Girlfriend - Work - Mental Health

Counting_Pennies_2

Google and see if there is a talking therapies facility nearby. They specialise in CBT and focusing on anxiety.


You can self refer.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Why do people keep saying depression - the OP has NOT said that his partner has depression

Depression and Anxiety are two completely different beasts entirely.

During a bout of depression, it is always present. Anxiety comes and goes.

OP - What happens when she suffers anxiety, does she have full blown panic attacks and feel she cannot breathe? or is it a milder thing more of a general jittery feeling? After the anxiety has ebbed away, does she seem in general OK? Is this a recent thing, or has she suffered for a long time?

She does sound like she has no motivation to change things at the mo. She needs to identify triggers, avoid where possible and find coping strategies.

Letting life pass her by whilst sitting at home will not help.

There are techniques to help calm and relax naturally.

It is hard for people to understand who have never suffered with anxiety, but a full blown panic attack genuinely feels like you are having a heart attack or are about to kick the bucket - and looks like it to passers by too.

I speak from my own experiences with this topic, and it is possible to lead a perfectly normal life and hold down a full time job - if you control anxiety and do not let it control you

granted I did mention the D word, but not without good cause. ive had several panick attacks also. over time being isolated can lead to depression.

pickledonionspaceraider

atrixblue.-MFR-. wrote: »

granted I did mention the D word, but not without good cause. ive had several panick attacks also. over time being isolated can lead to depression.

I agree - if you let anxiety rule you and pander to it- in terms of letting it escalate - i.e giving up work, allowing yourself to become isolated, money troubles, refusing to leave the house, having long empty days with nothing to do but dwell on everyone else carrying on with life whilst you are stuck at home - those kind of thoughts can cause a most stable person to loose the plot. Too much time on a persons hands, is bad news for many people, in terms of overthinking

I am always the first to say 'we are all different' and can totally empathise that these feelings are completely overwhelming and when in the midst of a panic attack - there is nothing else - only the panic attack.

However, logically thinking, I know that it is ''only'' a panic attack and is a temporary state of mind.

Back to the OPs situation, I fear that because he is saying that her lack of interest is starting to 'bother him' that if she does not show some motivation to seek help, she may well be on the road to isolating herself further.

DaveTheMus

OP, this will be it for the rest of her life.... best to get out now and get yourself a well-balanced partner, not someone who relies on you so much. Breeding ground for resentment IMO...

pickledonionspaceraider

DaveTheMus wrote: »

OP, this will be it for the rest of her life.... best to get out now and get yourself a well-balanced partner, not someone who relies on you so much. Breeding ground for resentment IMO...

Oh dear Dave. Anxiety episodes do not mean that a person is unbalanced lol - it isn't a form of psychosis

So many people suffer with anxiety that i would bet that you know people who suffer, but you don't realise it. That is how much it effects your life outwardly, if you manage it, other people wouldn't even know

I do think you have a valid point in terms of resentment though, certainly - and would be a struggle to maintain a balanced partnership with someone who refused to seek help

DaveTheMus

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Oh dear Dave. Anxiety episodes do not mean that a person is unbalanced lol - it isn't a form of psychosis

So many people suffer with anxiety that i would bet that you know people who suffer, but you don't realise it. That is how much it effects your life outwardly, if you manage it, other people wouldn't even know

I do think you have a valid point in terms of resentment though, certainly - and would be a struggle to maintain a balanced partnership with someone who refused to seek help

Fair point, 'unbalanced person' was a poor choice of words, unbalanced relationship would have been more apt.

My feeling is that the OP's GF might be a bit lazy and the anxiety is an excuse for things they don't want to do. We all know people who have their ready made excuses when it's time to roll the sleeves up.

FuzzyPanda

I'd also disagree that depression and anxiety are "different beasts" - one very often leads to the other. The brain is the biggest beast of all and is different in all of us and we can all be ill in slightly different ways.

Tablets can be an extremely important part. Many people suffer from anxiety etc. because of an imbalance in the chemicals in their brain. That's fine, most of us have something wrong with us somewhere. My hubby takes pills for his low iron, I sometimes take pills for my low serotonin. None of my family are over the moon about me having medication, even though some of them have been through depression themselves! I can't magically fix my serotonin levels by myself, just as hubby can't magically fix his iron levels by himself.

It may not be agoraphobia, but anthropophobia. The fear of people. If she'd be perfectly happy in a big field with just you and her and no other people, then it's not agoraphobia. Being fearful of social situations can obviously be extremely debilitating.

OP - she/you will need to be more proactive in chasing doctors, trying different doctors if one is useless, and trying different meds. There's not much more horrid than having to go to someone and say "there's something wrong with my brain". Your brain is you, your ID, everything about you. The thought of trying different tablets is very, very scary. However it is necessary to find the right type/combination for her. I felt I had to rely on hubby to tell me if my personality changed for the worse, because I wouldn't know as it was my brain that was changing! If you make sure she knows that you'll support her if you think one type of medication isn't working, then it may make it less scary for her. Don't forget also though the brain meds take a couple of months just to start working too, then you can't come off them straight away either, so it's a long process.

As you said, she's aware of the money issues, and she's probably very sad about the fact that she doesn't contribute, which adds to the anxiety, which stops her from going out to work - you see the vicious circle.

Work - I found temping was good to get back into work - no stressful interviews, I'd only be somewhere for a short period of time, so no huge responsibility. It was a lot easier to cope with.

Nights are darker, she may be more susceptible to Seasonally Affected Depression, in which case an "SAD lightbox" can be very helpful. If she's a bit more blue over winter, that ain't gonna help the anxiety. Get out for walks in the daylight - natural light, endorphins if you can move fast enough are great!

Achieving things is important, and definitely helps to build confidence, which helps to conquer the anxiety. It doesn't need to be big things. If your days are filled with doing nothing, then it is an achievement if you've done a few odd jobs around the house and gone to the local shops. These little things are important and should not be belittled.

Nutrition I find very helpful. When I'm slipping, I up my veg intake. Always find eating raw carrots puts me in a good productive mood the following day, so I get more done, so feel more confident, so do more - a good circle! Now on fruit smoothies every morning and that's helped to - sooo easy! Bung frozen fruit in blender, cover with water, blitz till smooth, pour in glass, wash blender (because it's easier while it's still wet) - the easy way to 5 a day.

How long? When I was at the point of not being able to go outside on my own, it was for around a year. When I turned a corner, it took me a year and a half to get better. I'd think "ooh I must be better, I feel better than last month", and realised that was happening every month.

People get anxiety/depression mixed up with laziness. Yeah, some people are lazy. Other people - if you've got a phobia about something, let's say heights - imagine all your daily tasks taking place along a very thin ledge which is very high up. You'd be terrified most of the time. That's anxiety; you're not just a bit anxious, you're often physically terrified by just the thought of doing ordinary things. It's pretty s!!!.

Wow this post got long!
Summation (or TL/DR!)

For you - It's gonna take a long time, and it's a slow recovery. It's not impossible however, and there's lots of things you can do to help.

For her -
*Nag/change doctors for help, be willing to try medication.
*Eat fruit/veg, get sunshine, get exercise
*Make more effort to do happy things - boppy music for instance.
*Work - try temping, less responsibility initially, so less scary.
*Keep keep trying.

Hope this helps.

System

Knowing my own experience of MH services, even when you chase things, they can take a long time. When i was at my worst, i was given a waiting time of 18 months at the earliest for any form of therapy. I onlt got fast tracked for a psychiatric assessment because i attempted suicide. And that emergency referral still took a month to come through. I know it used to annoy mys ex to no end, to the point where he'd become so angry at my appoinments they asked me not to bring him in So i see the OPs frustation, but also that its not quite so straightforward for their partner.

I would encourage you see seek out additional help from charities such as MIND or Rethink, they can sometime offer help a bit quicker than the NHS can.

My last ex, i never lived with, but he got with me when i was still unable to work cos of my MH problems, at times i think he too got frustrated with me not working, it caused a few arguements and some resentment, but at first i really didn't feel ready to go back to work, but after a year my mood did stablise and with his support and encouragement i did end up returning to part time work which i'm still in now.

TLDR: there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it may be a long journey.

I will say if this is causing major resentment and problems, and that if you don't think you can deal with this long term (and its not going to change overnight), then maybe you need to consider your position and if you're actually happy in this relationship.

FBaby

The problem with anxiety/depression/phobias is that you just cannot know if loved ones are ever going to get better. When you are not happy living with them as they are and you stay in the relationship on the hope that that person will get better, you are at risk of waking up one day and feeling you have sacrificed many years of your life.

I worked with people suffering from mental health problems, mainly the above conditions for a few years, and those who got better were not always the ones I thought would. Some people had suffered from the illness for all their lives, and never managed to get much better. Others suffered from many years and suddenly something clicked and they totally changed their lives. Sometimes it was as a result of finding the right medicine, but at other times, there wasn't even a particular trigger.

It is so hard to share your life with someone who is limited in the life they can experience due to mental health, even harder when you don't accept that they might not get better for quite some time when you are so desperate to share all the good and fun things life can bring or/and when the illness causes additional stresses in the relationship.

OP, if your partner never got much better, or even stayed as she is, could you accept her as she is and be there to support her?

hazyjo

I'm in a similar boat but have accepted the fact that my BF is now our 'home-maker' and I go to work. We're lucky in that we have nearly double the amount of money coming in than you do (although people do tend to live within their means, so my outgoings/mortgage may well be more!).


My BF has bipolar disorder, and I also see slight agoraphobia.


He never sits around doing naff all. He does EVERYTHING indoors. All the ironing, all the washing/drying, cat litter/outside - all bagged up (& he feeds/waters them), does all the cooking, cleaning, garden, hoovering, Post Office stuff, ebay stuff if we sell, bits of shopping now and again... everything! Even makes me sandwiches every day, and brings my breakfast up to me with a cuppa in the mornings when I'm getting ready for work, and even plugs in my hair stuff, etc. The only time he puts the TV on is if he's ironing and watches a film. He is off and on his computer, at least one radio is always on, and he isn't still working when I get home or anything - I'm not a complete slave-driver lol!


There was a bit of resentment to start with, but I've realised how well it works for us and, tbh, I think if he was earning money and going out socialising, I'd have a heart attack. I still have nightmares (literally) about the life he once had. He's done enough socialising to last a lifetime and is now just enjoying being a house-husband - we're all very happy!


Jx