Can people ever just move on?

lufcgirl

Hi all!

It's been a while since I've posted on here! Hope you're all well. Part of this is money related but well...the rest is just a mess. Sorry for the long post in advance!!

I've been with my partner for 15 months now, we moved into our own rented apartment around seven months ago and that just seems to be our downfall. Before we lived together we were completely happy, in love, pleased to see each other each weekend, everything you would expect.

I think the first problem goes back to the day we moved in together. That day her parents had planned to bring her stuff in her Dad's van and move them in, I was under the belief gradually however it wasn't the case. That morning we'd signed the lease and I'd gone back home to take my sister to collect her wedding rings, arriving back about 4pm. She rowed with me about how late I was and that I wasn't there to help, then rowed with me infront of her friend in the car on our way to netball, so much so that I just asked her to take me to collect my car and I'd go home.
Meanwhile, she'd been back to our apartment and started rooting through the couple of boxes of stuff I had brought and found an old work notebook containing drafts of letters from years and years ago to an ex about getting back together. I honestly never even knew what was in that book, however she's never let me forget it.

The second incident came in July this year, we were planning a holiday, however just as the balance was due I decided that I couldn't afford it. At first she said it's ok, we'll go somewhere cheaper. Within two hours she had broke up with me saying I'm a liar. We lost £300 which I promised to pay back to her as it wasn't her fault. She's been demanding it despite knowing I don't have much money left each month and this week I realised why! I've been paying over £150 more per month for this apartment than her. She's said I'm lying but the figures match and I'm correct. She still says I owe her £300 and will never move on from me cancelling the holiday.

She's very passive aggressive, if I have an opinion it's always the wrong one, I can't do anything right and will disagree with me for the sake of it. I'm told nearly every day that she doesn't like me, she loves me but doesn't like me for what I've done (namely the holiday and moving in day) and that she feels as though I've trapped her and wants the past year and a bit back of her life. I've told her to move out if she feels that way but been told she doesn't want to. Also told many hurtful things about me, she literally doesn't like a thing about me because she can't move on from those two things!

Then on Thursday morning her Dad had a mini stroke, I've been there ever since, working from home and going to the hospital, fetching tea and generally trying to be helpful. He came home Thursday night and had seizures today so I rushed home from work to collect her and we went straight to the hospital. Came home to get changed, no cuddling, no kissing, barely a conversation from her. She actually looked at me like she despised me today and I can't get that image out of my head. When she left to go back, I assumed she wanted me to stay at home but apparently she was posing her trick question of 'are you coming then?' knowing that if I go I'm just on the outside of her immediate family or if I stay I'm in for it when she gets home for being not thoughtful. I actually can't win!

So my question is, with someone as bitter as this about these two incidents, plus probably several other smaller ones, can they ever move on? I love my home, it's my peace when she's not here but I feel like she's never going to get over anything now, she's so bitter and twisted it's unreal.

fizz

The old saying about you don't really know someone unless you live with them is true, which is something we all have to learn.
It isn't about her reaction to these incidents, it's about yours. YOU have to decide whether YOU wish to continue the relationship if SHE is going to continue behaving in a way that causes YOU grief.
Something to think about. Best of luck.

fizz

dandelionclock30

She sounds like a right nutter, I'd leave her to it. Theres something wrong with her to behave like this, basically she sounds abusive and nasty.
If it were me I look towards family and friends for some support and move out. Go out with friends and look towards meeting new people. She only behaves like this because she can.

kitrat

She sounds like trouble, I'd be out of there fast! It's not worth having a stand off over who gets to remain in the flat, I'd just go and leave her to it.

So how is it that you didn't know you were paying over half the rent?

Brighton_belle

Why would you want to be with someone like this? I wouldn't expect this sort of behaviour after 20 years together, let alone the supposed 'honeymoon' first 15 months.

People date to find out if they are compatible. You've found out in 15 short months that you are not. You don't have to spend the next miserable 40 yrs stuck together because you dated for a short period of time and that magically binds you together for ever more with no let out clause. That's the really great thing about being born in the 2nd half of the 20th Century.

carolpinkdreamer

On the day she moved in you disappeared until 4pm. You booked a holiday and then decided you couldn't go. Her father was ill and you didn't go to the hospital with her.

Maybe she thinks you are a let down?

lufcgirl

I'm tending to agree with the points above, for the past few months I've tolerated it because I've felt I deserved it. I haven't been the best person to live with as I have let her down on several occasions, but never with any intent or malice, just finances or family has meant it happened.

Just a few minutes ago I received a text (she's at the hospital)

Her: You just have tea. I'm staying with Mam and my sister for a bit

Me: Ok then. Hope everythings ok

Her: Then

Me: Sorry?

Her: Ok THEN? It just seemed a bit pointed

I literally cannot say a thing right! At the moment I am a bit trapped, my car needs an MOT (hence me using hers today) and is out of action until after the weekend and going home involves a hour and a half bus journey...so I'm here all weekend unless she decides she'll take me to visit my family on Sunday (buses don't run then). So yeah...I do love her but at this time I'm just fast falling out of it.

lufcgirl

carolpinkdreamer wrote: »

On the day she moved in you disappeared until 4pm. You booked a holiday and then decided you couldn't go. Her father was ill and you didn't go to the hospital with her.

Maybe she thinks you are a let down?

On the day I moved in - Yes, I was a let down

Holiday - Again, I was. But I wasn't going to put myself into debt for a holiday, I took a risk and it unfortunately backfired.

Father - I worked from home yesterday so I was with her if she needed me. We both went to work today and I rushed home to collect her when I was told about the other seizures and was at the hospital until she wanted to come home and get changed. There's another four people around the bedside and to be fair not enough room for me there too.

lufcgirl

kitrat wrote: »

She sounds like trouble, I'd be out of there fast! It's not worth having a stand off over who gets to remain in the flat, I'd just go and leave her to it.

So how is it that you didn't know you were paying over half the rent?

The rent side...I pay all the rent, she pays all the household bills. We thought it'd be even but unfortunately it's a £150 difference per month when I worked it out

carolpinkdreamer

lufcgirl wrote: »

On the day I moved in - Yes, I was a let down

Holiday - Again, I was. But I wasn't going to put myself into debt for a holiday, I took a risk and it unfortunately backfired.

Father - I worked from home yesterday so I was with her if she needed me. We both went to work today and I rushed home to collect her when I was told about the other seizures and was at the hospital until she wanted to come home and get changed. There's another four people around the bedside and to be fair not enough room for me there too.

You don't have to explain to me. I was just trying to think how she feels. Reading your posts I agree that you would both probably be happier apart. Good luck to you both x

Heffi1

lufcgirl wrote: »

I love my home, it's my peace when she's not here .

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of what has happened, this sentence jumped out at me.

I think you need to have a think about what YOU want and not be swayed by what she is demanding, and I do think she is demanding, she is testing you at each turn, do you want to continue walking on egg shells around her all the time?

It does not sound very healthy at the moment and a good talk might iron out some of the bumps, but it sounds as if she is in the habit of disrespecting you, is that OK with you?