Splitting up at 64

BigAunty

GranB wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]He says he is not bothered about devorce as no plans to re marry. [/FONT]

He's having his cake and eating it. So, he may not want to remarry in the future but there's a lot more to being divorced than wanting to make a future commitment to marrying someone else!

He has told you that he has no plans to reconcile and you seem fairly far along the formal separation process in terms of considering that one of you must at least move out, splitting finances and so forth (ok, the emotions are still raw and there are a lot of decisions to make and negotiating a settlement to still do).

You have effectively been told the relationship is over so why not formalise it? It doesn't need to be expensive to divorce, if you agree on all the terms, you could do a DIY divorce.

Otherwise you effectively get left in legal limbo - you will remain his next of kin so if he is incapacitated or passes away, it is you that has to do the legwork, pay the costs and make the decisions, plus inherit his estate instead of his new partner (if he dies instestate). Take advice on this and research the risks of remaining married on other aspects of your life.

Do you really want to be pulled into his medical and estate issues 5, 10 or 20 years down the line because he couldn't be bothered to divorce?

While married, the state will take into account your shared capital and assets for the purposes of means tested benefits, services and residential care homes.

If he needs to go in a care home further down the line, it is your current property that could be jeopardised while his current partner shares none of this financial risk. See the Age UK website to understand what happens to jointly owned property and capital if one owner needs residential care to understand the position.

While married (I don't know the status about what happens if you are formally separated without a divorce in place so do verify the position of whether a separation has legal status like a divorce or not), there isn't necessarily a his or hers pot of assets and capital. You need to understand your financial exposure and legal obligations if you remain married - might suit him now but not you, or both of you in the future.

Is he a bit stingy which is why he won't divorce due to the cost? Or do you think he is trying to leave a way to return to you if his new relationship doesn't work out?

Again, there's the emotional side. If you don't divorce, will your children hope for a reconciliation and try to engineer this because 'dad must still love you because he never filed for divorce, deep down he mustn't have wanted to split with you'.

margaretclare

While married (I don't know the status about what happens if you are formally separated without a divorce in place so do verify the position of whether a separation has legal status like a divorce or not), there isn't necessarily a his or hers pot of assets and capital. You need to understand your financial exposure and legal obligations if you remain married - might suit him now but not you, or both of you in the future.

I don't think this happens so much nowadays. The only time I've ever heard of it happening was in the case of a wife who didn't want to be divorced because she was a devout Catholic. Nowadays Catholics are a lot more like the rest of the population in that respect.

pollypenny

I second the above, gran. I feel angry for you too. He is being a git, and taking advantage of you.

Get new, up,to date valuations and go for it.

All the very best. He does not deserve you and I'm sure his new playmate will find him out.

lostinrates

margaretclare wrote: »

I don't think this happens so much nowadays. The only time I've ever heard of it happening was in the case of a wife who didn't want to be divorced because she was a devout Catholic. Nowadays Catholics are a lot more like the rest of the population in that respect.

I am not sure but think this is what my parents have done. Just because its not often done doesn't mean it might not be a good solution for some.

Gran, your reply to people's posts was just charming. I really hope you get through this into a much happier living situation soon.

Newly_retired

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/relationships_relationship_breakdown_and_housing/relationships_if_you_re_married_or_in_a_civil_partnership_-_relationship_breakdown_and_housing/relationships_if_you_re_married_or_in_a_civil_partnership_and_you_own_your_home_-_relationship_breakdown_and_housing.htm

Lots of useful advice so far on this thread, and I have added a link to the CAB website re housing, but it will also take you to other areas of relevance, and provide information so you are armed with knowledge before you next see a solicitor and can focus your thoughts and questions more precisely.

I understand that use of Mediation is also expected, and it cuts down on court fees too, if a financial settlement can be reached in this way.

I got interrupted when I posted before, so I just want to add that I hope it all works out for you. Once you get through all the difficult processes I am sure you will come to feel your life is your own again.

GranB

Thankyou again so much for your advice and support. It has been a absolute boost to my confidence that so many folk care, I really appreciate it xx

Filey

Hi GranB

As others have said, staying married, living in the same house etc etc, is a recipe for disaster. You need to sever all financial ties, and the fairest way to go about it is to go to mediation, with or without him. This is not mediation as in getting together again, but mediation about agreeing how to split your financial affairs in a way that is equitable to both of you.

A divorce solicitor can do this for you. Obviously it will have to be paid for, but at least you will know that each of you has what the law, and yourselves, agree is fair. You will need to make a list of all your assets, including investments, property, pensions, valuable possessions and so on. It is much cheaper doing it this way than squabbling about things in court.

You sound perfectly capable of sorting your life out and not being taken advantage of by this man who who seems to want to have his cake and eat it, and then perhaps some more later!
Once you have the mediation sorted you could apply for the divorce papers from the court and fill them in yourself. In total it may cost in the region of £500. The court staff are very helpful answering queries about filling in the forms.

I did a DIY divorce when I was in my seventies. Lots of help available on the internet.

harrys_nan

sending you lots of virtual hugs, I really feel for you.
Make sure that anything to do with money that is in a joint account doesn't get emptied, any money that is yours put it in another account that only has your name on it. While things are ok between you both now, you don't know what's around the corner, he may suddenly find pressure being put on him and things could change with you being the loser.
Keep looking on the bright side cos there will be one, you won't have to wash his dirty socks/pants again for one thing. You will come out of this on top, just keep your wits about you.
You DO deserve better, xx

fivetide

More important you get divorced and sort a Will from today. The new law comes in that if either party dies (not that you are going to of course GranB) without a Will then their spouse gets everything. No questions.


For that reason alone you need to make sure your instructions are clear and you have no financial ties to this selfish [insert your own swear word here].


You may have a good 20 odd years to go out and enjoy life without him in tow. Get moving on it, if he wants his bit of stuff she can look after him! You look after you.


Good luck.

BJV

It will be hard to move on I am sure. Can not really imagine and hope never to have to find out, but change is not always a bad thing. This could be the start of a new chapter and as a previous post said who is say you may not find a toy boy ? or girl ? It does not matter either way but this could end up being the best thing that ever happened.