At my wits end

notanewuser

I've a husband a bit like this too. I was out for 7 hours with DD yesterday afternoon. He quite literally did nothing in the house in all that time (there was stuff that obviously needed doing.)

Keeping_Positive

Using the house against you isva form of abuse. It doesnt have to be physical. Check out yje womens aid website for mord info. I spent 18 years in a relationship that althought wasnt all bad i now recognise was abusive.

Separetly, Are you married as that gives you more rights.

You are a strong women please remember thst.

Pollycat

MacyD wrote: »

I phoned his mother yesterday and asked her to have a word with him as I felt his moods were affecting the kids too. I think he was there last night while I was at work.

I hope this has worked for you and not backfired by him thinking you have been discussing /criticising him (however well-deserved that criticism is) behind his back.

MacyD wrote: »

I am not doing any of his washing so will see how that goes down today when he needs work clothes for tommorow. I am back out working tonight.

My ex used to take his clothes off - shirt & jumper all tangled together, trousers with one leg inside out etc.

After repeated requests to him to sort them out before putting them for washing without success, I started to wash them as they were and hang them up in whatever state they came out of the machine.

I also ironed the shirts he took off and threw in the wash basket, still buttoned, inside out so the creases on the sleeves were on the wrong side.
After looking in vain for a shirt that was decent enough to go to work in one day, he decided that my way was the best way.

MacyD wrote: »

The house and mortgage is in his name, I had a flat and sold it and put money towards the house. This is the hold over me he has. I don't think I could cope with the upheavel of trying to find another house for the children and myself.

Get an appointment with CAB and find out your legal position on this.
Or maybe somebody on here could give you correct and definitive advice.

pmlindyloo

MacyD wrote: »

Hi I have taken on board all your comments. Thank you all for the advice. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me too, sometimes you feel all alone.

I phoned his mother yesterday and asked her to have a word with him as I felt his moods were affecting the kids too. I think he was there last night while I was at work.

I was working last night and although I felt so anxious it was good just to get out.

I'm already on antidepressants. I have been on them for years.

I am not doing any of his washing so will see how that goes down today when he needs work clothes for tommorow. I am back out working tonight.

The house and mortgage is in his name, I had a flat and sold it and put money towards the house. This is the hold over me he has. I don't think I could cope with the upheavel of trying to find another house for the children and myself.

I feel rather bad now for posting my rather light hearted post. Thought it was more of a rant about thoughtless OHs. So my sincere apologies.

''This is the hold over me he has'' concerns me.

It is extremely unlikely that you would be left high and dry as you have children. Although the house is in his name you have a beneficial interest in it and have a right to stay there.

Of course things may not come to this but I feel that you might feel more confident about everything if you got some advice about your 'rights'. This, at the very least, would give you knowledge and hopefully enable you to 'tackle' some of the problems.

Knowledge is power, remember.

Have a read of this first

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_marriage.htm

and then make an appointment with CAB. You do not have to make any long term decisions at the moment. Just arm yourself with some knowledge - a kind of 'just in case' scenario.

Be strong.

Pollycat

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I feel rather bad now for posting my rather light hearted post. Thought it was more of a rant about thoughtless OHs. So my sincere apologies.

I think the depth of this has surprised a lot us, pmlindyloo, as the OP has enlarged on the situation in later posts.

I know you give a lot of good advice on the Benefits board.

I did think your post provided a bit of light-hearted relief, I know a lot of posters 'thanked' it.

gettingtheresometime

notanewuser wrote: »

Anti depressants don't cure depression. (Depression is caused by low levels of happy hormones. Anti-d's keep the happy hormones there for longer but do nothing to increase the levels.). Practicing mindfulness has been shown to increase levels of happy hormones. Might be worth looking at?

Going on from this have a read of Ruby Wax's book 'Sane New World'

MacyD

pmlindyloo I did have a smile at your comments, they weren't taking the wrong way.

We are not married. I tried to talk to him earlier. He said I don't do everything for him, I don't wash his cup. I couldn't figure this out until I realised he meant the heated cup he takes to work. His answer to most things are "so it's all my fault".

I asked him why he was here and he replied "cause it's my house"

He emptied the washing on to the ironing board so he could put his working clothes in it. I asked him if he was leaving it there and he put it over the back of the couch. I was upset before going to work as I was trying to sort things out and talk to him. He smiled at me as if he finds it amusing I am so upset.

I managed to hold it together in work and have since just cried and cried.

I don't know what to do for the best and just don't feel strong enough just now

MacyD

Thanks pmlindyloo I will have a look at the link

pmlindyloo

Since you aren't married then this is a better one for you to look at:

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/relationships_relationship_breakdown_and_housing/relationships_if_you_live_with_your_partner_-_relationship_breakdown_and_housing/relationships_if_you_live_with_your_partner_and_you_own_your_home_-_relationship_breakdown_and_housing/relationship_breakdown_and_housing___rights_if_your_partner_owns_the_home.htm

roobee13

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear things are so bad.

I too was stuck with a 'man child' and like other posters it wasn't til I was shot of him I realised how deeply unhappy I had been.

Please start repeating the following stock answer for when he starts asking / moaning that things haven't been done: 'It's not my house'. As you said above if that's the reason he's staying then there's really no need for you to clean and tidy 'his' house. Please keep remembering this and good on you for making a stand.

Although this might work or help in the short term, it sounds like you may need to have a really good think about what you want long term. Pmlindyloo has posted some great links should you choose to separate etc.

Good luck OP x