At my wits end

BitterAndTwisted

Someone who holds down two jobs while working 45 hours a week is unlikely to be able to afford a cleaner.

He should pay for one, the lazy disrespectful get

renegade

My husband used to treat me like that, a doormat!

I put up with it because I married forever and was still in love with him.

It came to a crunch when I wanted to do something for myself, I went to the Open University, and that was the gateway to my freedom, or so I thought.

He got sulkier and complaining that I neglected the home, told him if he didn't like it, he can do the cleaning himself which only resulted to him going down to the pub every day after work, not coming home for meals and totally ignoring myself and our 2 children. After 12 years I had had enough and told him to leave and get a flat, it was hard emotionally but I carried on until I got a job that fitted with the school hours, after 2 years I divorced him, met someone else......thats another story.:D

KxMx

So sorry my comments about help/shares are my general views and were not directed at anyone

Mojisola

MacyD wrote: »

We have been together 22 years with lots of ups and downs. It does feel like I am a single parent with 4 children. He is worse than the 3 kids put together.

I don't know why I have got myself so worked up this time

You're wondering why you got so upset this time - everyone else is wondering why you've put up with his behaviour for so long!

I can't see him changing after getting away with treating you as his servant for so long. Can you carry on for another 20+ years like this? If not, you have to seriously think about splitting up.

theoretica

How old are the kids? I think you need to start training them to run a house. The number of my fellow students who couldn't do simple household tasks or if they could, didn't realise you needed to do them repeatedly was shocking to me. Some of them had genuinely managed to get to 18 and never once cook a meal, and I don't think their parents had necessarily done them favours by this. It would be great if you could get your OH on board (as a good example perhaps? ) but even without it, having four of you doing the housework would greatly help with the load.

[Deleted User]

Yes, I am a single mum and run my home very differently. Even though my older son has aspergers and dyspraxia.., and it took years to teach him (fine motor control problems) he does the washing up, cleans his room, helps me out with cleaning up when I'm off colour or tired. It takes longer but I am sure it does him a favour in terms of life skills too. I'm not raising another eternal child. He's a wonderful, determined young man who will succeed in life. Obvously I concentrated on building him up rather than criticizing him (although he does get that occasionally).

For me, being a single mum is a lot better than being told by someone who is supposed to love you that you aren't worth anything in a hundred different ways. And then looking at you in blank amazement when you protest, which says it all the more.

Newwashingmachine

MacyD wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We have been together 22 years with lots of ups and downs. It does feel like I am a single parent with 4 children. He is worse than the 3 kids put together.

The kids only really make a mess in their rooms and use all the cups but they do put them in the sink.

I've spoke to him before and things change for about 2 days then bk to square one.

I don't know why I have got myself so worked up this time, I feel really vulnerable. I feel I just want to curl up in bed and not get out of it. Then I feel annoyed with myself that I have got in such a state and wasted 2 days feeling sick, upset and annoyed

Thanks againeveryone

Oh dear - you've got yourself worked up because you've been taken for granted by your OH. Even worse - he isn't acknowledging your feelings (he's gone off in a sulk).

I think you've probably got depression (and no wonder).

Could you go to your doctor's and ask for something just to help uplift your mood? Once your mood is better you can then make a better decision about what you want to do.

Have you got any friends/family where you could go and stay for a few days - just to give yourself some much needed space.

Hugs to you.

jorainbow

I have just got out of a 5 year relationship with this man's twin! No amount of discussion, reasoning, anger or any other emotion would change the fact he is lazy and used to having everyone run round after him! Oh of course he is the only person in the whole wide world with a tiring job which then means he couldn't do anything at all - not even go out and enjoy a meal or day out never mind tidy up or do any jobs around the home. I was exhausted, miserable, anxious and desperately unhappy and it took breaking up with him to realise this. I am now happier, healthier and feel like someone took a weight off my shoulders. You can try change men like this but trust me it wont work whilst you are doing everything for them.

MacyD

Hi I have taken on board all your comments. Thank you all for the advice. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me too, sometimes you feel all alone.

I phoned his mother yesterday and asked her to have a word with him as I felt his moods were affecting the kids too. I think he was there last night while I was at work.

I was working last night and although I felt so anxious it was good just to get out.

I'm already on antidepressants. I have been on them for years.

I am not doing any of his washing so will see how that goes down today when he needs work clothes for tommorow. I am back out working tonight.

The house and mortgage is in his name, I had a flat and sold it and put money towards the house. This is the hold over me he has. I don't think I could cope with the upheavel of trying to find another house for the children and myself.

notanewuser

Anti depressants don't cure depression. (Depression is caused by low levels of happy hormones. Anti-d's keep the happy hormones there for longer but do nothing to increase the levels.). Practicing mindfulness has been shown to increase levels of happy hormones. Might be worth looking at?