refused to get his own place - it's only been three weeks since they separated, he did what most people would do if they were asked to leave the marital home suddenly, he went to stay with relatives. As for what he is spending all of his money on - I repeat, they split just 3 weeks ago. He probably hasn't even been paid yet since they separated. OP is receiving the tax credits and child benefit and these may well increase once she informs HMRC, plus other benefits as well. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't pay child support, of course he should but as OP days herself, he hasn't refused to.

OP doesn't say that he makes her leave the house so that he can visit his children - it sounds as if she gets out of the way to avoid arguments. Sounds like a good idea to me, but hardly the same as him throwing her out when he visits.

duchy

sulkisu wrote: »

Yes there is a lot of misinformation here.

OP said her second post that her partner has never refused to pay child support.

He also hasn't refused to get his own place - it's only been three weeks since they separated, he did what most people would do if they were asked to leave the marital home suddenly, he went to stay with relatives. As for what he is spending all of his money on - I repeat, they split just 3 weeks ago. He probably hasn't even been paid yet since they separated. OP is receiving the tax credits and child benefit and these may well increase once she informs HMRC, plus other benefits as well. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't pay child support, of course he should but as OP days herself, he hasn't refused to.

OP doesn't say that he makes her leave the house so that he can visit his children - it sounds as if she gets out of the way to avoid arguments. Sounds like a good idea to me, but hardly the same as him throwing her out when he visits.

You really think it's OK to intimidate a person into leaving their house for the day because you can't be bothered making suitable arrangements to see your own children (and can't take them to where he lives as the grandparents refuse to not smoke around the kids )

Yes the OP gets child benefit and child tax credit -but does that mean he doesn't have to pay child support til he feels like paying it ? The law is clear -even if the OP earned ten times as much as he did he is still required to support his children within CSA guidelines based on his income if they don't live with him.

And yes the OP did say she hadn't pushed asking for child support - because he'd turn on her..............oh and he's so unsettled he's taking the computer off the kids because he wants to have use of it (since when did the only PC in a home belong exclusively to one of the adults.....it's the *family* PC -It's not like the kids can even go around to his to use it.

Just to recap

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

I have to be straight and that's when he usually turns and he gets nasty and says the awful things he does.

It just seems whatever I do it's not good enough. I said he could have the kids Xmas day until boxing day evening but he would need to find somewhere to live and he said I'll get a place when he's ready and not before

He does work but I'm not bothered about maintenance it would only end in another row, he seems to think that cb, child tax and my wages are enough why do I need his money as well.

I've unplugged his computer ready to give to him today your right it is his, I'll find a second hand one.

I think I may need something proper in place to stop the rows and him taking the Mick but I just don't know where to start.
.

Seriously you are defending the indefensible

squirrelchops

This man is continuing to control you..............................

Whilst he can come to the house to see the children he will continue to control you.

Clear boundaries for contact need to be set as soon as possible.

There is no reason why he has to see the children at your address at all. Please stop letting him get his foot over the threshold.

duchy

squirrelchops wrote: »

This man is continuing to control you..............................

Whilst he can come to the house to see the children he will continue to control you.

Clear boundaries for contact need to be set as soon as possible.

There is no reason why he has to see the children at your address at all. Please stop letting him get his foot over the threshold.

This is really the crux of the matter
It isn't your responsibility to make his access arrangements. He has friends and family in the area or he could take them to the cinema or to a soft play centre . The OP hasn't said how old the children are but she did comment that the children are "blaming her" so they don't sound like toddlers so bad weather seems like a feeble excuse .

He no longer lives in your home. He chose to leave when asked to leave. He doesn't have any rights to demand use of your home.

I do think you can enable him continuing to control you - or simply say no to him. Yes the first time you put your foot down will be a shock to him - but once he realizes you mean it and won't give in for a quiet life it'll be a lot easier.