Ex husband leaving DD with his girlfriend

marisco_2

My advice is to approach how you handle this situation, in the same manner you would hope your ex would with you. Place total trust in him to prioritise his children's welfare, and to only leave them in the care of people who he has complete confidence in.

Lieja

I'm the 'girlfriend' in a similar situation, except mum won't accept that I have anything at all to do with her daughter even 4 years down the line. It's causing major issues, and she can't see the horrible effect that being unable to deal with her own feelings is having on her daughter.

The way you feel about it is natural but not rational, so let your head rule your heart on this one and let her have a lovely day and enjoy your time too!

[Deleted User]

JustSmile wrote: »

It seems quite an established relationship if they have brought a house together, I see no harm in your DD being left with his Gf.

Unfortunately I am unsure how old this relationship is. Although its none of my business now I guess. The first we heard of it was XH emailing me to say he was going to introduce his GF to the children in May. By June I had DD all out of sorts without knowing why. It transpired that he told the children they were buying a house together and she thought she was going to get a new mum to replace me. He didn't tell me any of that, so I couldn't support the children through this change. When I confronted him, he said he was going to tell me in his own time as it didn't concern me. We are separated so live separate lives.


They moved in together in August.

[Deleted User]

Errata wrote: »

I'm struggling to understand how much of a treat it could be for your son to be driven around a lorry yard in his dad's car.

DS get to sit in a lorry cab being driven around by his dad, I think is the idea. They are both mad on Eddie Stobarts, Scammels, Tractors, Heavy Haulage in general. It would be a real treat for DS, trust me!

[Deleted User]

FBaby wrote: »

How long have they been together? I remember feeling just the same when my ex moved with her partner and it was hard to hear the kids talking about all the things she did for them. On one hand, I was sooooo relieved that she wasn't a wicked step-mum because that would have been much harder to deal with emotionally, but I remember feeling like crying at time that they could enjoy their time with them when as a single working mum, I already felt guilty and missed not spending more time with them. I felt like I was robbed of a day, and that it was bad enough to be robbed by their dad, but a totally stranger to me felt like salt on the injury.

As you said though, I never shared my feelings with the children, I gritted my teeth and told them how great it was....and then they started to talk less and less about her because she became more 'human' as they got to spend more time together, ie. not always so much fun, but part of their family.

A few months ago, I told them off because they hadn't got her a birthday card on time, and after I said it instinctively, I laugh at myself because it wouldn't have happened a few years back!

Totally agree with your first two paragraphs, that is how I feel. Maybe I'll be like the third in a few years time. Thank you for making me feel like my feelings aren't silly.

northerntwo1

Deleted_User wrote: »

Unfortunately I am unsure how old this relationship is. Although its none of my business now I guess. The first we heard of it was XH emailing me to say he was going to introduce his GF to the children in May. By June I had DD all out of sorts without knowing why. It transpired that he told the children they were buying a house together and she thought she was going to get a new mum to replace me. He didn't tell me any of that, so I couldn't support the children through this change. When I confronted him, he said he was going to tell me in his own time as it didn't concern me. We are separated so live separate lives.


They moved in together in August.

I absolutely understand your personal feelings I think all mums would but he sounds like a good father and so you need to trust him. I'm very sure you have or will do left your child with someone who isn't him. This is parties, play dates, sleep overs, rainbows friends etc and I presume you didn't get his permission. He loves her like you do so trust him. Very few parents would ever do anything to hurt their children and he's seen them together, so trust him that no harm will come to her, though I do see how you feel as a mother.

[Deleted User]

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I can only imagine how this feels bailey - I do feel so for any parent who didn't choose a split to then be forced to share their kids.
As someone else has said, you need to use this free time well, to have some fun yourself.
I hope you ex is also getting better at fun 1-1 time with your DD too, an not just DS, and last year's holiday situation hasn't been repeated. It was tough then for you not to get that much needed week off so maybe in a way, he has taken that on board and made sure if it's his time with the children, he doesn't 'offload' one of them back on to you rather than work at accommodating both their needs.
At least if they have bought a house together, his new partner has every side of being long term in your children's live rather than the upset of a how series of girlfriends coming and going.

Hi Brighton Belle,
I can't believe you remember all that. You must have elephant memory. That was back in 2013. This year he didn't change his boyz toyz plans, he just took DD with him, DS and his mate and made time to focus on things she'd enjoy. He did bring them back a day early. I had to laugh. I knew it was because he wanted a Sunday back with his GF before work on Monday. I agreed as I hadn't seen them for 6 days, desperate to see them and it meant I could plan a bbq with friends, that otherwise wouldn't have happened. So it suited me too. He knows that if he changes his plans, I'll willingly change mine, as I'm happy to have them. I guess though that if I ever meet someome then I will value my child free time more.


You make some valid points along with lots of other posters.


Thank you for helping me rationalise this.

jackyann

For me, the bit that jumps out is that you have "never met her".
You really should meet a person with whom your kids are spending a significant amount of time.
I'm not saying you should fuss on this occasion, but you should arrange this somehow with XH in the near future.
You can then picture her when the kids talk about her, and begin to establish co-operation within this new family. As the kids get older, you & she need to establish some common ground.

[Deleted User]

jackyann wrote: »

For me, the bit that jumps out is that you have "never met her".
You really should meet a person with whom your kids are spending a significant amount of time.
I'm not saying you should fuss on this occasion, but you should arrange this somehow with XH in the near future.
You can then picture her when the kids talk about her, and begin to establish co-operation within this new family. As the kids get older, you & she need to establish some common ground.

For two reasons, firstly he has never instigated a meeting, as far as he's concerned his new life has nothing to do with me and he's never suggested me meeting her. I wouldn't be surprised though if he sprung it on me one return journey, unannounced, expecting me just to just go with the flow and be fine with it.


Secondly, I don't want to meet her. I'm not ready and I don't want to have the image of her in my mind. I'm happy to make encouraging noises and support the children to have a good relationship with their father and new GF, but I haven't been offered the opportunity to meet her and as yet have no desire too. I don't want to find myself awake at 3am comparing myself to her. Similarly I know have his address, people ask me what his house looks like. I don't know and don't want to know. I could google map it, but I don't care. The children drip feeding me information randomly is enough, I don't want to know anymore about their father's new life.


I don't think i'm bitter, its more about self preservation and protection.


This is how I am coping for now, i'm sure it will change in the future. Time.....

[Deleted User]

northerntwo1 wrote: »

I absolutely understand your personal feelings I think all mums would but he sounds like a good father and so you need to trust him. I'm very sure you have or will do left your child with someone who isn't him. This is parties, play dates, sleep overs, rainbows friends etc and I presume you didn't get his permission. He loves her like you do so trust him. Very few parents would ever do anything to hurt their children and he's seen them together, so trust him that no harm will come to her, though I do see how you feel as a mother.

I know he is a good father, a crap husband, but a good father.


His priority will be the welfare of DD and DS.


I guess my viewpoint is he has the children 1 day our of 7. They go to spend quality time with him. He could have the option to see them more during the week, but he doesn't choose too. So their time is limited to 24 hours at the weekend. He doesn't even call much in the week anymore like he used to since August.


So my rationale is that if he is taking DS out for the afternoon and not spending quality time with DD, then she should be returned to me (as her mother) so I can do something with her, rather than her spending the afternoon with his GF.


Thing is I don't really know what DD would like to do if asked as I've never wanted to put her on the spot or make her feel she has to choose and upset someone. So I tend to avoid those sorts of conversations and just do what I feel is best for that moment in time.