Splitting up at 64

GranB

After 47 years our marriage has come to an end. I am 64 he is 67. He wants to play with another but live in our shared home, do our "own thing" and continue to share the bills. The house is paid for.
8 months on I am still very upset and struggling to cope with the situation. He will not move out but has now offered that he will buy my half of the house and I don’t know if it would be better to do that rather than continue as we are as he says there is no chance of reconciliation. But at the same time I am reluctant to give up what has been my home for 46 years and I have decorated and furnished to make it a comfortable and nice home for us both.
I have already split our savings and investments giving us both around £79,000
If this happens he has offered £50, 000 which would also include most of the furniture.
So far neither of us are looking for divorce and may do when we have been apart for two years so it’s not going to run up solicitor’s bills.

I am just not sure if I should start over and buy or rent a property to live in or learn to live in this situation so I can stay in my home.
There doesn’t seem to be any financial help to part buy a property for someone of my age except for disabled housing. Nor can I find any financiers that would buy a part of a property for investment purposes.

Has anyone got any experience of managing a similar situation that they would be willing to share, or any advice that anyone could give please.

whitewing

Do you have other family members around? Could you discuss the situation with them or are things too fraught?

Normally, I am a big fan of clean breaks and moving on, but I don't know if that would be best in your situation.

theoretica

Have you had the house valued recently? £100k (twice £50k) wouldn't get you a house around here so I am concerned his is not a fair offer.

jackyann

I would say that you need to separate properly, and like a lot of people at your age, you can't really afford to do so without sacrificing your standard of living.
Of course, the house represents a huge emotional commitment, and is symbolic of what you are giving up. And honestly, it sounds like "he" is trying to have his cake & eat it! You are in quite a strong position, yet he is making it sound like you are the problem!

You don't say what your financial situation is otherwise, whether you are working or what your pension is.
You are reluctant to involve solicitors, but I would say that you do actually need some legal / financial advice. I do know people who have a mortgage at your age, including some on a pension, but it needs very careful thought & planning.
Also, depending on your income, renting may be a sensible option (also quite a hard decision for someone who has maintained her own home for her whole adult life!)
I think you need to think about the kind of place you might want (and this may help you focus at such a difficult time). Would a small flat suit, or do you need more space for visiting family / can't imagine life without a garden etc?

Sounds to me that you are tying to be civilised whilst your world falls apart. I would follow theoretica's advice & get a proper valuation first. Then I would work out a split on all the assets, including the house, and pensions. Then, I would consider legal and / or financial advice, telling your soon-to-be-ex that the cost will be borne jointly. It may very well mean selling the house.
And cry as much as you like whilst doing all of this - I wouldn't be calm about something that swept my whole adult life from under me!

duchy

I can't think of many areas where a house would cost less than £100K either let alone taking the furniture into consideration as well. Is there a mortgage outstanding ?

The first thing I would do is get an estate agent or three in to value the house -you don't need to tell them anything about the situation just that you are thinking about moving. (Personally I wouldn't say anything to husband about doing so-if he happens to be there when he or she arrives it may give him a bit of food for thought).

If either of you have private pensions the value of these are also part of the marital "pot" to be shared equally.It doesn't matter if one or both of you are still working - the value still applies. For example if your husband is working with expectations of a good pension when he retires say next year the gross value of that pension could be off set against the value of the house giving you a bigger percentage of the house but no call on his pension when he draws it.

Once you have these figures get a free half hour of legal advice and consider your options again. You may decide his offer of £50K is fair or you might realize it isn't. Either way you know exactly what you are entitled to.

You wouldn't have to wait two years for a divorce unless you want to as his actions come solidly under "unreasonable behaviour" something to bear in mind if you cannot agree on a fair fifty fifty split of the marital assets. If you wanted to you could start proceedings today even with him still living in the house (not saying you should just that you could) and part of the divorce can be financial agreement if you can't agree between yourselves.

He does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Make sure you have educated yourself in exactly what is and isn't fair before agreeing to anything .

Do you have family or friends who can support you through this difficult time and help you sort out what you want ? A fresh start in a new home may help you move forward rather than staying in a home with a lot of memories- different people feel different ways about this.

Sending you a hug

pollypenny

I agree with others, you need legal advice, gran.

However, he wants it all,some might be tempted to turn things round on him. You offer to buy him out for £50,000 including furniture.

He's the one who wants another life.

Newly_retired

If £50k is not a fair offer, I would guess that, having got you out, he would sell the house and make a huge profit. Surely his new lady would not want to live in your house? So both he and you end up losing the home you loved.
I don't know how much the home reflects your tastes and personality, or how much the memories of your shared life would haunt you there. I think I would want to give it a try on my own, to see how it felt, and then decide to move on if it didn't work. But I can see that you may not have that option.

margaretclare

Yes, it does sound as if he wants to have his cake and eat it! You'll have to make it clear to him that this is not going to happen. He wants to play around with someone else - well, let him go to her.

DH walked out on an abusive marriage at 62 and moved in with me. To that extent, I can understand because we got together at the same sort of age, but our circumstances were very different.

You did all that work in your present house but did you do it for yourselves as a couple or as a family? Do you still want it just for yourself? It could be that the memories would be too much if you were rattling around in it on your own.

barbiedoll

"No chance of reconciliation" but he wants to keep staying in the house, paying a share of the bills and isn't bothered about a divorce?

How big is the house? Would a split household work for you? Dividing the bills down the middle and literally living apart whilst you occupy the same house. You would need to separate your individual living spaces, and you would definitely need to stop doing any washing, cooking, shopping etc, for him. At least this would give you a bit of breathing space to plan your next move.

Is the house worth £100K exactly? I assume that the £79K split assets are what you have each, not between you both? Does he have any pensions or other assets that are in his sole name (car, valuables etc) You really will need legal advice, if you divorce, he may well have to give you "spousal maintenance" if you are financially reliant on him. And the house will be split equally, assuming that you have no dependants living with you.

If your house is worth £100K and he is offering £50K, plus your share of the assets, £79K, that will give you £129K, probably enough to buy somewhere smaller? If the house is worth more, don't settle for £50K, he will have to give you your fair share, you can buy your own furniture later on!

I realise that this must be a tremendous shock after such a long marriage, but you need to find out exactly what his plans are. Does he want to live with new floozy sooner or later? Is she married too, is that why he wants to stay put for now?

Don't plan your life around his wishes, you need to start thinking about your future, you don't have to wait to see what he wants to do. See a solicitor and find out what you're entitled to, before you make any decisions, Take bank statements etc, and a comprehensive list of any and all assets.

I'm guessing that this is getting intolerable for you, understandably so. Take care, I hope that you get something worked out.

RAS

Hi

The most important thing you can do is to go and see a GOOD divorce solicitor quickly.

You do not need one for the divorce, just download the forms, complete, sign and pay the court fees.

You do need one for the financial settlement. Depending on you work histories, pensions schemes etc a straight 50:50 split may not be appropriate.

Can you advise some idea of the equity in the house?

duchy

I've been thinking about this since I posted.

Eight months is far too long to put up with this nonsense.
His behaviour is disgraceful. Marriages fall apart it's an unfortunate fact of life- however he is treating you with no respect whatsoever. He made promises to you which formed a contract legally- He may not wish to fufil that contract morally but when it comes to legally he has no choice butto treat you fairly. Please make sure he does.

I really hope as you are living apart in the same house you are not cooking for him or washing his clothes etc. If he wants to be single- then he needs to do these things for himself or find someone to do it for him.

There's so much we don't know - are you both working ? If so unless you are earning the same you shouldn't be paying a full half of the bills. If you were financially dependant on him then he may need to pay spousal support to you both now and post divorce in addition to a fair division of the marital assets.

Please go and get legal advice - you can get a free half an hour consultation and you may discover that legal fees anyway wil cost a lot less than not getting your fair share of the marital assets. Whose idea was it to wait two years for a divorce btw ? Incidently although it is preferable the divorce and financial settlement do not need to be finalized at the same time.

From your username I assume you have children - Do they know and how do they feel about this situation ? I doubt they'd want to see either of you dealt with unfairly financially.