Splitting up advice

Pinkphoenix

I apologise if this may be long.

I'm not a regular poster but have posted about these issues before.

I think it's all coming to a head again and this time I think I want out.

Background info. Have been married for 8 years, have one 2yo DD and am currently due any day now. Husband and I work full time for the same company except he is senior to me. He owns the house we live in.

To cut a very long story short, he decided to quit his job last week with no explanation to me other than he is stressed and suffering from anxiety which makes him unable to talk, stand, eat etc at work.

He has no such problems at home (maintains his home and away seasn ticket, meets mates in pub, plays Xbox) except he refuses to do anything with DD or help me at the moment in my current condition, snapping at either of us if we interrupt.

We agreed that I would be going part time after new baby is born and my boss has already organised new contract and that it resolved.

Now H says I need to return to work ASAP full time so that we can manage with drop in income. He has said he doesn't intend to work again and wants to stay home with the kids. His aggressive nature and lack of clue what to do means he isn't alone with DD anyway. His parents have been ringing me up telling me that H needs to be a house husband and I need to return to work at the earliest opportunity.

My real issue is this, I don't think I want to act on anything yet whilst I'm obviously hormonal but I need to get some idea of plans. H owns the house and several weeks ago he removed our joint savings from the account, we share a car that he owns. He knows I feel that I want to leave and he says I'll have to leave with the kids. I don't even know where to begin with that. I have some personal savings but I will have to use those to pay the bills now that he has left work

My family isn't an option as my mum is quite ill and my sister already has 3 small children.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

BigAunty

Has he been diagnosed with anxiety/depression/stress by a medical professional and receiving any treatment for this?

Do you accept that his grounds to quit his job, albeit suddenly and without consultation, is valid or do you think he's having some kind of mid-life crisis or he's trying to precipitate the end of your relationship by making himself unloveable and trying to push you away?

Were there any signs of mental illness or do you think he suffered a work related crisis with that specific job?

Go and see a solicitor about your prospects for a divorce and settlement and whether or not you might have any chance of securing an occupation order in the courts that may give you the right to stay in the family home until your youngest turns 18. Let them know that he is squirreling away his assets and expects you to leave. Inform them about his aggression. Have you got any evidence about his capital?

See the Shelter website's section about relationship breakdown and homelessness. This will give you an idea of your rights and options, what could happen if he kicks you out or you leave voluntarily due to the end of the relationship, how a council may or may not be able to assist you with securing housing.

Use the Turn2us online benefit calculator to model future scenarios of you as a lone parent in that house if you live there without him or in rental accommodation if you leave with the kids. The local council website will indicate how much the Local Housing Allowance is for the size of property you would be entitled to (2 or 3 beds depending on the age or sex of your children).

A lone parent only has to work 16 hours to qualify for working tax credits. Many lone parents find they are much better off working this duration as it maximises their benefits, minimises tax and reduces childcare and transport to work costs. Obviously you can model the scenario for part and full time employment in that calculator.

How does the aggression manifest itself apart from ordering you to become the breadwinner, snapping at you when he wants to play the xbox and keeping you short of money?

Whose name(s) is on all the household bills, the named account holder for things like energy, insurance, water, telecoms and so forth? In other words, who is going to be hit by debts if you can't or won't cover them with your savings while he's hiding his.

Do you have any shared loans, debts or similar? The savings in the joint account - how much of it is directly yours?

Don't do anything that you don't wish to do, such as pay all the bills, take up full time employment or move out while you do your research, find your feet.

Looks like there will be a campaign of pressure against you for him to get his way if he's already involved his parents in it. Do you feel comfortable telling the parents (and your ex) politely that household and personal matters like employment, child minding and bill paying is between you and your husband and can they please stop sticking their nose into your family affairs? Failing that, are you comfortable just politely changing the subject when they start interfering or bold enough to say 'I would prefer it if your son would seek treatment for his health so that he can support his family. It would help if he didn't hide his money as there are bills to pay. It's a shame that he would rather his children become homeless than take up another job again'.

See the Direct Gov website to understand his responsibilities for child support and how this now works since the CSA has changed. A parent without care of the children is expected to pay somewhere around 15-20% of their income to the parent with care of the children. This is paid on top of benefits, it doesn't affect them, isn't means tested. However, you won't be surprised to know that many ex's go to extraordinary lengths to get out of their obligations - deliberate unemployment, hiding their employment income through self employment or working in the black economy, flying under the radar by being undetectable for enforcement purposes, going overseas etc.

Beckyy

What a strange thing to happen.

I don't have much advice OP other than to see some legal advice from a good solicitor about where you stand, what you're entitled to etc.

Has he said anything about the joint savings, or just cleared it secretly?

Do not use all your personal savings to pay the bills - are they in joint names, or just yours? What's the current set up with bills?

The impression I get of his attitude towards you and DD is concerning, stay strong OP and do what's best for you.

Pinkphoenix

Thanks for the advice. :-)

He has seen doctors repeatedly trying to get signed off work with mystery pain but they can't find an issue, no depression or anxiety. I know this as he insists I attend every appt. I'm no longer going as I don't like the charade.

Weird as it sounds, he 'acts' when he is in the doctors and tells them that he is in agony with this mystery pain but the minute he leaves the room he's fine. I suspect the GP knows this too as he won't sign H off from work.

His aggression is just aggressive shouting and name calling at moment but it does make me v uneasy.

He says his 'pain' means he can never work in any career not just ours which admittedly is very stressful, but he's currently on the other side of the country on the way back from a football match so I'm not sure how this fits in with his 'pain'

He took the savings out of our savings account in retaliation for me buying a sofa of a relative after he broke ours by jumping on it! (Yes jumping on it, he's a 35 year old man) We contributed 50/50 to savings.

Most of bills are in his name apart from gas/electric.

I could manage the house on my salary but he would never leave. His parents have told him he can't go he to them temporarily as he needs to make it work with me. Even tho they know how difficult he is being. I have told them not so politely to butt out and the reasons why he can't be a house husband.

I appreciate I'm coming across as quite cold. I feel like I've made my mind up and think it'll be a long couple of months whilst I Sort myself out after the new baby.

HPoirot

Not cold at all. I would reiterate what others have said, get yourself to a solicitor asap. I would also ask them about staying in the house with the children.

kazwookie

If you are marrried, then you have a part right to the house, as another poster has said, go and see a solicitor.

Go back to work when YOU are ready.

Beckyy

I don't think you're coming across cold at all. You need to think about yourself and your child(ren).

Find a good solicitor ASAP - please. Check all of your finances over, anything else joint that may be forgotten about. Were the savings he took a sizeable amount? Would be agree to give you back your 50% to buy things for the baby etc.?

Mojisola

Beckyy wrote: »

I don't think you're coming across cold at all. You need to think about yourself and your child(ren).

Find a good solicitor ASAP - please. Check all of your finances over, anything else joint that may be forgotten about. Were the savings he took a sizeable amount? Would be agree to give you back your 50% to buy things for the baby etc.?

If you can get some of the money back, don't put it a joint account!

theoretica

I think you should discuss with your doctor what you should do about your concerns about husband's mental health - seeming to fake pain and change of personality.

Pinkphoenix

He took £3,000 which is a lot to us as we'd just finished paying off debts. I have around £1000 of my own.

Theoretica- I'm not convinced he does have mental health issues I think he wants out of his job and has finally found a way to do it. Beside trying to get sicknotes, he's also done really inappropriate things at work and been reprimanded. It seems no coincidence that this walking out was just after I left for maternity leave. He seems to think that because I'm off, he should be off too.

Pinkphoenix

We are married and there is no way in hell he'd give me any of the money back. He said he needs it to cover football trips as he no longer has a salary.

Thankfully baby's stuff is all sorted.