Pregnancy problem

fivetide

Hopefully the few weeks will give her a moment in the limelight. If nothing else she will have a great resource to lean on, someone who has been there, seen it, done it and knows that not every little thing is going to be a disaster. She might be quite on edge at first so having you around for advice could be a real plus for her.


If she doesn't take it well, then that is her look out not yours I feel. Hope that isn't the case though and with you so close to each other there could end up being competition to see who delivers first!

Mrs_Soup

Try not to be upset by a passing comment on her part that wasn't even addressed to you. You should both be happy about your babies. A friend who was having IVf once said to me that hearing about a friend/family being pregnant was like being kicked in the stomach - but not by the person who was pregnant -ie that you are happy for them but terribly hurt that it isn't you at the same time. So I can understand why she would say she would have been devastated but it wasn't aimed at you personally. I had fertility problems myself and when I finally got pregnant after some treatment (not IVF) the day we found out my SIL announced her pregnancy . I would have found it very difficult to be overjoyed for her had I not just had my own news but at the same time did have several weeks of keeping quiet and worrying until I got to a safer stage.
I was going to suggest waiting an additional couple of weeks to make your announcement so that she too has passed the 12 weeks but as a fertility patient she has likely already had a viability scan.
Your happy news is only marred by her feelings if you allow it to be. She would have had a problem perhaps had she not been pregnant but she IS so there is no issue. Bear in mind as well that yours is a second child and hers a first and you tend not to get the same level of excitement form others for second or subsequent babies.

MrsSippi

tea_lover wrote: »

I'm not quite sure why you posted tbh. Everyone that's dared to say they could see where your SIL came from has been shot down. If you just want people to agree that she's evil-incarnate and shouldn't have dared say anything then maybe say that in your OP... would save us all some time.

Well that is your take on it. I have also said (numerous times) that I am happy for her, that she has had a tough time of it, that I have had friends go through it so I am not completely clueless.

Again, I could be wrong, but if I had had a struggle to conceive I would just be absolutely thrilled that it has happened for me, I wouldn't be giving a whole lot of thought to someone else who a. isn't pregnant (as far I as I'm aware) and b. isn't trying to get pregnant (as far as I'm aware). And before anyone asks, there is no way she has any inclination about us. Also, I would expect that even when I was told I would still be so wrapped up in my own happiness it wouldn't really bother me that someone else was pregnant at the same time.

MrsSippi

Mrs_Soup wrote: »

Try not to be upset by a passing comment on her part that wasn't even addressed to you. You should both be happy about your babies. A friend who was having IVf once said to me that hearing about a friend/family being pregnant was like being kicked in the stomach - but not by the person who was pregnant -ie that you are happy for them but terribly hurt that it isn't you at the same time. So I can understand why she would say she would have been devastated but it wasn't aimed at you personally. I had fertility problems myself and when I finally got pregnant after some treatment (not IVF) the day we found out my SIL announced her pregnancy . I would have found it very difficult to be overjoyed for her had I not just had my own news but at the same time did have several weeks of keeping quiet and worrying until I got to a safer stage.
I was going to suggest waiting an additional couple of weeks to make your announcement so that she too has passed the 12 weeks but as a fertility patient she has likely already had a viability scan.
Your happy news is only marred by her feelings if you allow it to be. She would have had a problem perhaps had she not been pregnant but she IS so there is no issue. Bear in mind as well that yours is a second child and hers a first and you tend not to get the same level of excitement form others for second or subsequent babies.

Thank you for the reply. I did consider leaving it an extra couple of weeks before telling everyone (just to give her that bit longer to celebrate) but I am already starting to get a bit of a tum, which isn't currently noticeable to others but I don't think it will be long before it is. My dh as well is so keen to tell everyone he doesn't want to wait any longer than he has to (nothing to do with sil).

I think we will just have to see how things pan out, maybe what she said was just in the heat of the moment.

Pollycat

MrsSippi wrote: »

Also, I would expect that even when I was told I would still be so wrapped up in my own happiness it wouldn't really bother me that someone else was pregnant at the same time.

So wrap yourself up in your own happiness and don't let it bother you that your SIL may be pregnant.

Or could it be that deep down you feel she may have stolen your limelight?

In your first post you say this:

MrsSippi wrote: »

Anyway while I understand that everyone is very excited for her and I don't begrudge that at all, she has said to my husband that she is "glad it happened to her before us (even though we hadn't told anyone we were trying) and she would have been devastated if I had been pregnant when she is as it is her time".

You don't say 'we are all very excited for her', just 'I understand everyone is very excited....'

MrsSippi wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. However I would just like to say that when we had our first 3.5 years ago she hadn't even met her partner, never mind started IVF so I doubt very much she was "torn apart" by it. I have said that I cannot understand IVF and the feelings that go with it because thankfully, it is not something I have ever had to do. However, of course I don't begrudge her her pregnancy and I am pleased that she finally gets to have a baby I just feel quite upset that someone should be "devastated" that I am pregnant, irrespective of their history, esp a family member. I have 3 friends who have had IVF (with varying success) and have seen the utter torment they went through (which I wouldn't wish on anyone) and I am sure they were upset when I told them I was pregnant last time yet they all still said they were happy for me.

Have you any idea how dismissive the part of your post in bold sounds?

In fact, I think that is far worse than what your SIL has said.

LilElvis

MrsSippi wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. However I would just like to say that when we had our first 3.5 years ago she hadn't even met her partner, never mind started IVF so I doubt very much she was "torn apart" by it. I have said that I cannot understand IVF and the feelings that go with it because thankfully, it is not something I have ever had to do. However, of course I don't begrudge her her pregnancy and I am pleased that she finally gets to have a baby I just feel quite upset that someone should be "devastated" that I am pregnant, irrespective of their history, esp a family member. I have 3 friends who have had IVF (with varying success) and have seen the utter torment they went through (which I wouldn't wish on anyone) and I am sure they were upset when I told them I was pregnant last time yet they all still said they were happy for me.

I am well aware that it is going to be difficult telling her because of her situation but equally I feel that why should our happy news be marred because of how she feels? Again I haven't been in her situation so I may be completely wrong but, if I was, there just is no way I would say I would be "devastated" by someone else getting pregnant (to be fair, I might be thinking it but I wouldn't say it, esp to the potential parent of the child who is my own sibling).

We have kept quiet which has allowed her her time in the limelight and I don't mind that in the slightest but equally we can't keep it a secret forever (esp as our 3 year old will know in a couple of weeks) and it seems like this is already overshadowing the time when we tell people.

Try asking your friends how they honestly felt. Yes, they will have been happy for you, but there would almost certainly have been a host of more negative feelings that they didn't express to you.

And you really cannot say how you would react because you, fortunately, are not in your SILs situation. I've read countless threads on infertility forums of women who love their friends and families, but are insanely jealous, angry and ,yes, devastated when they announce pregnancies. They feel no joy, though they will say they are happy, and this in turn makes them feel even worse.

She doesn't know you are pregnant - she articulated something I am sure she would never have said had she known you were. Put this behind you and support each other through the next 9 months, because I can guarantee that she is still beset by worries that her happiness could be snatched away from her.

MrsSippi

Pollycat wrote: »

So wrap yourself up in your own happiness and don't let it bother you that your SIL may be pregnant.

Or could it be that deep down you feel she may have stolen your limelight?

In your first post you say this:



You don't say 'we are all very excited for her', just 'I understand everyone is very excited....'


Have you any idea how dismissive the part of your post in bold sounds?

In fact, I think that is far worse than what your SIL has said.

When I said that I mean that she didn't know 3.5 years ago that she couldn't conceive naturally so how could she be "torn apart" by it? If you were single, and as far as you knew had no fertility problems, you would not be "torn apart" when someone else falls pregnant.

tea_lover

How on earth do you know that she wasn't aware she had problems?? I very much doubt she's shared her entire gynae history with you. I've known since I was 19 that I would have problems conceiving (and was single at the time).

You do sound really dismissive of the trauma of infertility. There are studies showing it to be as difficult as going through a cancer diagnosis and treatment, people can develop PTSD from it. It's really nowhere near as simple as "well she's pg now so she should be happy for me".

DigForVictory

You're rightly 10 weeks cautious, but hurrah & may all go smooth & safe & happy for you as you got from 3 to 4!

Forgive the lass who is finally stepping into these waters one injudicous remark? (At least? You've done this before, you wonderful competent old hand you - she's a complete rookie & thus likely being noisily happy to conceal the dear-gods-what-have-we-Done?.)

This coming fortnight? Let her take all the bows. It is all so new for her. When your 12 weeks is warm and safe & robust, you can step up & take your turn. In so far as you can, let her make all the new & wonderful racket without taking any of it personally.

You're both pregnant, which does not automatically make a bond. (More like a queue for the loo.) Happily she has her busband to be all starry eyed with, & you have your husband & your daughter to rightly & properly eye the future intelligently with. She's having a baby - you're having a family, same process but slightly different outcome. Unfairly, everyone will expect you to be the grown-up one who will understand & tolerate coming second in the news, but try not to take it out too hard on your husband? And definitely get caller display so you can make informed choices whether to answering!

Your extended family will possibly suffer emotion fatigue at two pregnancies & angst at whom to knit for first & seem to support her as you've "already got one". That's just how the dice fall. Try not to feel too bilious about it. Focus on picking up nice things for you & recommend setting up a gmail 'baby' account where she can get all the newly-hatched marketing sent. (I'll presume you're already signed up for all the mum & baby mail? Or will be updating them at 12 weeks?)

Each of you has a long stretch of waiting & growing & minding what you eat & hopefully lovely healthy pregnancies, but you have the edge in experience & thus can decide whether or not to abide by your midwife's decrees or not. Don't let her "oh but *my* midwife says" spoil your pregnancy. You have the evidence that your ways work for you. She has a compeltely blank slate written on by sundry baby manuals. Hang on to your temper & wait. When she is delivered of reality, she can learn for herself just how spot on the sacred Gina (or whomever) is.

As you coach little one in the idea that there will be a sibling, also coach her that there will be a little cousin too. She'll *always* be the big girl. Train her carefully. Fetching & carrying, then how to put up the pushchair, then change a nappy, then bring you drinks - I've three carefully trained sons & only make my own brew at work...

All health & strength to you, your husband & daughter, your family & your sister!

sulphate

I expect that she made a passing comment she didn't think about much at the time. Just bear in mind that her feelings are no less valid - she is allowed to be devastated if that's the way she feels. It's not a reflection on you. One thing I've learnt whilst being pregnant is that people do come out with varying comments.

I think you need to be sensitive, and show it. IVF pregnancies are prone to more problems than non-IVF. Imagine how she'd feel if something went wrong but your baby was born right around her due date. She will have to accept you are pregnant, but that is something she will learn to do.

I would tell her in advance, or ask your husband to tell her in a sensitive manner. Then tell the rest of your family.

Of course your baby is as important as the rest. But apart from the IVF business, you need to bear in mind that it is your second baby, but her first, so the excitement other people will feel towards them both may be different.