Splitting up advice

theoretica

Pinkphoenix wrote: »

Theoretica- I'm not convinced he does have mental health issues I think he wants out of his job and has finally found a way to do it. Beside trying to get sicknotes, he's also done really inappropriate things at work and been reprimanded. It seems no coincidence that this walking out was just after I left for maternity leave. He seems to think that because I'm off, he should be off too.

If he didn't have such self destructive behaviour 8 years ago I think it worth trying to get an expert opinion on this. His behaviour doesn't sound exactly normal and healthy to me.

System

I bet if he were to assume responsibility for a young child and a new-born, plus looking after the house, budgeting, cooking and cleaning, the novelty of being a 'house-husband' would soon wear off! Or does he have in mind sitting around at home while you do all the rest (work, housework, and so on). Either way I think this man needs a wake-up call!

Pinkphoenix

avogadro wrote: »

I bet if he were to assume responsibility for a young child and a new-born, plus looking after the house, budgeting, cooking and cleaning, the novelty of being a 'house-husband' would soon wear off! Or does he have in mind sitting around at home while you do all the rest (work, housework, and so on). Either way I think this man needs a wake-up call!

He's far too ill apparently to do anything in the house! I ask him to help me out as I'm struggling with the bump and he says he can't as he needs a lie down!

He hasn't always been so extreme but he has had a tendency to mood swing and be quite selfish. He's never really given any thought to anyone really apart from himself.

I'm think our joint finances is the only reason that I've stayed so long that and my biological clock as I'll admit I was desperate for kids.

Pricivius

It sounds to me as though OH never really wanted kids. Your previous thread in Feb 2013 confirmed that OH had nothing to do with your then 8-month old DD and you resolved to leave him. Instead, it appears you stayed and you and your OH are now pregnant with a second child. What changed your mind against leaving to the extent that you both decided to extend your family?

So... I guess now you need to take legal advice to understand what you are entitled to from your OH in terms of the marital home, child maintenance and residence of the children.

Pinkphoenix

I may regret being so open about this but I guess I stayed because I was and still am scared of being alone. I have suffered with terribly low self esteem for years and recently started counselling which has helped tremendously but it's a long journey. However, I can definitely feel that H's erratic behaviour has gone too far.

As bad as it sounds, my kids are desperately wanted by me and in a weird way I think H like the idea of family more than the reality. Whilst not perfect by any means with DD now, he is better with her.

Bizarrely, when we were trying to conceive and busy working and looking after DD, things weren't as bad. His attitude took a turn for worse from about 6 weeks into this pregnancy and has steadily declined, possibly not helped by quite a difficult pregnancy.

I know I've done wrong by staying in and bringing children into a poor relationship.

Dozey_crow

Hi,

So sorry you are going through this it must be awful for you especially being pregnant as well.

I am going against the grain here and don't think you should be prioritizing discovering what may be 'wrong' with your husband for a couple of reasons.. He doesn't care enough to sort it out himself, reading this I will agree with your assessment that there is nothing wrong apart from lazyarseitis and maybe a mid life crisis.

Of course if you do leave and still love him you can try and help him find out what's wrong but at least you will be happier.

Having a small child and being pregnant actually bumps you to around the to of the waiting list in many local authorities. Even if there is no council housing they can help with a private rented place as you have money for a deposit and a job to go back to. But ideal I know but may be worth calling shelter or housing options and see if they can help.

I would do this soon and get away from this man asap. Before you go find copies of your joint bank statement showing money and find cups of his bank statements just in case you need then for divorce proceedings later down the line.

I am worried that things will get worse for you as it seems that he may becoming more controlling (moving money and controlling the car use).. Keep an eye on this and maybe have things discretely packed ready to go.

Take care

duchy

if the bills are in his name - don't pay those. Just pay the ones in your name to protect your credit rating. If he chooses to trash his -that is up to him.
If your pay, mat benefits are going into a joint account - change it to a sole account.
Change any pin numbers for your accounts that he knows.

Is there equity in the house ?

His parents sound really odd -If you said to them that as he has chosen not to support his children (their grandchildren) you don't have any desire to "try" and will divorce him what do you think they'd say ?

Incidentally he does NOT own the house. It is a marital asset and it may be that if he has decided he wants out he could be trying to manipulate the situation that he is unemployed and you are earning in an effort to increase his share of the house in a divorce financial settlement.

It sounds like a very stressful situation to be in especially when pregnant.
Would you be better using your savings whilst you still have them to secure a rental property and move out rather than wait until things escalate and you have to move out at no notice if it becomes intolerable. How much does your daughter notice his behaviour ?

It sounds like a horrible situation and it IS mental abuse. Women's Aid will be able to give you support and advice. Please don't wait until things get even worse.

duchy

avogadro wrote: »

I bet if he were to assume responsibility for a young child and a new-born, plus looking after the house, budgeting, cooking and cleaning, the novelty of being a 'house-husband' would soon wear off! Or does he have in mind sitting around at home while you do all the rest (work, housework, and so on). Either way I think this man needs a wake-up call!

The OP has already said he is aggressive to both her and the toddler.
I'm not sure I'd choose to leave any child with anyone who was already displaying poor control towards them. The OP notes that she currently doesn't leave the child with her father.

We only have one side of the story obviously - but at best this is a man trying to maniputate a relationship we wants out of and at worst a man with MH issues. Either way he doesn't sound stable enough to care for two children....or even one for that matter.

FBaby

How was he before all this happened? Was a caring husband and father, responsible at work and this was totally out of character? Or was he always a bit lazy, reluctant to work, always feeling under the weather etc...

I know that it is easy to dismiss a pain as fanthom when it is not obvious and only seems to appear when faced with adversity rather than fun, however, that doesn't mean that is not real....at least for him. Stress can do very strange things, causing pain that feels very real when it isn't present. I went through this 10 years ago, experienced very real symptoms that matched those of MS, to the point that after 3 visits, my GP finally agreed to refer me, although he didn't believe that's what it was. Similarly, the consultant didn't either, but it was serious enough to refer me for an MRI. The results as expected came back negative, and that day, I told myself I had to move on. Sure enough, all the symptoms disappeared. The reality is that I was massively stressed, but refusing to accept it as didn't want to deal with the consequences of it and psychologically, I couldn't bare to think that I couldn't cope with it.

Saying that, your husband might just be a lazy selfish monster who just managed to hide the worse of his personality until now.

Obviously in the second case, you need to boot it out. If the first case apply then, you might want to consider trying to help him so he can return to being the person you loved deeply and wanted to be married to and have children with.

BigAunty

Do you want to have couples counselling or have you made up your mind to end the relationship, or its unlikely your partner will agree?

His attitude that he's too ill to work or help around the house, nor afford household bills, while being well enough to go out socialising is very disturbing.

Fictional illness - very disturbing, too, also the way he forces you to accompany him to watch his 'performance'.

Doctors can and do sign people off for stress, depression and anxiety. You note that his job is very pressurised. Does he actually tell the GP about his mental health issues, do you think he doesn't suffer from any or is he so macho and self-conscious about the stigma of mental health, that he'd rather invent a fictional physical pain than admit that he can't cope with work?

As you know on this forum, we see lots of threads posted by women who suffer from what I describe as a 'man-child' syndrome. They don't actually want to contribute to household chores and expenses,they prioritise their social activities and personal expenses and can be quite controlling in order to get their female partners to serve them. They end up with the burden of having an adult partner who is as needy as a child.