DH not being so dearest!

Tinks32

Opinions sought.
Not really into sex right now...Although we do manage it about 3 times a month. He works 5 nights a week and sometimes the nights he is off I just don't want it. Also I don't feel the need to have sex as he does and would quite happily have it once a month whereas he needs a at least once a week.
Busy with the business and out and about here there and everywhere. If this was you would you husband/partner be suspicious that you were having an affair? I might add that I do not go out to nightclubs, just daytime meetings!

warmhands.coldheart

Tinks32 wrote: »

Opinions sought.
Not really into sex right now...Although we do manage it about 3 times a month. He works 5 nights a week and sometimes the nights he is off I just don't want it. Also I don't feel the need to have sex as he does and would quite happily have it once a month whereas he needs a at least once a week.
Busy with the business and out and about here there and everywhere. If this was you would you husband/partner be suspicious that you were having an affair? I might add that I do not go out to nightclubs, just daytime meetings!

If he wants a bit of relief, you've got 2 hands. You only need one to hold you're book with in bed !!;) Everyone's a winner !!

Pollycat

Tinks32 wrote: »

Opinions sought.
Not really into sex right now...Although we do manage it about 3 times a month. He works 5 nights a week and sometimes the nights he is off I just don't want it. Also I don't feel the need to have sex as he does and would quite happily have it once a month whereas he needs a at least once a week.
Busy with the business and out and about here there and everywhere. If this was you would you husband/partner be suspicious that you were having an affair? I might add that I do not go out to nightclubs, just daytime meetings!

I have lots of questions before I could give an opinion.

How long have you been together?
Did you used to have sex more often than you do now?
You say your needs and his needs are different. Have they always been different?
Have you told him that you feel tired because of the other things that you do?
Has your husband accused you of having an affair?

FBaby

I agree with Pollycat, it would all very much depends on the health of the marriage outside of sex, and how well you communicate.

It is quite common for women (and men too!) to go through stages when they are not so much up for it. That's fine. What isn't fine is when the person changing their habits isn't prepared to discuss it, or worse become resentful that the other person thinks should continue as they were.

Each situation is different, but as a whole, I do feel for those men whose partner/wife are all for it when they want children, and then don't want them any near their body months after giving birth, unless they suddenly want children again, that without much explanation but I don't want it any longer, I am tired, it's you with the problem etc...

At the same time, I do feel sorry for women whose partner who suddenly go through a rejuvenated stage in their lives when they want to pretend they are 20 years younger and expect their wives who are exhausted through work/raising young children to be up to all the new tricks in the books every other day!

As for the accusation of affair, well, when there is a sudden change in willingness for intimacy without wanting to discuss it, it is natural to wonder if there is someone else to explain that change.

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

Sound like you're both not being nice to each other. He's not taking into account your work, and you're not taking into account his. You need to talk about everything you've raised in here - instead of posting on a forum, talk to your husband - we can only give our opinions on the limited information, you two have to live with it now and in the future.

Most couples have ups and downs, but communication is the start. Ask him about the frequency of sex, and your own pressures and stresses. Perhaps if he took responsibility for some things, you may be able to have more time and inclination to be intimate.

warmhands.coldheart

On serious note though... me and my wife went through a bit of this...... just had 3 Kids, 2 house moves, 3 job changes between us, all in 7 years..... It's all a lot for a couple....... Kids are now a tad older, we're more settled and things are getting "Back to normal"..... My regret is we didn't talk more about it and didn't ask for help more from family... It's amazing what a weekend away without the kids can do for a relationship !!

Tinks32

Together 13 years, I have 3 children, 1 of those is with my husband our child is nearly 12. I am 37 my husband is 58, this is his 3rd marriage and my 1st.
Sex in the beginning was all the time, then we went through a rough patch about 7 years ago, got through that and have sex about once a week. He works 5 nights a week, and I set up my own business about 8 months ago. I talk about my feelings he doesn't, instead he will make sneaky little comments that I sometimes miss until they get more and more vicious. I am a little bit like Sheldon from the Big Bang theory and don't really get things until it's too late. If I want to know something I ask, and I have never understood his behaviour like this. I have explained that I just don't feel like it so much anymore but he thinks there must be more to it, ie another man He actually said when I explained this was not the case and that I just didn't feel like having it more often that he would get it elsewhere then
This morning I was due to go to a networking breakfast (my first ever, with the boring Rotary Club) and ended up not going because at the last minute he accused me of not going where I was going and saying he was suspicious that I was going to meet a man. I even showed him the emails from the Rotary Club secretary and he is still being funny.
Thanks for all your comments, and to the poster who said I shouldn't have posted this I don't really have any close friends to ask as I am a person who has many people in her life but doesn't have anyone that close to ask, I might add that this is the same for my husband, we both do not have best friends.

Tinks32

FBaby wrote: »

I agree with Pollycat, it would all very much depends on the health of the marriage outside of sex, and how well you communicate.

It is quite common for women (and men too!) to go through stages when they are not so much up for it. That's fine. What isn't fine is when the person changing their habits isn't prepared to discuss it, or worse become resentful that the other person thinks should continue as they were.

Each situation is different, but as a whole, I do feel for those men whose partner/wife are all for it when they want children, and then don't want them any near their body months after giving birth, unless they suddenly want children again, that without much explanation but I don't want it any longer, I am tired, it's you with the problem etc...

At the same time, I do feel sorry for women whose partner who suddenly go through a rejuvenated stage in their lives when they want to pretend they are 20 years younger and expect their wives who are exhausted through work/raising young children to be up to all the new tricks in the books every other day!

As for the accusation of affair, well, when there is a sudden change in willingness for intimacy without wanting to discuss it, it is natural to wonder if there is someone else to explain that change.

He is a little bit like the pretend he is 20 years younger scenerio, he's a doorman, goes to the gym 5 times a week bodybuilding, takes steriods and all his work collegues are at least 30 years younger than him. Oh and his gym buddy is 22! He stopped going to the gym and everything else that goes with it for 2 years then last year suddenly started again.

aileth

Sounds like lack of sex is the worst of your worries. Is there any reason for such trust issues?

Personally I have a zero sex drive apart from the 'odd' moment which OH takes up. I've explained to him how I feel and he accepts it. He attends to himself and the odd times I feel I want it, we do it. He has said himself he'd never push me as it's the biggest turn-off imagining I didn't want to do it and he was trying to make me do it.

Pollycat

Oh dear, Tinks.

It sounds bad that he is not willing to talk about things, it really is the only way for you both to get to the bottom of how you really feel.

It sounds like you're working really hard and doing well and he just isn't supporting you.

TBH, if my OH was behaving like yours is, I wouldn't fancy having sex with him either.

His behaviour sounds very bullying. Has he always been like this to you?

And this:

Tinks32 wrote: »

He actually said when I explained this was not the case and that I just didn't feel like having it more often that he would get it elsewhere then
This morning I was due to go to a networking breakfast (my first ever, with the boring Rotary Club) and ended up not going because at the last minute he accused me of not going where I was going and saying he was suspicious that I was going to meet a man. I even showed him the emails from the Rotary Club secretary and he is still being funny.

is just plain selfish - and wrong.

Tinks32

His first wife left him after he discovered her affair, she had been having sex in the marital bed. He started an affair with me (I am very ashamed of this now) when he had been married less than a year with his 2nd wife. Another bit that I think explains his thoughts and actions is that he lies quite often sometimes about trivial matters and sometimes not so trivial. Sometimes I choose to ignore the lies but sometimes I pick him up on it. Like the time when I was going through my computer files to delete old stuff it came up with a weird sounding file that I didn't reconise so I viewed it and it was a photo he had sent via email to someone of his very proud manhood, he lied about that until I told him he had been caught bang to rights! So I think that he thinks as he lies about most things that I lie too and he cannot trust me. Phew as I am writting this and reading it back to myself i can really see how unhealthy this realashionship looks.