In despair

MrsMoo01

FBaby wrote: »

I don't know about this. The line between not wanting to get better because you feel you are being abandonned by those who you rely the most on and not getting better because you take their help for granted is not black and white.

I worked with people suffering from addiction and their biggest incentive to get better was the support of their loved one. They did appreciate what it meant and they trully sow it as a mean to finally get over it. The problem is once it is all forgotten and fall back into the spiral of letting themselves taken in by it.

One person I worked who beat their alcoholism said that they wouldn't have done it without their husband. He bailed her out three times but the last time, he made her face her reasons to get back to the bottle. She said that she found this part the hardest and she treated him like hell, putting all the blame of her pain on him. He said that many times he wanted to give up because she just wasn't the person he used to love, but he is a very determined man so couldn't give up, so he kept on nagging and this way, she learnt new way to deal with the pressures that led her to the bottle and finally learnt to cope with it in other ways.

Sounds very familiar! My husband was my rock.

It's really hard doing though and not something one can always do when they have other priorities in their lives. My only concern OP is that it sounds like your son lives abroad? It is going to be even harder to keep a close eye on him and not let him take the easy way again. Saying that, you have been there, know how what he is going through, and he will look up to you with confidence knowing that you successfully made it to the other side, so no-one better than you to help him.

Counselling helped me overcome my demons and I will encourage my son to seek similar help.

Yes, he does live abroad so the monitoring is not so easy. However, when I see him personally next week I am hoping I can help him move forwards.

Arthog

Just bailing someone out doesn't often work - it is too easy, and the debts reappear.
Work with him by relating your own contributions to what he is paying off his debt. having watched him destroy credit cards or whatever he used to obtain the money, so you know your cash really is paying it off. Agree that for every £ he pays, you will pay x%. And also agree with him and yourself that you will not bail him out again.
Tough Love!

marisco_2

itsanne wrote: »

Ouch! Judgemental or what?

You seem to have completely ignored the other things the OP said, and that she had already acknowledged the problem with continuing to bail him out. You're usually more constructive than that.

Every time the OP bails her son out, she prevents him from facing up to the problem that he has, and seeking real constructive help for it.

He didn't learn last time and is unlikely to learn this time. It will take for him to gamble far more than anyone can afford to bail him out from, and to risk losing far more than just money, for him to see the light.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

MrsMoo01 wrote: »

With respect you neither know my son nor myself. I know bailing out my son is not the long term solution, given my own experience.

I sought counselling for my addiction which went a long way to setting me on the road to recovery. I will be actively encouraging my son to do similar when I see him personally next week. At the moment the last thing I want is for him to feel abandoned.

Are you planning on keeping this as a secret from his wife then? After all, if he's getting you to bail him out so she doesn't find out, that suggests to me that she's told him the consequences of him continuing to gamble is that she'll leave him - not as punishment, but to protect the children and to make him face up to the harm it causes.

By bailing him out, he has no reason to stop. And it completely undermines whatever course of action she is taking to try and keep them together.

MrsMoo01

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Are you planning on keeping this as a secret from his wife then? After all, if he's getting you to bail him out so she doesn't find out, that suggests to me that she's told him the consequences of him continuing to gamble is that she'll leave him - not as punishment, but to protect the children and to make him face up to the harm it causes.

By bailing him out, he has no reason to stop. And it completely undermines whatever course of action she is taking to try and keep them together.

Whether my son tells his wife or not will be one of the main things I discuss with him personally when I see him. The outcome of that will then be between me, my son and my daughter-in-law.

I re-iterate what I said in a previous post - with respect you neither know my son nor myself. I know bailing out my son is not the long term solution, given my own experience.

meritaten

MrsMoo01 wrote: »

Thank you FBaby. Very wise words. I can certainly relate to not facing the consequences of my drinking. It took a long time to rebuild the trust with my family.

My flight has been booked this morning and I will be flying over on Thursday. I am fortunate in that I am in a position to do this.

I will certainly be on his case, and will remain so.

not 'on his case' hun - but 'on his side'. you understand addiction. he needs your support and advise now. and he needs help to explain to his wife what is happening. and my advice is - that as a 'family' they get counselling.

double_mummy

ignoring all the stuff with your son how are you tonight mrsmoo? did you get up to anything interesting today?

MrsMoo01

double_mummy wrote: »

ignoring all the stuff with your son how are you tonight mrsmoo? did you get up to anything interesting today?

Feeling better today thanks. I will be glad to get away next week, no matter what.

Spent some time in the garden removing faded bedding plants - very therapeutic!

double_mummy

good hopefully you will also get some downtime while you are away

hazyjo

My BF's son put something on twitter at the weekend about wishing he wasn't a gambling addict (when my OH questioned him, he laughed it off saying it was only a small bet and he was one goal away from winning £4k. We have expressed our concerns. He's early 20s, just quit Uni, and, yes, does gamble far too much.


As for genetics... my OH was addicted to cocaine for most of his adult life. He also would have loved to gamble more (if he could get hold of the money), and drank more than he admitted to himself. His dad's an alcoholic. His dad was too - actually died in the pub. So, yes, I do believe there's something genetic there (my view though) - not that they will turn out addicted to something, but that that gene is there that can mean there is a weakness when it comes to restraint. Does my BF blame his dad/granddad for that gene? No. He knows now that it was absolutely totally 100% his decision to snort that sh**e up his nose. Nobody else to blame but himself - as I'm sure you would feel if you had your history. I'm also adopted so don't have a clue what's there. I always say I have nobody but me to blame for my fat !!!!! It's a shame lol.


Anyway, as some have said before, bailing him out won't work - but as a parent, I know you don't want to feel any responsibility for his marriage breaking up and him losing his kids. Of course he's having dark thoughts - yes, cos he's let you down, but mainly cos of the guilt of letting himself down. You know how he feels. He's beating himself up right now.


You need to lay down some ground rules (if you pay again). He absolutely has to acknowledge he has a problem and want to stop (is he just upset that he's lost the money at the moment?), and he has to look for help. You take him and drop him off to a support group if it comes to that - and you all support him as a family. Take the temptations away - no apps on phone, no internet if that helps, no cash or cards to put bets on with... I think gambling's one of the hardest ones to overcome. Bail him out if you like, but I promise you he will do it again unless he's prepared to battle it. Right now, he'll be thinking of how to get cash to gamble to make more money to replace what he's lost. Chasing that loss is the biggest part of the battle - that's the logic they need to understand/overcome.


Good luck.

Jx