In despair

MrsMoo01

whitewing wrote: »

Would it help to know it is genetic ie that it is random bad luck? I only ask as some of my issues seem to be down to genetic predispositions and it does seem better to me, ie not such a personal failure. But I have come to understand that it doesn't mean similar things will develop in DD and DS.

Perhaps it would. But then, I ask myself was it something in the way we brought up our children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

meritaten

mrs moo - you are right in that addiction can take many forms. and addiction can be genetic I think. (though that hasn't been 'proved').

you can afford to bail him out this time, as you did before. and 18 months is quite a long time and he had stress at the time. and many addicts 'fall off the wagon' on their way to recovery.

I think you are right to bail him out again - but, THIS time he gets help for addiction to gambling. unless I have misunderstood and he IS seeking help?

Please don't blame yourself! we are all in charge of our own lives and 'choose' our paths.

MrsMoo01

Judi wrote: »

I believe its called an addictive personality. Unfortunately you can help until your blue in the face but until an addict wants to change there is very little you can do to change him. Bailing him out with money might seem the only way you can help but unless he addresses his issues, you will be bailing him out again.

Unfortunately I am aware of this as I have an addictive personality in other areas of my life, other than the drinking issue I had.

MrsMoo01

meritaten wrote: »

mrs moo - you are right in that addiction can take many forms. and addiction can be genetic I think. (though that hasn't been 'proved').

you can afford to bail him out this time, as you did before. and 18 months is quite a long time and he had stress at the time. and many addicts 'fall off the wagon' on their way to recovery.

I think you are right to bail him out again - but, THIS time he gets help for addiction to gambling. unless I have misunderstood and he IS seeking help?

Please don't blame yourself! we are all in charge of our own lives and 'choose' our paths.

Thank you.

I have tonight said would he like me to come over to see him and he has said yes, he would like my physical support.

Flying out to stay with him and the family next week for several days when I can address the issues face to face and hopefully get him to seek help. I got the initial kick start from AA that I needed so I hope I can persuade him to go to Gamblers Anon.

His wife is used to me making flying visits to see the grandkids but I think I need him to speak to her about this latest episode.

azzabazza

I have an addictive personality too. When I get an idea in my head I go hell for leather, be it knitting 20 hours a day or compulsive gardening. I have a compulsion to buy knitting wool, or knitting patterns, or buy plants for the garden, or do certain housework.

Is it compulsive or addictive I wonder? I think both,

FBaby

This is the mindset I am trying to convey to my son.

That is the key part of your posts. There is a pattern with additions where they try to manage it, then something stressful happens, they are desperate to relieve the stress, they get caught in to the addictive activity, which makes them feel good very temporary. Then they realise what they have done, and get to alarm mode, become obsessed with forgetting all about it until the damage gets resolved and the cycle starts again.

The problem with bailing him out is that it encourages him to avoid dealing with the last part of the wheel, which is facing the consequences. When they are desperate to be bailed out, they make many promises about how they will do anything to change their ways, but when the crisis is over, all they want to do is forget about it. You try to contact them to make sure they are taking preventive measures, and they ignore you, or get cross with you for nagging. They sare so desperate to move away from what they felt that they get very annoyed with anyone who brings them back to it.

I think if you really want to make sure that he won't come to you again to be bailed out and you really want to help, you will have to be on his case afterwards. He will most likely not like it, but if you are committed to helping him, you will have to stick to it.

MrsMoo01

Thank you FBaby. Very wise words. I can certainly relate to not facing the consequences of my drinking. It took a long time to rebuild the trust with my family.

My flight has been booked this morning and I will be flying over on Thursday. I am fortunate in that I am in a position to do this.

I will certainly be on his case, and will remain so.

marisco_2

MrsMoo01 wrote: »

I will certainly be on his case, and will remain so.

That will go in one ear and out the other.

By bailing your son out all you are achieving is to enable a grown man with a gambling addiction to not take responsibility for his actions, or to have to deal with the awful consequences they could cause. Ultimately you are not helping him at all, just delaying a ticking time tomb from going off.

FBaby

By bailing your son out all you are achieving is to enable a grown man with a gambling addiction to not take responsibility for his actions,

I don't know about this. The line between not wanting to get better because you feel you are being abandonned by those who you rely the most on and not getting better because you take their help for granted is not black and white.

I worked with people suffering from addiction and their biggest incentive to get better was the support of their loved one. They did appreciate what it meant and they trully sow it as a mean to finally get over it. The problem is once it is all forgotten and fall back into the spiral of letting themselves taken in by it.

One person I worked who beat their alcoholism said that they wouldn't have done it without their husband. He bailed her out three times but the last time, he made her face her reasons to get back to the bottle. She said that she found this part the hardest and she treated him like hell, putting all the blame of her pain on him. He said that many times he wanted to give up because she just wasn't the person he used to love, but he is a very determined man so couldn't give up, so he kept on nagging and this way, she learnt new way to deal with the pressures that led her to the bottle and finally learnt to cope with it in other ways.

It's really hard doing though and not something one can always do when they have other priorities in their lives. My only concern OP is that it sounds like your son lives abroad? It is going to be even harder to keep a close eye on him and not let him take the easy way again. Saying that, you have been there, know how what he is going through, and he will look up to you with confidence knowing that you successfully made it to the other side, so no-one better than you to help him.

MrsMoo01

marisco wrote: »

That will go in one ear and out the other.

By bailing your son out all you are achieving is to enable a grown man with a gambling addiction to not take responsibility for his actions, or to have to deal with the awful consequences they could cause. Ultimately you are not helping him at all, just delaying a ticking time tomb from going off.

With respect you neither know my son nor myself. I know bailing out my son is not the long term solution, given my own experience.

I sought counselling for my addiction which went a long way to setting me on the road to recovery. I will be actively encouraging my son to do similar when I see him personally next week. At the moment the last thing I want is for him to feel abandoned.