At my wits end

gettingtheresometime

Firstly let me say OH is far neater generally than me - I only say that to put the following in context.

I asked him to put something away in the garage and he complained that I could have easily have done it...which I could.

But as I pointed out to him if I had put it away then what was the chances of a) him finding it and b) me remembering where I'd put it when it was next needed - so yes I could have put it away but it was better all round him doing it.

Same with his paperwork - all over the house so when I get fed up of it it goes into a pile on his study work desk - if he has to clear it up before he can work then tough.


Could you not do something similar ?

Or alternatively put things away where you think they should go and if people can't find them then oh dear they should have put things away then shouldn't they?????

MacyD

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We have been together 22 years with lots of ups and downs. It does feel like I am a single parent with 4 children. He is worse than the 3 kids put together.

The kids only really make a mess in their rooms and use all the cups but they do put them in the sink.

I've spoke to him before and things change for about 2 days then bk to square one.

I don't know why I have got myself so worked up this time, I feel really vulnerable. I feel I just want to curl up in bed and not get out of it. Then I feel annoyed with myself that I have got in such a state and wasted 2 days feeling sick, upset and annoyed

Thanks againeveryone

[Deleted User]

My older son's father was exactly like this. I worked very long hours and hardly slept because my older son had special needs but I'd dread coming home when my older son's father had a day off and I'd worked because 99.9% of the time he hadn't even hoovered (and i'd asked him to.., yes asked nicely).

The final straw came when I had a carpal tunnel operation on both hands, so both hands were immobilised. I was told I wasn't supposed to use them at all. I wouldn't have had it done if my older son's father hadn't agreed he'd take over the household chores for six weeks.

He didn't and it cut me to the quick. Really affected my feelings of worth. A few days after the op I was doing the washing up etc. The op wan't a success.

He became my ex.

Errata

MacyD wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We have been together 22 years with lots of ups and downs. It does feel like I am a single parent with 4 children. He is worse than the 3 kids put together.



Thanks againeveryone

It feels like you have 4 kids because that's the reality.
"I've spoke to him before and things change for about 2 days then bk to square one" What do YOU do when this happens? You really need to take the bull by the horns and lay down some ground rules of civilised behaviour; tell him that his actions have consequences, and what those are. Just like you do with your teenagers.

barba

He's not going to change after 22 years and you need to accept some responsibility for "letting him get away with it for so long"

Person_one

MacyD wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We have been together 22 years with lots of ups and downs. It does feel like I am a single parent with 4 children. He is worse than the 3 kids put together.

The kids only really make a mess in their rooms and use all the cups but they do put them in the sink.

I've spoke to him before and things change for about 2 days then bk to square one.

I don't know why I have got myself so worked up this time, I feel really vulnerable. I feel I just want to curl up in bed and not get out of it. Then I feel annoyed with myself that I have got in such a state and wasted 2 days feeling sick, upset and annoyed

Thanks againeveryone

I know why you've got worked up, its because this situation is completely unfair and disrespectful to you and your time.

He thinks he deserves to live in a house that is kept clean for him and where he never has to lift a finger to keep that house in a pleasant state, he just gets to enjoy it.

He thinks you deserve to have your time and energy sapped by keeping on top of all the cleaning and chores and that you don't have the right to ask for any help in this from him, that its your job alone.

Why would anybody think that's an acceptable way to view and treat your partner? What's so special about him that he deserves to be off the hook for essential chores and even putting away his own damn stuff for his whole adult life?

I think I'd be tempted to stop doing any chores that benefit him directly (let him know that's what will be happening first) let his washing build up in a separate basket, don't cook for him, don't wash dishes he's used unless you desperately need them yourself, put all the stuff he leaves lying around in box by his side of the bed etc etc. He might not get the message, but at least you won't be wasting quite so much energy on him.

Bennifred

MacyD wrote: »

.............................The kids only really make a mess in their rooms and use all the cups but they do put them in the sink.

Put them in the sink?? They should be washing them up and putting them away!

I'm sorry you are going through this, OP, but why have you put up with it for so long? Children need training from a very early age so that things are done automatically and don't become an issue - a bit like manners being ingrained. And it sounds as though you should have done the same with your "partner".

Go on strike!

pinkshoes

MacyD wrote: »

. I do everything in the house from the shopping, cleaning, ironing and cooking. I also have 2 jobs and work 45 hours a week.

I have 3 teenagers who do their own rooms but my partner doesn't help with anything. He works full time too.

Firstly, stressing about this is not going to help. Please stop stressing.

WHY are you doing everything? Time to implement new rules, but no need to discuss them with the household. They will figure them out...

1. There are 5 of you in the house, so choose THREE nights you are going to cook on. The other nights you can eat a big lunch out, so you just need a cuppa soup.

2. Iron just your own stuff.

3. Clean a choosen room and leave the rest. If the dirt annoys you, go out.

4. Buy stuff that you need to cook your meals with, and nothing else.


They will soon figure it out, get fed up, and hopefully start helping!

BitterAndTwisted

This person is not a "partner" in any way I understand the word to mean. It appears that this partner of yours sees you as their unpaid skivvy and their reaction to your asking for them to pick up after themselves is your punishment for trying to change the dynamic.

The best thing to do with a-holes like this is to get shot of them and have them replaced with someone who shows you the respect you deserve. This one should have stayed at home with his Mummy, or employed a bloody housekeeper, not got into a relationship with someone he's hoodwinked into wiping his @rse for him.

For God's sake get rid of him!

pollypenny

I'd say if you can in any way manage to afford a cleaner, it's the best ever. Arguing about housework or feeling resentful is exhausting, adding strain to any marriage.

We'd all tidy up before she came and the kids and OH soon got into,the habit.