Nice People 13: Nice Save

HAMISH_MCTAVISH

hjd wrote: »

Risk and compliance .

*Shudder*

JOB TITLE:

Profit Prevention Manager

ROLE DESCRIPTION:

You will ensure that the Compliance Framework is maintained and developed to obstruct the needs of the business in every way possible.

The Profit Prevention Manager will advise management upon action and strategies appropriate to completely eliminate all statutory, regulatory and operational risks from the business, and in so doing, will rebalance the risk/reward ratio in such a manner as to ensure the business goes bankrupt in the most compliant state possible.

The PPM will work in conjunction with the risk and compliance team to produce and deliver the annual Compliance Monitoring Programme, preferably with the allocation of sufficient workload to operations teams that they are unable to generate any revenue whatsoever.

KEY RESULT AREAS

- Treating Colleagues as Children

- Commercial Incompetency

- Excessive Attention to Detail

- Declining Business Performance

THE PERSON:

- Degree educated - ideally in a completely useless subject

- Professional qualification in Profit Prevention is desirable

- Previous experience driving companies into insolvency will be considered favourably

PasturesNew

Generali wrote: »

Does he have a part of banking he's interested in?

Being paid multi millions and drinking very expensive champers while living the Yuppie lifestyle and driving Lamborghinis.

Are there other parts?

michaels

As I sat on the train outside St Pancras becomig late for my meeting DW called. Apparently even though we have about 5mm of snow she managed to find an ungritted road and drive too fast on it then when she tried to brake the ABS basically resulted in the car not slowing much at all. Her solution? Scream, provoking the kids to scream too and then try grabbing the handbrake. Competent rally drivers will know that under slippery conditions applying the handbrake to lock the wheels and thus build up a wedge of gravel infront of the tyres can result in quicker stopping than abs acheives. The rest of us mortals know that if you lock the back wheels on a slippery surface you lose the ability to steer and probably cause the car to slew across the road. You can probably guess which happened. Luckily she did not hit anything and then apparently made the rest of the journey in a suitably chastened and cautious manner.

I am thinking an urgent investment in winter tyres is called for today. I have done a skid pan course and driven a lot on snow when I was working in ski resorts but I think for DW the panic impulse is too strong for any training to help much.

Generali

PasturesNew wrote: »

Being paid multi millions and drinking very expensive champers while living the Yuppie lifestyle and driving Lamborghinis.

Are there other parts?

Sadly, yes there are. I worked in the bit where you can afford the occasional beer and work stupid hours so have no lifestyle let alone a Yuppie one.

Generali

michaels wrote: »

As I sat on the train outside St Pancras becomig late for my meeting DW called. Apparently even though we have about 5mm of snow she managed to find an ungritted road and drive too fast on it then when she tried to brake the ABS basically resulted in the car not slowing much at all. Her solution? Scream, provoking the kids to scream too and then try grabbing the handbrake. Competent rally drivers will know that under slippery conditions applying the handbrake to lock the wheels and thus build up a wedge of gravel infront of the tyres can result in quicker stopping than abs acheives. The rest of us mortals know that if you lock the back wheels on a slippery surface you lose the ability to steer and probably cause the car to slew across the road. You can probably guess which happened. Luckily she did not hit anything and then apparently made the rest of the journey in a suitably chastened and cautious manner.

I am thinking an urgent investment in winter tyres is called for today. I have done a skid pan course and driven a lot on snow when I was working in ski resorts but I think for DW the panic impulse is too strong for any training to help much.

Crivens michaels. Hope they're all ok. The only way to drive on snow/ice is slowly and cautiously. It terrifies me when Mrs Generali drives in icy conditions as her bad habits (e.g. continuing to accelerate when the car in front is braking:eek:) are liable to catch her out on a slippery road.

PasturesNew

michaels wrote: »

.... I am thinking an urgent investment in ...

... a new wife.

Might be easier/more MSE in the medium term.

purch

PasturesNew wrote: »

Being paid multi millions and drinking very expensive champers while living the Yuppie lifestyle and driving Lamborghinis.

Are there other parts?

I used to enjoy those parts.

N.B. I didn't get paid multi-millions or drive a Lambo, but I drank a lot of Bolli, was a Yuppie and did have a Porker for a short time before swapping it for a Merc

purch

michaels wrote: »

I am thinking an urgent investment in winter tyres is called for today.

Probably not worth it, especially as it'll warm up next week.

If you drive too fast on Ice it doesn't make a lot of difference what you have on your wheels, or how many of those wheels are driven.

I remember telling that to the Master of the Exmoor Harriers when I found him in his Range Rover upside down in a ditch just a few moments after he had nearly driven me off the road when overtaking me on a bend.

I asked him if he was OK, he said yes, I said "shame"

michaels

PasturesNew wrote: »

... a new wife.

Might be easier/more MSE in the medium term.

You have met me, I'm obviously shopping from a pretty small pool...plus why would I want another wife, 1 is more than I can afford....

michaels

purch wrote: »

Probably not worth it, especially as it'll warm up next week.

If you drive too fast on Ice it doesn't make a lot of difference what you have on your wheels, or how many of those wheels are driven.

I remember telling that to the Master of the Exmoor Harriers when I found him in his Range Rover upside down in a ditch just a few moments after he had nearly driven me off the road when overtaking me on a bend.

I asked him if he was OK, he said yes, I said "shame"

I do love the 4x4 drivers who feel they can safely drive faster in the snow because 4 wheel drive means they can accelerate more quickly....