In despair

MrsMoo01

Old poster new user name.

Had a text from my son tonight to say he has gambled £300 because his work has docked pay over the last two months for various reasons. Frightened to tell his wife, worried she will take their children and leave. I think he was having dark thoughts as he thinks he has let us all down.

He has had a gambling problem and has been fine for the last year. I bailed him out to the tune of £1000 18 months ago, and have agreed to bail him out this time.

I am really worried that this is a genetic addiction problem. I am an alcoholic - albeit have not drunk for over 4 years but can't be complacent.

I was adopted so have no family genetic history. I really worry that my addiction problem is manifesting itself in my children in other ways.

Don't really know what I am seeking here but have no-one tonight I can talk to.

double_mummy

hey mrs moo

first of all this is not your fault - let me repeat that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

you are doing so well 4 years without a drink is amazing remember it is one day at a time do not give up on all your hard work

you may be genetically predisposed for addictions as may your son but you have chosen to control it which means he can too

to be absolutely honest if double daddy had his pay docked and reacted by spending even more money i would not be happy (putting it mildly)

with you bailing him out multiple times he learns he can get away with it may it is best that he hits rock bottom so he can properly deal with this and go back a better father and husband

azzabazza

I have been in a similar situation.

I have bailed out my family on more than one occasion, rightly or wrongly. Fortunately the one in question seems to be on an even keel. I couldn't face his marriage breaking up and perhaps losing contact with my grandchildren. Several thousand involved but not a huge amount in the scheme of things.

I don't have answers I am afraid but if he is having dark thoughts please reassure him he can conquer his problem and that you are there to support him.

whitewing

How much are you bailing him out - the £300 that he has gambled or the gambled amount plus the amount cut?

I agree with double mummy's post.

There is a very blurry line between helping someone and enabling them. It seems to me that it is time for him to seek professional help.

Could you join a group for family members of gambling so you can help your son in the best way possible? It may help even if your son hasn't quite reached the point that he needs to in order to seek help.

MrsMoo01

double_mummy wrote: »

hey mrs moo

first of all this is not your fault - let me repeat that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

you are doing so well 4 years without a drink is amazing remember it is one day at a time do not give up on all your hard work

you may be genetically predisposed for addictions as may your son but you have chosen to control it which means he can too

to be absolutely honest if double daddy had his pay docked and reacted by spending even more money i would not be happy (putting it mildly)

with you bailing him out multiple times he learns he can get away with it may it is best that he hits rock bottom so he can properly deal with this and go back a better father and husband

I take on board what you are saying. However, the text tonight was very worrying. Yes, I know what emotional blackmail is. However, I know how I was at my lowest ebb. Not even my DH and children knew how much I loathed myself.

I have sent counselling emails tonight, pointing out how low I felt when I was drinking and how I had to take things one day at a time and how I felt at that time.

I have had a more positive reply and hopefully tomorrow he will start again to take one day at a time.

He lives abroad hence the texts.

System

I believe its called an addictive personality. Unfortunately you can help until your blue in the face but until an addict wants to change there is very little you can do to change him. Bailing him out with money might seem the only way you can help but unless he addresses his issues, you will be bailing him out again.

double_mummy

MrsMoo01 wrote: »

I take on board what you are saying. However, the text tonight was very worrying. Yes, I know what emotional blackmail is. However, I know how I was at my lowest ebb. Not even my DH and children knew how much I loathed myself.

I have sent counselling emails tonight, pointing out how low I felt when I was drinking and how I had to take things one day at a time and how I felt at that time.

I have had a more positive reply and hopefully tomorrow he will start again to take one day at a time.

He lives abroad hence the texts.

no matter how big they get they are still our kids hey!

all i was trying to say is no matter how low your son gets make sure you take 30 seconds to look after yourself first

im glad he is sounding better but you are of absolutely no use to him if you dont look after you ***HUGS***

MrsMoo01

Believe me he did not get a pat on the head tonight. I told him how I felt when I was at my lowest when I was drinking and how hard it was to accept I had a problem.

As I said in my first post I am worried more about the genetic behaviour.

I have told him I cannot bail him out every time this happens and that he has to take responsibility for his actions. The bottom line is that he is in a job he hates, is trying to get another and the economy of the country he lives in does not make this easy.

MrsMoo01

whitewing wrote: »

How much are you bailing him out - the £300 that he has gambled or the gambled amount plus the amount cut?

I agree with double mummy's post.

There is a very blurry line between helping someone and enabling them. It seems to me that it is time for him to seek professional help.

Could you join a group for family members of gambling so you can help your son in the best way possible? It may help even if your son hasn't quite reached the point that he needs to in order to seek help.

The £300. I have told him he should try and seek out Gamblers Anon. I went to AA for a short time which made me realise there were far worse cases than mine.

whitewing

Would it help to know it is genetic ie that it is random bad luck? I only ask as some of my issues seem to be down to genetic predispositions and it does seem better to me, ie not such a personal failure. But I have come to understand that it doesn't mean similar things will develop in DD and DS.

MrsMoo01

Judi wrote: »

I believe its called an addictive personality. Unfortunately you can help until your blue in the face but until an addict wants to change there is very little you can do to change him. Bailing him out with money might seem the only way you can help but unless he addresses his issues, you will be bailing him out again.

Unfortunately I know this from my own experience of putting him and the rest of my family through hell for a number of years until I got a grip of myself.

The one positive over the last 4 years is that I have had some really awful things flung at me and have discovered that I can get through things without a drink!!!

This is the mindset I am trying to convey to my son.