Splitting up advice

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

How was he before all this happened? Was a caring husband and father, responsible at work and this was totally out of character? Or was he always a bit lazy, reluctant to work, always feeling under the weather etc...

Sounds like the second option -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4454913
"DH and I have a 8 month old DD. Even before we had her he did nothing in the house at all. I should have thought more clearly before having DD but I'm getting on a bit and desperately wanted a child.

Fast forward 8 months and DH does virtually nothing with DD, including refusing to cuddle her as she is still suffering with reflux and is sick frequently which bothers him. (doesn't seem to bother her!)

I am due to go back to work soon and am still doing everything for DD and in the house. I am exhausted.

I have broached the subject with DH to ask for help, but his usual reply is that he works full time, and he goes back to doing nothing. I will be returning full time myself (to the same company except DH is senior to me, and when I have asked for more support when I start work, his reply is that he will has more to do etc...)"

BitterAndTwisted

This is all emotional abuse with now some financial abuse thrown in for good measure. The quitting of his job is blackmail of the worst order. What kind of man thinks it OK to not lift a finger at home, leave his job without any discussion and then expect his wife to go straight back to work full-time after giving birth in order to support him and their children?

I'd be getting onto Womens Aid without delay. He can sabotage his own life but he would not get to sabotage mine!

Naturally, should the OP leave with the children he has carefully arranged not to be able to contribute any child-support. How calculating and how cruel he is.

System

duchy wrote: »

The OP has already said he is aggressive to both her and the toddler.
I'm not sure I'd choose to leave any child with anyone who was already displaying poor control towards them. The OP notes that she currently doesn't leave the child with her father.

We only have one side of the story obviously - but at best this is a man trying to maniputate a relationship we wants out of and at worst a man with MH issues. Either way he doesn't sound stable enough to care for two children....or even one for that matter.

I agree, which makes me wonder why not only he, but also his parents, are so keen for him to stay home and be a 'house husband'.

If the OP has a sympathetic GP I would recommend to go along (without the husband) and have a chat, about her own situation and how his behaviour and 'illness' is affecting her own health. This man is either ill with some undiagnosed condition, or is acting up, in a manner that seems a bit inappropriate for a 35 year old man!

BigAunty

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I'd be getting onto Womens Aid without delay. He can sabotage his own life but he would not get to sabotage mine!

Good point.

Unfortunately, these types of threads then get derailed by disputes about what constitutes domestic abuse, that we've only heard the OPs opinions (not what may actually be happening), that forum members are too quick to recommend women go to Womens Aid and so forth. It seems unless there is a threat or actual experience of physical assault, the threads go off topic into general domestic abuse policy discussions.

And also unfortunately, we have had recent threads where there should be no dispute that the OP is a victim of domestic violence (including the police intervening for threatening behaviour, for example) only for them to be told by WA that they only help those at immediate threat of danger. They have a pretty stretched service by the sounds of the feedback from some reports of forum members who have contacted them.

It can't hurt for the OP to read through their website to understand if what she is experiencing could be defined as DA, her options, how to stay safe, that leaving/ending the relationship is usually the riskiest for women so she's at her most vulnerable, how to prepare to leave (packing an emergency bag with key documents), etc. 2 key links that will help.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=0001000100080001&sectionTitle=The+Survivor%27s+Handbook

BigAunty

avogadro wrote: »

I agree, which makes me wonder why not only he, but also his parents, are so keen for him to stay home and be a 'house husband'.

Some potential reasons

1. He is genuinely mentally frail and he and his parents realise this so want him to stay away from situations which trigger it (stressful business environment).

They see the home as a space where he can recover. Unfortunately, they haven't identified or promoted the need for health and medical services to formally diagnose and treat him. They prefer to go down the rather amateur route that time out from a terrible job will magically heal his issues.

2. He is a spoilt mummy's boy who has never really cut the apron strings. This means they have joined together to enable his immature behaviour - he is a child trapped in an adult body and it suits the family dynamics to promote his immature behaviour. This is unconscious (i.e. unintentional behaviour). He is lead by his parents. His parents are interfering and controlling him.

3. Rather than sort out relationship issues or properly end the relationship on a formal basis, the OP's husband has decided to dissolve the family by removing himself from all the usual father and spouse duties and responsibilities, putting the obligation on the OP to end it, initiate divorce, move out and forego any settlement. He is basically absenting himself from everything.

Once again, it is up to the OP to expend time, energy and money on this relationship issue. In other words, he is applying his usual apathy and laziness that he displays towards housework and child rearing now on finances and divorce.

4. Punishment. For some reason, perhaps jealousy over the maternal role, the lesser house keeping contribution, resistance to his plans or similar, they are all in concert to ensure she slaves away while he gets to sofa surf. Somehow they've decided that he is due an easy life, a reward for his stressful job, and they want to punish the OP by reversing roles. 'He's suffered for you now you must suffer for him'.

BigAunty

Pinkphoenix wrote: »

Bizarrely, when we were trying to conceive and busy working and looking after DD, things weren't as bad. His attitude took a turn for worse from about 6 weeks into this pregnancy and has steadily declined, possibly not helped by quite a difficult pregnancy.

.

Obviously the jury will be out on whether or not you are a victim of domestic abuse.

However, even cursory research on DA will tell you that women can be particularly vulnerable to it starting during pregnancy or after a child has been born or a year or two into the relationship.

Patterns of disrespect, etc, tend not to arise at the start of the relationship and tend to kick in when the relationship is more mature.

I don't know why this is, perhaps the partner is more likely to show their true colours when there is some kind of financial or family dependency so they can relax a bit more, knowing their wife/partner is less likely to leave because of co-habitation, a child, shared finances and so forth.

BitterAndTwisted

His manipulative behaviour definitely sounds like emotional and financial abuse to me. All that is left is for the OP to formulate her escape plans, bearing in mind that there is unlikely to be any equity from the property or any child-support from him in the immediate future.

I'd be taking meter-readings, paying the final utility bills and then have them transferred into the husband's name while I planned my route out of there.

BigAunty

Pinkphoenix wrote: »

Theoretica- I'm not convinced he does have mental health issues I think he wants out of his job and has finally found a way to do it. .

My experience of knowing someone with anxiety and depression is that it affected both employment and the personal sphere.

To the OP - Is it possible that he is actually suffering in the way he claims and you have misinterpreted the signs and symptoms in an unsympathetic way? Is it possible his unattractive behaviour is really a cry for help? He feels worthless so he has decided that he doesn't deserve a wage and is only fit for doing low status activities (house husband). He doesn't feel he deserves you so he is pushing you away so you are free from having to share his misery?

For example, my friend who suffered had a loss of confidence about their ability to perform their job, feeling out of depth and panicky about it, resigning from work and then not feeling good enough to apply for jobs at levels they'd previously held, withdrawing at the last minute from job interviews out of panic that they'd be 'found out' pretending to be able to do it. They made mistakes at work (you said he acted irrationally at work).

At home, it showed with insomnia, withdrawal from social activities, irritability/argumentative/tearful, irrational behaviour (their partner was convinced they would runaway because they downsized their belongings and found they had looked into jobs overseas, traded in investments for cash, etc).

They didn't do much at home at all, the housework didn't get done,they didn't seem to have much energy or concentration. They lurched from whim to whim about future jobs/education/where to live, etc, with very little consultation, decisions were presented in a 'take it or leave it' way. They frequently hinted at ending the relationship. Also, their personal hygiene suffered.

Pricivius

There's clearly a huge lack of communication here, resulting in us all trying to guess motivations and work out the whys of what OP's OH is doing. Only he knows what's truly going on here...

One question that I have - when OP discussed kids with OH and they talked about work and whether OP would go back FT after DD1 and then PT after LO2, what was said about OH going PT or maybe being a SAHD? Did he express an interest?

The point is, despite OH's lack of interest to date, is there any chance he genuinely wants to be a SAHD? Sometimes, a parent may take a hands-off approach ad they are so out of their depth and scared to get it wrong. Whilst traditionally mums stay at home, why shouldn't dad get to give up work and stay home with the kids? Did OP consider this?

FBaby

"DH and I have a 8 month old DD. Even before we had her he did nothing in the house at all. I should have thought more clearly before having DD but I'm getting on a bit and desperately wanted a child.

Sorry but if this is how you feel at any stage of a relationship, why oh why decide to have another child? She knew what he was like yet chose to have another child with him. Maybe he feels used?