Foster Review - Appeal

Lone_Northern_Lass

VJsmum wrote: »

I don't understand the technicalities of fostering / adoption but single people foster - don't they?

Yes.

VJsmum wrote: »

Would it be possible for one of you to register .

Possibly.

VJsmum wrote: »

or am i being too simplistic

Yes.

Assessments of prospective adopters and foster carers are thorough assessments of all aspects of their lives to see whether they will be able to meet the needs of a very vulnerable child or children. If either the OP or her 'partner' apply as a single carer, they are going to be asked who lives in the home, the exact nature of their relationships with each other and how they are going to ensure security and stability for any child placed, just the same as if they apply jointly.

Edited to add - The OP's situation is confusing because it's a non-sexual, non-romantic, but apparently more than friends, 'partnership'. However, with married couples and cohabiting couples, fostering agencies simply will not assess one half of the couple as a single foster carer - couples are couples and if they're going to foster, both halves need to be committed to it (certainly, one partner can be known as being the prospective primary carer from the start of the assessment, but the other partner needs to be on board with the plan of fostering and included in the assessment).

Counting_Pennies_2

If it helps my sister went through the adoption process and it really was gruelling.


They probe every aspect of life. She was even classed as obese (size 12) and told that had to be sorted before they would consider her and her husband!


Sometimes the decisions that are made seem crazy and I think tick boxes do come into it a lot.


So an appeal might help.


The only thing that might be of concern that might need reassurance, is your views of men. If you were adamant you didn't want a man in your life again, they might be concerned as to the views you will be giving the children in your care. I am pretty sure any prejudices you may have will go against you. They often like you to be whiter than white!


Have you had testimonies from the 4 children you have both raised?


It might be worth asking them for the reasons you were refused so you have a chance of putting their minds at rest

peachyprice

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It's the word heterosexual that is causing confusion I think. The very definition of a heterosexual relationship is 'someone being sexually attracted to a member of the opposite sex/someone who is having a sexual orientation to a member of the opposite sex. Neither of these sum up your relationship at all in my opinion.

Many couples of all different sexual orientations don't have sex, and have perfectly loving and fulfilling relationships, and this appears to be how your relationship works.

From the outside looking in though, if I had to describe your relationship in someway, it would be that of a lesbian couple.

Yes, I agree with this completely.

From the LA's POV it comes across that you aren't actually fully committed to each other because you still consider yourselves independently heterosexual and can't quite go the whole hog of accepting that you are, in every way other than physically, in a homosexual relationship.

CH27

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It's the word heterosexual that is causing confusion I think. The very definition of a heterosexual relationship is 'someone being sexually attracted to a member of the opposite sex/someone who is having a sexual orientation to a member of the opposite sex. Neither of these sum up your relationship at all in my opinion.

Many couples of all different sexual orientations don't have sex, and have perfectly loving and fulfilling relationships, and this appears to be how your relationship works.

From the outside looking in though, if I had to describe your relationship in someway, it would be that of a lesbian couple.

That's how I look at it too.

Manchee

Something I don't think has been discussed is thats they have a duty of care to you, as well as any potential foster children. Looked after children can come from a variety of backgrounds and can have witnessed a variety of situations in their home life. With the history that you both have, if I was your Form F Assessor I would be very concerned about what emotions and possible behaviours could be brought to the surface if you had, for instance, a child disclose previous sexual abuse. They have to make sure that you are safe to be foster parents, that includes any harm that the experience could do to you.

cherrycake

Manchee wrote: »

Something I don't think has been discussed is thats they have a duty of care to you, as well as any potential foster children. Looked after children can come from a variety of backgrounds and can have witnessed a variety of situations in their home life. With the history that you both have, if I was your Form F Assessor I would be very concerned about what emotions and possible behaviours could be brought to the surface if you had, for instance, a child disclose previous sexual abuse. They have to make sure that you are safe to be foster parents, that includes any harm that the experience could do to you.

Yes, that is true. In my experience children who had no known record of sexual abuse would often disclose things that had happened to them after being placed with carers. Often it is only when children feel safe that they feel able to disclose things. It is of course a very painful and gruelling process for the children and the foster carers. SAMS, did you discuss this with your assessor?

lostinrates

Its funny how the 'defining' issue is more important than the actual issue of the stability of relationship etc. which of course we here cannot comment on because we cannot judge for ourselves, and which OP will have bias about naturally!

OP sees herself as heterosexual in a female relationship without sex, others see as lesbian in a no sex relationship and if I were forced to define I think I'd just define as an asexual relationship ( as OP says doesn't want to share her body at all, though I recognise her situation is not the same as many who are asexual). Apologies OP, it must feel odd to be examined so!

I am also appreciative of the view that there is a possibility there is a possibility of protection for the women. I had not considered that at all, I find that refreshing.

sams247

I have discussed everything with our assessor, she knows all our history, including the abuse and attack and actually commented that we would make good foster carers because of this and other experiences as we could empathise. They said we would have no hang ups talking about sexual abuse as we had already faced it and talked about it. So that was not a problem.

I like men, I have been known to be attracted to men in a distant way i.e. can dream of the gorgeous Mr Cumberbatch and a bar of galaxy but I have no wish whatsoever to having sex with a man, or a girl. Its worked well for me for years and thats how I plan to continue.

If I had known SS would mind our label I would have said pink loving lesbian on any form given, but I fooloshly thought we had to be honest. Having been so we are now in trouble. I should have lied.

We have great references from our children. And from two men who are active in our lives as friends and have been very positive role models when our own children were growing up.

Errata

Whilst acknowledging you and the woman you share a house with may have the best intentions in the world, I think you have to give some thought to how your lives appear to others.
You share accommodation and bills with another woman and you and she have brought up four children as single parents. You place emphasis on the abuse you and she have experienced at the hands of men and are very clear neither of you want anything to do with having men in your lives.
All that indicates to me is that your share accommodation with a good friend whom you are quite fond of. I think it really is that plain and that straightforward but somewhere along the line perhaps wires have become crossed and mixed messages conveyed.