Pregnancy problem

MrsSippi

I am currently 10 weeks pregnant with our second baby and, all being well, we plan to tell family and friends when we reach the all important 12 week mark. My sil has literally just announced she is 8 weeks pregnant after IVF (I think - she was having IVF after being told she could not conceive but has said it was natural even though MIL said it was as a result of the IVF, so who knows). Anyway while I understand that everyone is very excited for her and I don't begrudge that at all, she has said to my husband that she is "glad it happened to her before us (even though we hadn't told anyone we were trying) and she would have been devastated if I had been pregnant when she is as it is her time". My husband obviously didn't say anything about us but he is not all happy with her attitude and I am not sure what to do when it comes to telling everyone our news. I am a bit upset by what she said as while I understand it has been tough for her I also feel that one baby is just as important as the next. So should I just ignore this and carry on as we were or what should we do?

PudseyDB

You cant change the fact you're both pregnant at the same time.....let her have the limelight for 2 weeks then announce your good news as you had originally planned.

Maybe you could tell SIL yourself before she hears it from other family members - who knows, she might find it nice to have someone to share the experience and go baby shopping with.

ps.....congratulations :j

mum2one

Congratulations - agree that it would be better to tell sister in law 1st, it could just be there so exicted esp if it was ivf that it's seems more of a miracle than someone trying naturally that they don't want anyone else expecting as they feel it's a miracle.

Sure once they have the news she will be ova the moon.

I know when I was expecting Dd the news came out b4 the 12 weeks due to work issues and not exactly the ideal relationship at the same time my cousin was expecting which although she didn't tell anyone to 12 weeks the baby would have been the 1st granchild on the family side she was due 1st but I popped her to the post.... She wanted the limelight at all costs but it backfired on her, not saying that it sis in law is a drama queen xx

tea_lover

I'm not saying she was right to say what she did, but unless you've been through years of infertility and IVF you can't understand how much it messes with your head.

As you weren't planning on saying anything for a few weeks I'd stick to that for now. Gives her a few weeks to get her head around everything.

IVF hormones are STRONG. Imagine the worst PMS mood swings you've ever had, x100.

Obviously your baby is just as special, and exciting and I'm sure she'll be happy for you when you do announce it - just cut her some slack for now.

MrsSippi

tea_lover wrote: »

I'm not saying she was right to say what she did, but unless you've been through years of infertility and IVF you can't understand how much it messes with your head.

As you weren't planning on saying anything for a few weeks I'd stick to that for now. Gives her a few weeks to get her head around everything.

IVF hormones are STRONG. Imagine the worst PMS mood swings you've ever had, x100.

Obviously your baby is just as special, and exciting and I'm sure she'll be happy for you when you do announce it - just cut her some slack for now.

Thanks for all the replies. Just to reiterate, we are not planning to say anything till we reach 12 weeks (in 2 weeks time) and that would have been the case regardless of what has happened. I am just cautious by nature and as excited as we are I couldn't bear to tell everyone early in case something did go wrong (that's just me though, I think it is a personal choice for everyone). By the time we tell everyone they will have known about her pregnancy for 4 weeks.

I do understand (as much as I am able) what has been said about the IVF and while I appreciate it hasn't been straightforward I just feel a bit upset that already she has said she would be "devastated" (her words) if we were pregnant. It seems quite a harsh statement to make. Maybe I am wrong but she doesn't even know yet and she hasn't reacted well to even the thought of it, never mind the reality.

gayleygoo

I do hope that she isn't "devastated" that you are pregnant, while she's been through a lot it would be a bit mean to begrudge someone else their pregnancy! I'm pregnant with my third now and would love someone else to be pregnant so I could share the exciting journey with them (heck, I even tried to talk some friends into it ), but then I haven't had to wait for years for it to happen so I've no idea what that's like.

I'd wait a few weeks and then tell her first, hopefully she will be excited that you'll be having cousins close in age, which is a bonus

LilElvis

tea_lover wrote: »

I'm not saying she was right to say what she did, but unless you've been through years of infertility and IVF you can't understand how much it messes with your head.

As you weren't planning on saying anything for a few weeks I'd stick to that for now. Gives her a few weeks to get her head around everything.

IVF hormones are STRONG. Imagine the worst PMS mood swings you've ever had, x100.

Obviously your baby is just as special, and exciting and I'm sure she'll be happy for you when you do announce it - just cut her some slack for now.

^^^ exactly this!

IVF itself is the final stage of a prolonged and emotionally painful process. Your SIL will have been poked, prodded and examined in her most intimate areas, injected herself with drugs which have strong physical effects. She will have been both insanely jealous and heartbroken when others have announced their pregnancies, angry when she reads of the !!!!less having a hoard of children when she has tried so hard to have one. She will have blamed herself. Your previous pregnancy will have torn her apart, and trying to show happiness for you will have taken every ounce of willpower she had when her heart was breaking.

Read the thread on this board where others are trying to conceive with infertility and you might have a greater understanding of what she has been through and why she feels the way she does.

Be happy for her, and forgive a comment that stems from what she has been through.

And congratulations to you both!

MrsSippi

LilElvis wrote: »

^^^ exactly this!

IVF itself is the final stage of a prolonged and emotionally painful process. Your SIL will have been poked, prodded and examined in her most intimate areas, injected herself with drugs which have strong physical effects. She will have been both insanely jealous and heartbroken when others have announced their pregnancies, angry when she reads of the !!!!less having a hoard of children when she has tried so hard to have one. She will have blamed herself. Your previous pregnancy will have torn her apart, and trying to show happiness for you will have taken every ounce of willpower she had when her heart was breaking.

Read the thread on this board where others are trying to conceive with infertility and you might have a greater understanding of what she has been through and why she feels the way she does.

Be happy for her, and forgive a comment that stems from what she has been through.

And congratulations to you both!

Thanks for the reply. However I would just like to say that when we had our first 3.5 years ago she hadn't even met her partner, never mind started IVF so I doubt very much she was "torn apart" by it. I have said that I cannot understand IVF and the feelings that go with it because thankfully, it is not something I have ever had to do. However, of course I don't begrudge her her pregnancy and I am pleased that she finally gets to have a baby I just feel quite upset that someone should be "devastated" that I am pregnant, irrespective of their history, esp a family member. I have 3 friends who have had IVF (with varying success) and have seen the utter torment they went through (which I wouldn't wish on anyone) and I am sure they were upset when I told them I was pregnant last time yet they all still said they were happy for me.

I am well aware that it is going to be difficult telling her because of her situation but equally I feel that why should our happy news be marred because of how she feels? Again I haven't been in her situation so I may be completely wrong but, if I was, there just is no way I would say I would be "devastated" by someone else getting pregnant (to be fair, I might be thinking it but I wouldn't say it, esp to the potential parent of the child who is my own sibling).

We have kept quiet which has allowed her her time in the limelight and I don't mind that in the slightest but equally we can't keep it a secret forever (esp as our 3 year old will know in a couple of weeks) and it seems like this is already overshadowing the time when we tell people.

lulu_92

MrsSippi wrote: »

There just is no way I would say I would be "devastated" by someone else getting pregnant (to be fair, I might be thinking it but I wouldn't say it, esp to the potential parent of the child and to my own sibling)

This is what would annoy me. The trials and tribulations of IVF aside, SIL should not have said that to your OH - it is a bit selfish and presumptuous when she is unaware that you were trying in the first place.

It might be down to her relief and excitement now she is finally pregnant but if I was OP it would still upset me.

Pollycat

MrsSippi wrote: »

I do understand (as much as I am able) what has been said about the IVF and while I appreciate it hasn't been straightforward I just feel a bit upset that already she has said she would be "devastated" (her words) if we were pregnant. It seems quite a harsh statement to make. Maybe I am wrong but she doesn't even know yet and she hasn't reacted well to even the thought of it, never mind the reality.

It's a turn of phrase, an exaggeration.

Cut her a little slack, tell her as soon as you are ready to share your own happy news (before anyone else) and hope she is happy for you.

TBH, I think you may be reading too much into this and looking for problems where they may be none.

tea_lover

I'm not quite sure why you posted tbh. Everyone that's dared to say they could see where your SIL came from has been shot down. If you just want people to agree that she's evil-incarnate and shouldn't have dared say anything then maybe say that in your OP... would save us all some time.