In despair

onlyroz

There are more productive things you can do than to bail him out.

He needs to be encouraged to confide in his wife, and to agree to give her financial control. That means that she must hold onto his debit cards and only allow him to leave the house with enough money to buy his lunch.

What form of gambling does he do? E.g. sports betting in bookies? Or online gambling? The strategies to employ are different in both cases, but the key thing is to restrict his access to money so that when the demons in his head come calling there is nothing that he can do about it. So if he gambles in bookies he needs to leave his cards at home and carry minimal cash with him. If he gambles online he needs to restrict his access to online banking (e.g. get his wife to set the account passwords etc). You can also self-exclude from the online bookies/casinos, and there is software you can install that will prevent your computer from accessing gambling sites.

Some people are helped by organisations like the GA, but I personally am dubious about their effectiveness and methodology. Such organisations are a bit cultish, and they will frighten you into thinking that you have an "incurable disease", which can easily scare you into gambling even more because if you're incurable there's nothing you can do about it right?

At this stage your son needs support, and it will be far easier for him to get it if he can confide what he has done to his wife.

tinkerbell28

I think by keeping at a secret and repeatedly bailing him out is a huge risk.

Addicts have to want to help themselves, even if that's hitting rock bottom. They also have to stop being selfish.

He will do it again, as you'll bail him out again. All he is thinking about is him, what will happen to him if his wife finds out. Not the fact he is blasting family money away. Losing money at work, then gambling loads away. So the family go without, he is more concerned his wife may take the kids and leave him. So he's in the selfish stage. As is sending the dark text to you, he got what he wanted didn't he?

Addicts are selfish manipulators even if they can't help it, it's part of the disease. If I were his wife, I may forgive the gambling etc. I would not forgive him if I found out he'd been colluding with his mother and she was bailing him out all the time. So everyone knew but me, not a chance, marriage is supposed to be based on honesty. That would kill it stone dead for me.

JoW123

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I think by keeping at a secret and repeatedly bailing him out is a huge risk.

Addicts have to want to help themselves, even if that's hitting rock bottom. They also have to stop being selfish.

He will do it again, as you'll bail him out again. All he is thinking about is him, what will happen to him if his wife finds out. Not the fact he is blasting family money away. Losing money at work, then gambling loads away. So the family go without, he is more concerned his wife may take the kids and leave him. So he's in the selfish stage. As is sending the dark text to you, he got what he wanted didn't he?

Addicts are selfish manipulators even if they can't help it, it's part of the disease. If I were his wife, I may forgive the gambling etc. I would not forgive him if I found out he'd been colluding with his mother and she was bailing him out all the time. So everyone knew but me, not a chance, marriage is supposed to be based on honesty. That would kill it stone dead for me.

Agree with this 100%. I've been in the wife's position, and it wasn't the gambling that killed it, it was the lies. This is not just about what your son wants/needs because he has involved others in this who have no choices. Please don't collude with him.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

MrsMoo01 wrote: »

Whether my son tells his wife or not will be one of the main things I discuss with him personally when I see him. The outcome of that will then be between me, my son and my daughter-in-law.

I re-iterate what I said in a previous post - with respect you neither know my son nor myself. I know bailing out my son is not the long term solution, given my own experience.

But you've still done it. So he doesn't have to tell her he's done it again.


With respect, you've fallen for typical addict manipulation and emotional blackmail. As an addict yourself, you probably did it on many occasions, and it seemed a perfectly reasonable thing to do at the time - because the alternative, of not drinking, was more terrifying than doing whatever it took to be able to carry on as you were.


When your DIL finds out (and she will, whether it's now or when some big guys turn up to turf her and the children out onto the street) that, not only did her husband and father of her children betrayed the family again, but their grandparent actually helped him to continue lying and risking their financial and emotional security - well, the fallout will be noticeable.


To be absolutely blunt (but without malice), you'd be better off telling him the money he wants is going to be given to his wife to be able to leave him and set up her own, secure home where he can't damage and betray them any more than he has already.

That might be the point at which he realises he has to change. Or he doesn't, but at least the children have a more secure life and his ex might trust you enough to maintain contact.

MrsMoo01

Thanks to everyone who has given their opinion. My initial post was about genetics and things have developed rather.

My comments

1. As a recovering addict I know more than most what it feels like to be addicted and to reach rock bottom. If I didn't have the support and love of my family I would have been at least in the gutter by now, but more probably dead. I was given 3 strikes before I was out - it took 4.

2. I am travelling hundreds of miles this week to help and support my son, my DIL and my grandchildren. I WILL be telling him he has to tell his wife. I do not wish to be party to any deceit. This has to be done face to face and not by text. Hence my haste to go there.

3. I will be asking him to seek counselling, GA or whatever it takes to help. He will also be getting tough love from me. Please do not rubbish these organisations. A short spell at AA made me realise I was not alone in my addiction and that there were people who had far worse addiction problems than me. I found after a year that hearing the same stories depressed me so I opted out. However, it was by going to AA I admitted I was an alcoholic.

I have read every post, and while I don't agree with everything said, I respect what has been said and I thank you for caring enough to read and comment.

JoW123

MrsMoo01 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who has given their opinion. My initial post was about genetics and things have developed rather.

My comments

1. As a recovering addict I know more than most what it feels like to be addicted and to reach rock bottom. If I didn't have the support and love of my family I would have been at least in the gutter by now, but more probably dead. I was given 3 strikes before I was out - it took 4.

2. I am travelling hundreds of miles this week to help and support my son, my DIL and my grandchildren. I WILL be telling him he has to tell his wife. I do not wish to be party to any deceit. This has to be done face to face and not by text. Hence my haste to go there.

3. I will be asking him to seek counselling, GA or whatever it takes to help. He will also be getting tough love from me. Please do not rubbish these organisations. A short spell at AA made me realise I was not alone in my addiction and that there were people who had far worse addiction problems than me. I found after a year that hearing the same stories depressed me so I opted out. However, it was by going to AA I admitted I was an alcoholic.

I have read every post, and while I don't agree with everything said, I respect what has been said and I thank you for caring enough to read and comment.

Then I wish you all the best, and hope you have a favourable outcome. Threads on here often invoke responses based on people's past experiences and thus often produce varied comments. That is part of the value of the forum.