Feeling unwanted

Freckles2

I sperated from my Husband in November 2012 and we divorced in November 2013.

For the last 9 months I have been seeing a lovely guy who I have totally fallen for.

The only problem is he keeps saying that he is not ready for us to be a 'couple' or anything serious.

We see each other about twice a week and go out like a normal couple. I have met some of his friends and he has met some of my friends and family.

He still says that he is not ready for a relationship though.

I am away to turn 32 so not getting any younger.

How long do I wait for him to decide that he wants to be a 'couple'?

This is making me feel really unwanted

SailorSam

9 months isn't a long time. If you'd been together for 9 years and he was still not saying he wasn't interested in commitment i think you could worry. And at only 32 you're only young.
Just leave things as they are and enjoy what you have.

Freckles2

Thanks Sailor Sam!

That is the thing I really am enjoying what we have, so I think you are right, I will just go with the flow and see what happens

aileth

I always get suspicious when men (or women!) say things like that TBH.

If you're essentially a couple but not in title per se, what is so difficult about making it official? You're nine tenths of the way there anyway if you're acting as a normal couple.

Nine months might not be a long time in the whole scheme of things, but how much longer does he want you to wait?

Is there a reason he doesn't want a relationship? Commitment-phobe or burned in the past? Or nothing that you know about?

fairy_lights

I agree 9 months is a long time to see someone without being ready to be a couple. If you've met each others friends and are seeing each other regularly, I don't really see what he can find so scary about calling it a relationship. Has he had relationships that have ended badly in the past, making him a bit more cautious?

poorly_scammo

Freckles2 wrote: »

He still says that he is not ready for a relationship though.

But he's in one. With you.

I think you need to state what you want from this OP and be prepared for an unfavourable response. If it turns out that you're singing from different song sheets then it might be best to cut your losses and end this.

Nine months is quite a long time to be with one person. He's either messing you around, has other women on the go (you sure he's not married?), has other skeletons in his cupboard or is a commitment phobe. Regardless it sounds as though you're heading in different directions.

clara75

Follow your instincts - that's my only advice. I'm in a similar boat except that it's only been two months of seeing each other in my case. I have the feeling that I'm going to have to let go of him...

*max*

SailorSam wrote: »

9 months isn't a long time. If you'd been together for 9 years and he was still not saying he wasn't interested in commitment i think you could worry. And at only 32 you're only young.
Just leave things as they are and enjoy what you have.

I disagree. After 9 months of going out with someone as a couple, I would consider us to be in a relationship. If there was any doubt about it, I would seriously reconsider seeing him at all. It seems very strange to me that someone would go out with someone else for that long and not be "together" (unless it's mutually agreed). Commitment at this stage doesn't mean a promise of "forever" (as in getting engaged), but an acknowledgement that the relationship is at least monogamous and not just a friends with benefits thing.

I think this man is stringing you along at the moment OP. If he won't consider you his girlfriend (or whatever term you prefer!), then you are a friend with benefit.

j.e.j.

You're not one of these FWB's by any chance? Sorry, not meaning to be crude, but maybe that's what he means by being with someone but not being in a relationship?

Freckles2

Thankfully we are more than just friends with benefits. I know that his last relationship ended really badly and he blames himself for that happening. I also know that he is not seeing anyone else.

I think a big thing is the fact that he has just moved back here from being abroad for a lot of his life and he is unsure if he wants to stay here or if he is going to move away again!

I would gladly go with him if that was the case ;-)

fairy_lights

Freckles2 wrote: »

I think a big thing is the fact that he has just moved back here from being abroad for a lot of his life and he is unsure if he wants to stay here or if he is going to move away again!

I would gladly go with him if that was the case ;-)

Have you properly discussed this with him? he might be assuming that the relationship would end if he went abroad again and doesn't want to start something that doesn't have a future.