Bah humbug!

babymoo

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

To answer a few questions I did speak to my husband once I had time to mull it over. I reminded him how many years he has requested we just have a quiet Christmas alone together (with the 2 dogs). I also reminded him how 'hard' I had worked these past few months to get the result that we could finally have the opportunity to do this and I have made certain my mother wont be alone at all (I wouldn't allow this anyway). I said he had shocked and upset me as he's backtracked and now invited his mother again! I pointed out how his mother has snubbed an invite from his brother to be with his family including young grandson who she doesn't often get a chance to see despite them just living 3 hours drive away, an offer for a visit at Christmas which is rare anyhow. How she has turned down an offer to be with her 'boy friend' and his family (nephew and his wife) who she knows enough to feel at ease with. So either way she has had offers and puts herself in the position of being with us or alone in her own home at Christmas. Besides I do suspect we would go visit late afternoon anyway to pop in and say hi over a mince pie and cuppa.
My husbands reaction was a bit one sided saying he would speak to his mother and explain that I didn't want her with us for Christmas! So what could I say to this? I have just accepted that she is going to be with us and what I want (at the request of my husband initially) doesn't count and I don't matter. I will just have to wait another year and go through the same thing all over again, I suspect we will have my mother or be with her next year to be on the 'fair' side.

I have often suggested we go away for Christmas and avoid all this turmoil but I can't afford it, husband wouldn't enjoy it and I doubt I would actually either.

So now what do I do? Invite my mother, go and be with her at my brothers girlfriends parents or own up and tell the truth that the mother in law will now be here at my husbands request (thus making my own mother jealous and me a potential liar)? Or just keep schtum about the whole MIL part altogether - I am not very good at keeping a lie as I was taught it wasn't good behaviour to be dishonest, i'm more likely to be caught out on the day too some bizarre way or another (phone or photos etc)!

These past years have been quite MIL and husband as my FIL has been poorly (additionally he died in November and funeral in December), then it was the turn of supporting my own mother as my Dad was poorly and MIL and husband through bereavement then my own mother and brother and myself through bereavement then the year before last we had my mother living with us (my brother was going through a messy divorce as well) and last year we were summons to be with my mum, brother and his kids and new girlfriend (which we all met for the first time) in my mums new house, fun, traditional childhood reminiscence but stressful and missing my own Dad. Throughout this time I have missed out on doing anything 'special' for my 40th birthday 2 days after Christmas and our 10th wedding anniversary (October) but se la vie!

Unless I book and pay for my own birthday nothing will happen, even if I did do what I would enjoy doing nobody else would be able to join me due to the time of year.

As for the dinner and faff, MIL has already suggested she wants to help cook the turkey. If it was just the 2 of us I wouldn't bother with something so elaborate - a micro-dinner and mince pie with brandy butter would do us fine! Its too expensive too eat out and not enjoyable either. Perhaps I will just sit and watch TV and let husband and MIL get on with it :rotfl:

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

She no longer comes round daily to walk the dogs as husband is home more often at the moment due to his job being quiet and her also spending more time again with her friend. We do see her several times a week, keep in touch by text and phone daily (and I call my own mum at least once a day too).

Of course I don't begrudge my husband having his mother around Christmas day not at all I just want some time alone with my husband for once!

To me it feels more as if she has put herself in this situation so she can be with us rather than being alone as she wants to be with family - is her other son not family, is the man she spends almost every day with now not family? Im honored she choses to want to be with us again but again nobody sees what I desire, perhaps I shall just go be alone and leave everyone else to be together!

I have done my upmost to make cetain my own mother isnt alone so I can enjoy Christmas with my husband alone at his request (for several years now) so this year I made it happen or so I thought.

To be quite honest my husband in a reverse situation wouldnt care less. Im already arranging to go spend some pre christmas time with my mother early December and making sure I see my brother his kids and girlfriend as well. I can guarantee when I mention this to my husband there will be a long deep groan icy stare and continual sigh until I say I will book the train. Im also not expecting any gifts from him again this year for Christmas or Birthday and its down to me to pay for everything else too from Christmas, birthday and new year.
Oh well its just another day I will survive the bright side of life

I could be well off the mark here but there are certain comments that stick out in your posts OP that say to me this isn't just about your MIL coming round for christmas.

I have highlighted a few above.

tgroom57

Dear Crispy - please consider booking a few Assertiveness courses for yourself at local Adult Education. If you mix it in with a couple of other courses you find interesting then it won't seem so obvious. But what comes across is that your situation must change. I've just checked the dates on your above posts and it wasn't me posting them, although this could well have been me, 20 years ago.

The best presents are the ones you give yourself! And I've had the 'visit Mom the other side of the country by train, with 6 month old, because hubby won't drive you there in his grand Rover SD1. Nor will he take you to visit Grandma in the next town, although his parents visit every week & often stop over.' It's all one sided- he'll drive slowly on the rare occasion he's driving towards your people, and put his foot down coming away from them, literally, and vice versa with visiting his folks. Maybe you married my ex.

And I'm guessing you don't drive either. See to it.

Crisp_£_note

Unfortunately I can not drive due to a degenerative condition which is a lifelong illness since I was diagnosed several years ago, I am therefore unable to obtain a full license. My train journey is also often difficult logistics wise as I have agoraphobia and I also rely on someone the other end to collect me and take me to my mams house an hour from the nearest 'direct route' station otherwise I am stuck in between changing trains, this means I need a lift an hour away from my local station to get to the nearest 'direct' station to me. My mother did stay with me for many months last year whilst she was house hunting but she decided she couldnt be away from Wales and eventualy found a place next door to her sister who isnt there very often!

My life seems full of complications but yes maybe an assertiveness course may help if I can find a free one nearby it wasnt so long ago I had loads of confidence and self esteem but sadly this was taken away by some very unkind people who I trusted for many years to be good friends at the time needless to explain they are no longer in my address book!

Im working on getting the train beginning of December for a weekend when my brother can accomodate me around his plans so I will get to see my niece and nephew as well as my brother and of course my Mam. Fingers crossed this brief visit works out as I am so looking forward to it.

Linda-Lou

Hi everyone!
I know Christmas can be a logistical nightmare for some families. We all want "our" special day, preferably spent with the people we love to see. It must be awful to "have" to invite someone just because you feel obliged.
In our family ( only a small group), we always have my mum on Christmas Day itself. She lives locally. We ring her in the morning to wish her Merry Christmas, pick her up before lunch, and take her home after tea. She is 84 and doesn't like being out late at night.
This day, the 25th, is sometimes a "proper " Christmas Day, sometimes more of a normal meal - depending on when my DS and DIL can visit. They have been married 7 yrs, together for 9, and we said from the start that we didn't want them ever to feel they had to be with us on the 25th. After all my darling DIL has her own family too.
So our way is this - we have our" Christmas Day" whenever they can get to us, this year it's the 27th. We do the whole thing, meal, presents, silly hats, games. One year we had it in November, as they were going away for Christmas. The important thing is that we are all together for a day. My DS and DIL live futher north, and we don't see them as much as I would like!
It works for us.
Wishing everyone a happy time xxx

FatVonD

That sounds lovely, I hope I can be that kind of MIL when the time comes

duchy

hieveryone wrote: »

Yes, you could, but Christmas is traditionally a time for family, and to deny a family member of that, to me, is cruel.

That's my opinion, all entitled to one.

Plus, the 'hubzy' thing grated on me :rotfl:

It grated on me too but I didn't think that gave me an excuse to be rude !

"Christmas is a time for families" Yes it is - and who could be closer "family" than husband and wife !

If you insist on buying into the supermarket's idea of Christmas (designed to turn you into an over stressed wreck on Christmas day slaving for anyone who happens to have a blood or marriage connection with you ) spending stupid amounts of money on food and gifts for this hoard of home invaders) that is your choice. Of course if you are the one waited on rather than the kitchen slave for the day you may see it differently !!

Not everyone wants to spend their Christmas as you do - especially if both partners work and Christmas offers quality couple time -especially if family (as in this case) live around the corner and they see them all the time anyway.

There's always a compromise to be found though- like telling the mother that Christmas dinner is at 6pm and she is invited from five - giving a couple the day to themselves. (Christmas dinner is essentially a roast - with planning very little actual effort on the day - just good timing)

Just another opinion

tgroom57

I feel it is all about managing 'customer expectations'. Family expectations, maybe. Obligations are there only to fill a vacuum. I would encourage you to visualise how you'd like to spend the Christmas season - because it is not just one day- and then 'make it so'.

Morglin

It's really pointless getting so wound up about one over-hyped day, which is basically the climax of weeks of stress getting presents for people, and bucketloads of cash being hurled about...:eek:

DH and I have a large joint, and noisy family - and we try to cater to them all over the couple of days that is Christmas....we have long given up the idea of spending it alone. :whistle:

But, New Years Eve is ours and ours alone - we go away, to a nice hotel, alone, for a day or two, and have our "Xmas" then. No company, no parties - they are all told to (nicely) buggar off lol:beer:

As the OP wants a day in with hubby and the dog, could she not just have that on her birthday?

Seems a bit mean to leave an elderly relative on their own, and much more in the spirit of Christmas to be generous and make her welcome...

My elderly Dad is a pain nowadays, with his fussing, fretting and changing his mind about everything every 5 minutes, but I think back to the wonderful Christmas's he (and my late Mum) provided for me as a child, and then my kids, when they were little (and we were skint!!), and it's a way of saying "thanks" to make sure he has as nice a Xmas as possible, without my mum with him.

All a matter of compromise, a sense of humour and counting your blessings.....

Lin

margaretclare

FatVonD wrote: »

I can see your point of view on this, OP.

We too thought we would be getting the Christmas we wanted this year, ie, us at home with the kids and my mum and seeing DH's family on Boxing Day. SIL and BIL had invited MIL and FIL to lunch with them while we were all invited down for the evening (an hours drive away.) DH said we wouldn't be able to come as his kids need to be back at their mums by around 7pm (family party) and by the time we got there it would be almost time to leave.

Suddenly, faced with the idea of DH's parents not seeing the grandkids on Christmas day, everything else got changed. We now have to drive an hour to have Christmas lunch (at £56 per head for 11 people) in the area that BIL and SIL live and then back to theirs afterwards so we can leave by 6pm to get the kids home in time.

Why is it so crucial that DH's parents see the grandkids on Christmas Day?

A suggestion: Tell them that you can't do it because you're going to church. Isn't that what it's all about rather than driving miles here and there, for no good purpose?

Slinky

I had to put my foot down when our Christmas arrangements were having to consider my OH's nephew's wife's parents arrangements which then dictated where OH's mother would be spending her Christmas (that's the short version, don't ask why). Now OH's mother comes to us for New Year and we get to spend Christmas either at home by ourselves or we go away (alternating years with our neighbours as we swap looking after each other's cats).