I'm always wrong

Justwanttobehappy

Recently split with my long term partner. We have children together and I have been trying to do the right thing but it's all going wrong and I could really do with some help and advice before I mess up completely.

I asked him to leave due to him being controlling and not being there for me at all, I was so unhappy I had to get out. We have been apart for 3 weeks and in that time I always end up looking bad when it comes to the kids. He has spent the last 3 weekends in my house spending time with the kids but I end up walking around the streets or sitting in a cafe because I have no where else to go. He's staying with his parents but he thinks that having the children at their house would be too much for them. I do have an appointment on Thursday with CAB

We ended up in a big fight today because I have told him I don't want to get back together or spend Christmas together he accused me of using the children as a weapon to punish him and he has now decided he wants his computer that the children and I got him for Christmas last year but the problem is my daughter needs it for her homework and when I said why did he want it he has no Internet he said I've paid to get it put in.

I've asked him for nothing since he has left, I use my CB and Child tax, I get the children to school, feed them, clean the house and in between go to work and I'm paying the bills, I'm getting up at 6 and rarely get to bed before 11pm.

I'm sorry this is so long but I have no friends or family so I'm dealing with this on my own and I don't want to mess up my children I really want to do what's right for everyone, if anyone could offer any advice I'd really appreciate it.

VfM4meplse

Bless you, it sounds tough.

Firstly, there is no way you should be forced out of your own home just because he is around. But do try and enjoy the valuable "me-time".

Secondly, you need to have a serious discussion with your partner about what comes first given that reconciliation is not an option: his needs, your needs, or those of your children. Once you've established a common goal the rest should be negotiable around it, including his responsibility to your children. They're never going to be happy whilst they see their mum and dad unhappy.

Guest101

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

Recently split with my long term partner. We have children together and I have been trying to do the right thing but it's all going wrong and I could really do with some help and advice before I mess up completely.

I asked him to leave due to him being controlling and not being there for me at all, I was so unhappy I had to get out. We have been apart for 3 weeks and in that time I always end up looking bad when it comes to the kids. He has spent the last 3 weekends in my house spending time with the kids but I end up walking around the streets or sitting in a cafe because I have no where else to go. He's staying with his parents but he thinks that having the children at their house would be too much for them. I do have an appointment on Thursday with CAB

We ended up in a big fight today because I have told him I don't want to get back together or spend Christmas together he accused me of using the children as a weapon to punish him and he has now decided he wants his computer that the children and I got him for Christmas last year but the problem is my daughter needs it for her homework and when I said why did he want it he has no Internet he said I've paid to get it put in.

I've asked him for nothing since he has left, I use my CB and Child tax, I get the children to school, feed them, clean the house and in between go to work and I'm paying the bills, I'm getting up at 6 and rarely get to bed before 11pm.

I'm sorry this is so long but I have no friends or family so I'm dealing with this on my own and I don't want to mess up my children I really want to do what's right for everyone, if anyone could offer any advice I'd really appreciate it.

Does he work? If so he needs to pay child maintenance.

It's his computer, give it him back.

U cannot monopolise Christmas time with the kids.

Either u spend it together - not adviseable
Or u split the time equally, especially if Uve only been split up 3 weeks

As for up at 6, bed at 11, unfortunate, but u'll adjust. Life isn't a picnic and u need to get used to the idea.

Where he sees the kids is not your problem. He can take them out. If he's staying with his parents then kids should go there, u have no reason to leave your own house for him.

And finally, remember emotions are raw on both sides, things will get better

Justwanttobehappy

Thank you for your replies and I am sorry if it seemed like a woe is me post.

Since the beginning of this I've tried to remain calm and friendly but made sure he knew there was no chance of us getting back together, but it doesn't stop him trying and I have to be straight and that's when he usually turns and he gets nasty and says the awful things he does. Just so I'm clear this has been going on a while and not something I suddenly decided on 3 weeks ago.

I only let him use the house to see the kids because of the weather and his parents smoke so their house isn't ideal. It just seems whatever I do it's not good enough. I said he could have the kids Xmas day until boxing day evening but he would need to find somewhere to live and he said I'll get a place when he's ready and not before

He does work but I'm not bothered about maintenance it would only end in another row, he seems to think that cb, child tax and my wages are enough why do I need his money as well.

I've unplugged his computer ready to give to him today your right it is his, I'll find a second hand one.

I think I may need something proper in place to stop the rows and him taking the Mick but I just don't know where to start.

It just seems everything I do at the moment I end up being the bad one in the kid's eyes and can't do right for doing wrong.

Thank you once again for your advice.

borkid

Just an idea, but would your daughter's school have a laptop she could borrow until you get sorted? It might be an idea to let the school know what is happening just incase there are any behavorial problems or upsets.

fabforty

Guest101 wrote: »

Does he work? If so he needs to pay child maintenance.

It's his computer, give it him back.

U cannot monopolise Christmas time with the kids.

Either u spend it together - not adviseable
Or u split the time equally, especially if Uve only been split up 3 weeks

As for up at 6, bed at 11, unfortunate, but u'll adjust. Life isn't a picnic and u need to get used to the idea.

Where he sees the kids is not your problem. He can take them out. If he's staying with his parents then kids should go there, u have no reason to leave your own house for him.

Assuming that it is his house as well, then he has every right to be there and to see their children there - no matter how uncomfortable OP finds it. He doesn't have to live with his parents - he could move back in with the children and ask OP to leave if she is unhappy. He could go for joint or sole custody of the children.


If he left the home with nothing, return the computer - he could ask for half of everything.


Likewise with Christmas - he is entitled to spend as much of the day with the children as she does.
If OP is serious about there being no chance of a reconciliation then she needs to start the legal process quickly - so that all of these issues can be finalised asap and they can both move on.

Guest101

Justwanttobehappy wrote: »

Thank you for your replies and I am sorry if it seemed like a woe is me post.

Since the beginning of this I've tried to remain calm and friendly but made sure he knew there was no chance of us getting back together, but it doesn't stop him trying and I have to be straight and that's when he usually turns and he gets nasty and says the awful things he does. Just so I'm clear this has been going on a while and not something I suddenly decided on 3 weeks ago.

I only let him use the house to see the kids because of the weather and his parents smoke so their house isn't ideal. It just seems whatever I do it's not good enough. I said he could have the kids Xmas day until boxing day evening but he would need to find somewhere to live and he said I'll get a place when he's ready and not before

He does work but I'm not bothered about maintenance it would only end in another row, he seems to think that cb, child tax and my wages are enough why do I need his money as well.

I've unplugged his computer ready to give to him today your right it is his, I'll find a second hand one.

I think I may need something proper in place to stop the rows and him taking the Mick but I just don't know where to start.

It just seems everything I do at the moment I end up being the bad one in the kid's eyes and can't do right for doing wrong.

Thank you once again for your advice.

Hi,

1: the money is not yours to say no to, you owe it to your kids to ensure he pays what he owes. Even if that money is put into savings for them, it is their right. Get an order if he won't agree.

2: you can pick up a laptop for £150-200 these days. Know cheap but if u need it, u need it.

3: not defending him, but he's probably lost right now. To him it's been only 3 weeks, to you much longer. U grieved for your family lifestyle before u finally split, he's just started. Just FYI.

4: he should get his own place, it's better all round. If he rents it'll be 6 months minimum and will put into perspective that life moves on.

5: good on u for splitting Christmas. His choice to f it up if he wants.

6: have u both spoken to the kids? Reassure them that u both love them very much. Kids will do anything to keep their parents together, even in bad relationships

Guest101

fabforty wrote: »

Assuming that it is his house as well, then he has every right to be there and to see their children there - no matter how uncomfortable OP finds it. He doesn't have to live with his parents - he could move back in with the children and ask OP to leave if she is unhappy.


Likewise with Christmas - he is entitled to spend as much of the day with the children as she does.
If OP is serious about there being no chance of a reconciliation then she needs to start the legal process quickly - so that all of these issues can be finalised asap and they can both move on.

It's not clear who the house belongs to, but regardless, he's paying nothing for his kids, and is therefore a bum.

fabforty

Guest101 wrote: »

It's not clear who the house belongs to, but regardless, he's paying nothing for his kids, and is therefore a bum.

He may well be a bum or even worse, but as it has been a long term cohabiting relationship which has produced children, I would expect everything to have been joint or shared - bills, property, etc.


OP needs to claim child support - she said that she has taken nothing for the children, not that he has refused to pay. They only separated three weeks ago and (again I'm assuming this from her post), it sounds like he left without taking anything with him.

I am not trying to be argumentative or to upset anyone, but I just wanted OP to realise that (in the absence of evidence to the contrary) he has as much right to everything (house, property, children) as she does. Men in his position are often advised to move back into the home - if he was my friend/brother/son, that's what I would be saying. Let's be honest, if the roles were reversed (OP had moved out and left the children, because her husband wanted her to go), I suspect that many people would be advising her to do the same.

Justwanttobehappy

Thank you again everyone, think I need to answer some of the points;

He never refused but has said that what's he supposed to live on if he gives me money, he has rent, ct etc to pay for now, if I want him to find somewhere to live he will need money. I said we should share custody 3.5 days each no that's not good enough either.

I would have left but I have nowhere to go, I have no family or friends no one, apart from my children, he has family, parents sisters so he wouldn't have been on the streets.

I have offered half of all our furniture, we have 2 sofas, 2 TV, I offered cutlery and crockery nothing is good enough.

I had to tell the kids because he said he didn't want to hurt them.

I have spoken to the schools both primary and high school and explained the situation to them and they have said they will work with me and help where they can.

Can he really move back in, its a joint tenancy but I pay the rent. I have given him half of savings as well. I had been saving our change and I gave him just over £550 (it was a 5l water bottle that we all put our change in) so its not like he has nothing.

I think I really need legal advice on what my next steps should be but by the sounds of it I am going to end up the bad person regardless even though I haven't done anything wrong and I truly tried to keep my family together.

Thank you everyone and I'm sorry if I have missed any questions can't see much on a little phone screen.

PuzzledDave

Maybe it would be worth getting to him to write in FULL exactly what he wants rather than going through frequent 'oh and this' and 'oh, it's not enough'. You should write one too and then try to find the middle ground.

Can he move back in ? Probably if his name is on the tenancy, who pays the rent is probably meaningless since you are both liable for the costs - the law and landlord probably don't care who actually comes up with the money.