Birth Friends

meritaten

Birth friends? none. Childhood friends of mine - none now since my best friend died a couple of years back. people move on, move homes, make different friends. I think its lovely, but rare to have friends from so long ago.

coolcait

thorsoak wrote: »

There has been another thread running, in which birth friends are extremely important to the OP and her 4-year old daughter.

This lead me to thinking about the birth friends of my family - and who is still in touch with who, 35+ years on. Of no 1 son, I still meet up - maybe once a year - with one lady beside whom I would puff and pant during our NCT classes. There were, I seem to remember 5 of us, and I can recall the names of 3 of them, plus the names of their babies - can't remember the name of the 4th one, and will have to ask C if she can remember. When the babies were tiny, we'd meet up each week, and share each and every new step in their development - and although it dropped off a bit when we had 2nd babies - 2 of us in the same month, and the others around about the same time, and other babies became birth friends.

However once the children became older - first time round, there were 3 (2 of them twins) boys, 3 girls, next time 3 girls 1 boy we seemed to spend more time sorting out their squabbles - although No 1 son and twins are still friends now (age 45+!) DD absolutely HATED one of the other girls by the time they were 6 - although I've remained good friends with her mum (C) since then.

By the time babies 3 & 4 came along, I was involved in setting up one of the first Preschool Playgroups and Mother & Toddler Groups and college etc - and with siblings and sibling friends, DS 3 and DS4 friendships tended to start once they started playgroups themselves.

So what I'm wondering is - how many birth friendships remain into adulthood? How many of the child birth friendships fizzle out, but the mothers remain friends?

I think to a first-time mum, in a new area, these friendships with other new parents were important, bolstering up confidence, sharing insecurities etc - but whether now, with both parents working and with both parents taking an equal share of the parenting, have they, like the Preschool Playgroups, had their day?

This is my immediate response to your post. I'll post after I have read the thread 'so far'.


To me the idea of "birth friends" is all about the mothers. Not the children.


I have a number of friends who have never given birth, through choice. I have friends who would like to give birth, but have not yet been able to do so. And I have friends who have given birth at a different time from me.


We're all still friends. So the 'birth' part is irrelevant.


I met people on ante-natal courses. They're not my 'friends', although I like them. They're not my children's friends. My children don't know their children.


If I were to talk about 'birth friends' under those circumstances, my children would be amongst the first to call me out.

coolcait

And, having read the thread, I'll stick with what I said, and with the general "point of view"

dizziblonde

I have a couple of acquaintances going back to primary school age - but it's very much just facebook friendships these days (I moved away from the area) and only resumed since someone keeps rediscovering the hideous whole school photo from the early 1990s with hideous perms ahoy and tagging everyone on it! (That perm will be haunting me till the day I die I swear)

I didn't do NCT, the demographic it attracts around here isn't one which is my kind of "thing" - I did the NHS ante natal classes with my eldest - come across one or two of the mums in the group at various toddler related things but it's in no way a friendship between either the mums or the kids really and as people have gone back to work or their kids have got entitled to funding for nursery at 2 years (we don't qualify), connections naturally loosen anyway. I'm actually finding it quite amusing - one woman made it very clear our daughters weren't friends - to the extent of handing out birthday cake at one baby group to her daughter's designated friends and completely excluding my daughter... and now all her buddies have gone back to work - suddenly she greets my daughter like it's her daughter's closest and greatest friend (I'm polite enough to them but I can't forget how bewildered and upset my kid's face was over cake-gate). I was unfortunate enough to give birth putting us in a cohort of some very very cliquey behaviour though (my mum noticed how they'd make a point of sitting with their backs turned toward the mums they didn't like at baby groups) and that's a slight factor in the reasoning I've chosen a pre-school technically in the next county for my eldest to start at (main reasons are we live pretty much splat on the county border anyway so it's 50/50 which ones we go to, and I got on much better with the staff at this one than the other one) - to avoid 'em!

We have a lot of kids in the family born at very similar points though - a particular glut of little girls as well - my cousin's got a 4 year old, I've got a 2 1/2 year old, she's got an almost 2 year old and I've got a 1 1/2 year old... amusingly - it's my kids who do the handing clothes down to her kids as mine are so tall! The kids all tend to gravitate toward each other because of familiarity and being into the same sort of toys - but calling it friendship at the point it's at at the moment would be me putting my own needs and spin on it.

tea_lover

I don't know anyone I went to first or middle school with. I've got some friends from high school on facebook but they're only acquaintances these days - maybe if we lived nearer each other we'd meet up but I'm not sure we'd bother even then. I couldn't even remember the name of anyone I met in playgroup or prior to school.

The friends I have now are people I met at uni, at work and locally.

seven-day-weekend

thorsoak wrote: »

There has been another thread running, in which birth friends are extremely important to the OP and her 4-year old daughter.

This lead me to thinking about the birth friends of my family - and who is still in touch with who, 35+ years on. Of no 1 son, I still meet up - maybe once a year - with one lady beside whom I would puff and pant during our NCT classes. There were, I seem to remember 5 of us, and I can recall the names of 3 of them, plus the names of their babies - can't remember the name of the 4th one, and will have to ask C if she can remember. When the babies were tiny, we'd meet up each week, and share each and every new step in their development - and although it dropped off a bit when we had 2nd babies - 2 of us in the same month, and the others around about the same time, and other babies became birth friends.

However once the children became older - first time round, there were 3 (2 of them twins) boys, 3 girls, next time 3 girls 1 boy we seemed to spend more time sorting out their squabbles - although No 1 son and twins are still friends now (age 45+!) DD absolutely HATED one of the other girls by the time they were 6 - although I've remained good friends with her mum (C) since then.

By the time babies 3 & 4 came along, I was involved in setting up one of the first Preschool Playgroups and Mother & Toddler Groups and college etc - and with siblings and sibling friends, DS 3 and DS4 friendships tended to start once they started playgroups themselves.

So what I'm wondering is - how many birth friendships remain into adulthood? How many of the child birth friendships fizzle out, but the mothers remain friends?

I think to a first-time mum, in a new area, these friendships with other new parents were important, bolstering up confidence, sharing insecurities etc - but whether now, with both parents working and with both parents taking an equal share of the parenting, have they, like the Preschool Playgroups, had their day?

From my own experience, it is about the parents' wishes, not the children's, they are too young to decide.

My son (35) is not in contact with ANYONE he was at school with (well, no-one he knew at school, although he has one friend who did go to the same school).

I did not go to antenatal classes. I was not alllowed to, for medical reasons. I am not in contact with any friends who I had at school. All my friends I have met since my twenties, one only a few years ago through playing online Scrabble. We are both in our 60s and meet up a few times a year.

My husband and his best friend met at school, but everyone else he met later.

I don't think on the whole children remain friends all their lives. Mainly because 'birth friends' are friends the parents have chosen. When the children are older they chose their own friends, who may, or more probably not, include the 'birth friends'.

Mrs_Soup

I don't have nay friends going back that far - i have one primary school friend on facebook but was out of touch for years before that.

My older son has a group of peers from my NCT class- at 7 they muddle along quite happily when we all meet up as we do a couple of times a year - I don't know that they will remain proper friends though. A couple of the group have moved away but several of us still live in the same area and will potentially have the same secondary school although our primaries are different. Our group was the August due dates though so once the babies arrived between end July and early September they have ended up being split across two school years which is peculiar when they are so close in age.

notanewuser

Mrs_Soup wrote: »

I don't have nay friends going back that far - i have one primary school friend on facebook but was out of touch for years before that.

My older son has a group of peers from my NCT class- at 7 they muddle along quite happily when we all meet up as we do a couple of times a year - I don't know that they will remain proper friends though. A couple of the group have moved away but several of us still live in the same area and will potentially have the same secondary school although our primaries are different. Our group was the August due dates though so once the babies arrived between end July and early September they have ended up being split across two school years which is peculiar when they are so close in age.

Ours are across July - October, which is really odd when they started school in different years!

thorsoak

Interesting responses. So, like a lot of friendships, they are transitory - oh so essential at the time, then the friendship runs its course, and you remain exchanging christmas cards, being f/b friends, meeting up once in a while. But there may be one friendship amongst those that remains important throughout one's life.

No 1 son (aged 47) still meets up with twins two or three times a year - though surprisingly, it is no 3 son (who is 10 years younger) who is the greater friend of one of them!

DD has spasmodic f/b interaction with one of her birth friends - but his wife isn't very happy about her OH talking to females that she has never met :-D - which is a shame as when they were toddlers, they went everywhere hand in hand.

suki1964

I must be a horrible person because I don't collect friends

I have no contact with anyone who I have been educated with, played with or even worked with in the past

My friends are always in the now