Splitting up at 64

Billie-S

I agree with Duchy ^^^ I can't give you any advice I am sorry gran, but I just wanted to say that I am hugely sorry about what has happened. I really feel for you. I can't imagine what I would do if my husband called time on our marriage now.

Have a hug. :grouphug:

And I hope you get some good advice from people who've been through this.

BitterAndTwisted

Sometimes the way forward emotionally is sign-posted by the financial side of things. I can see a greater benefit in moving into somewhere new and completely separate from your married life than accepting that continuing to live in this house on your own after you've split up with your husband, which could severely handicap your emotional progress.

First things first:

Garner together absolutely all paperwork relating to anything financial. Bank accounts, cash, investments, pensions, his salary if he's till working. You'll need all this for when you seek legal advice. Absolutely no divorce without agreeing the financials first.

Get an estate-agent round and ask for a realistic valuation to sell, not some pie-in-the-sky optimistic figure to draw you in as a vendor.

Find out what their commission will be. Depending on what the house is worth it could cost a grand or two, or even more shared between you both. Selling up would also cost about a grand in conveyancing fees with removals costs on top.

I suspect that if your husband has offered to buy your half of the property from you for fifty grand, the house is likely to be worth a great more than a hundred grand. He's already behaved most despicably and continues to do so, so I wouldn't put it past him to try to swindle you out of what is rightfully yours. He's already putting pressure on you by refusing to move out and forcing you to accept the status quo against your will.

What an absolute swine he is! Please don't make any of this easy for him. And remember to protect what is rightfully yours.

lostinrates

whitewing wrote: »

Do you have other family members around? Could you discuss the situation with them or are things too fraught?

Normally, I am a big fan of clean breaks and moving on, but I don't know if that would be best in your situation.

barbiedoll wrote: »

"No chance of reconciliation" but he wants to keep staying in the house, paying a share of the bills and isn't bothered about a divorce?
.

I agree with Whitewing here. I am also however quoting barbie doll on the divorce point. We don't have enough information to know but this might not be a caddish act at all. My parents separated at a later age in recent years and have remained married because its in my mother's benefit to remain married if my father predecessors her and he sees no need to scupper that.

However, I do agree that the need to take advice on the vale of house ( and any other assets, e.g. Pensions etc) and legal advice on other factors you might not have considered is real and wise.

Emotional support is pretty vital too.

As the adult child of separated older parents I'd also tactfully suggest if you have children don't underestimate the impact on them. Even though I know it was absolutely the right thing for both my parents I am very surprised by the impact and peculiarly, the anger I have felt about the situation.

duchy

A man offering £50K on a family sized house in the middle of Englandand actively discouraging her from moving on with her own life whilst he plays away and also dissuading her from taking legal advice to regulate the marital situation doesn't sound like a man who would be too concerned uif his wife was better or worse off if he predeceased her

OP If the house was sold and you moved on - what type of property would you need ? A flat or a smaller house ? Would you want to live where you are now or would with retirement either happened or approaching you want to move to a different part of the country perhaps closer to friends or family -or even just that you fancied living by the sea -or rural rather than urban ? You may not be able to afford the same size house as you are in now but as judging by the number of years you lived there it is a family sized house something smaller would not only be cheaper to buy but leave you less housework and lower bills too. Heck you could retire to Spain and never have to worry about winter bills again !!

hunnie

Hello GranB,
So sorry you are having to cope with this situation.
I am your age and have lived alone for a number of years.
I just wanted to add to all the good advice and concern above the thought that would you be able to cope with the house on your own if you tried to keep it and have him move out?
I find my house too much now as I need to work and the upkeep is overwhelming. (garden, decorating, maintenance).
I looked at selling and renting but then the outgoings would be too high as rents are at least £500 a month.
It is important to make sure you don't loose out financially. You need a decent lifestyle, so that you don't become depressed because of money worries.
Hope you work things out.
Regards
Hunnie

pollypenny

Gran, you are being far too nice! He's playing around, destroying the life you've built together and your hard work.

I'd definitely be looking at all my finances,,and his, with an eye to be giving him his marching orders.

At the very least, take legal advice. Do you have a works pension, a union where you can get free legal advice?

This is very worrying.

BigAunty

Take legal advice on a settlement that you may be due as part of your divorce, rather than the one that is offered by your ex. The Shelter website has a relationship breakdown section that could flag up your options. For example, you can force the sale of a jointly owned property through gaining a court order.

50k - what percentage of the value of the current property is this? Looks like it is a lot less than his portion the sum in joint savings that you have split and probably nowhere near a halfshare of the property. So he gets to keep the house and has a tidy sum left over after buying you out while you have extremely limited options for onward accommodation and will have to exhaust your savings to do this?


Have you looked into shared ownership housing? There's a newly separated pensioner on the benefits forum who is considering this.

Do look into the risks and issues around SO (grumbles on the housing forum around high service charges, how saleable the property is to new buyers if you decide to sell up, how difficult it is to move out of it and rent it if, for example, you meet a new partner and want to move into their place (usually restrictions on subletting), some residents who don't thin the mixed tenure of owners and social housing tenants on their estate works very well.

She has discovered that as most of her disposable capital goes into the new SO property (under the 10k means tested limit for pension credit) that she gets her state pension topped up with pension credit, the rental part of SO is paid in full by housing benefit, she gets significant council tax reduction and some of the service charges are covered by HB. I'll see if I can find the thread.

EDIT - here it is.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5070498

troubleinparadise

After 47 years our marriage has come to an end. I am 64 he is 67. He wants to play with another but live in our shared home, do our "own thing" and continue to share the bills. The house is paid for.
8 months on I am still very upset and struggling to cope with the situation. He will not move out but has now offered that he will buy my half of the house and I don’t know if it would be better to do that rather than continue as we are as he says there is no chance of reconciliation. But at the same time I am reluctant to give up what has been my home for 46 years and I have decorated and furnished to make it a comfortable and nice home for us both.

Dear Gran,

As many other posters have already said, it sounds very much as though your OH wants to have his cake and eat it.

What I have seen work (presuming that your physical/mental welfare is not at risk here, other than the turmoil created by his finding a new playmate) is that the rejected spouse stays put.

He wants to have a new life, then he can go and set up his new life. It may not make any difference to the decision he has made, but it does take some of the shine off the fun new life when that person has to make some real effort to step away from the old ways and start all over again.

Having to downsize to a smaller place, different neighbourhood, old friends dropping away, family get-togethers not quite so cosy and so on can bring a sense of reality to the new exciting life that comes with a new play mate.

It may be that you would like to start again after all that has happened. But given that it sounds as though this wasn't your choice, it seems a bit tough that he'd just like you to disappear with a few thousand in your pocket to salve his conscience and he carries on as before.

Now, I may well have got completely the wrong end of the stick here. But the story you have written of is a very similar one to that I have heard from several sources whereby there is a lot of romantic daydreaming about a new life, but which conveniently ignores the dull reality of starting all over again, and where you can't just replace the face you look at over the breakfast table with a new one without actually facing the consequences of what you have done.

And sometimes the new play mate isn't quite so keen when they become the one picking up the socks and cleaning the bathroom after their new exciting love interest when dull old reality takes over from exciting meet-ups in a candlelit restaurant....

Whilst you haven't been given a choice in what your OH has done, you do still have a choice about what happens next, whatever he says about not moving out - he doesn't get to make all the rules here.

The question really is - what would you like to happen? And do you have supportive family or friends whilst this is all going on and your old world has been turned upside down? I do hope so, this must be horrible for you, whatever has led to this point.

Shineyhappy

What would he do if you offered him 50k to buy him out leaving you with 29k and 100% of the house you clearly love?

SailorSam

If you were to walk away with only £50k could you look towards getting one of those flats that you buy only 50% or 75% equity and pay rent on the difference. Someone posted on here last week when talking about these part owned properties that people over the age of 60 didn't need to pay rent. I'd never heard that before and don't know if it's true, but it could be worth looking into it.

There's always the option of what's good for the goose is good for the gander ............. find yourself a rich toyboy.