Big decision, need your advice

HairyHandofDartmoor

It is a very individual decision but my feeling is that people without children are happily jogging along because they do not really know what they are missing. Children bring such incredible highs and equally incredible lows. Without my children my life would be on a more even keel but I would have missed out on such wonderful experiences. I am more confident and feel I can cope with anything since having my children. I am brave for them and have found emotional reserves that I never knew I had.

But that is my experience and everyone is different. If you don't know what you are missing then you don't miss it, so you can be happy!

abbecer

I was always adamant i didn't want children so much so that i asked my DH if he wanted to split up so that he could have children with someone else. We had been together 7 years and children had never come into the equation at all. One day i woke up feeling really broody and from then was all consumed by having a child. Our circumstances were less than ideal we had just moved and doubled our mortgage etc. Anyway we now have the two most fantastic sons you could ever wish for. I have been literally to hell and back with PND twice but i would not change them for the world. Life is very very different to what it was before but you appreciate the little things much more ie a soak in the bath in peace. Looking back i thought my life was great, one whirlwind of meals out, drinks in the pub etc. Only now i am a Mum do i realise how incomplete and lonely my life was. My boys are my everything and i am so pleased that i changed my mind otherwise i would have missed so much.

However i do have a great respect for people who genuinely do not want children and find it annoying that they are seen as a lesser person for it. Better to make the right choice for you than just have a child because you feel pressured.

You and your husband really need to talk in length about what would be right for you both and only then will you make the right decision.

Hugs

Rebecca x

catkins

Yorkshire-Lady wrote: »

People who don't have children don't know what they're missing in my opinion. Granted they can be very happy, but I think that children just enhance relationships.
I've been in bits today as one of the children I look after is leaving to go to 'big' school. (I'm a childminder)
I consider it such a privilidge to look after these precious souls. I have 3 fantastic children of my own and am looking forward to grandchildren - god willing.
With regard to childcare - you can get up to 70% of the fee's paid.
As someone has said, there's no right time to have a baby, nor are you ever rich enough, but children bring their own riches, trust me!

Sally

I do know what I am missing and, in my view, my life is much better without children. "Children enhance relationships"? Is that why the divorce rate is so high. Is that why so many of my friends who are divorced say that they believe the children caused most of the problems?

As alyth saysan awful lot of parents (particularly mothers) say if they could go back in time they would not have children. I have had this said to me more times than I can remember and it is said often on various forums. I have never said nor never will that if I could go back in time I would have children so who exactly is missing out?

Of course children can bring happiness but they sure as hell can bring a lot of misery. I see friends and acquaintances who have children who are taking drugs, in trouble with the police, lazy layabouts who don't want to work and I am thankful I don't have any. Of course not all children are like that but you just don't know how they will turn out do you? I have a very happy marriage and am very much in love after 28 years - to be honest I don't really know anyone with children that could say the same (most of them split up long ago)

Nicki

If you are genuinely happy being child-free, then to be honest I would leave it there, rather than talking yourself into trying to have a child because your friends have, or based on comments posted here.

I also have PCOS which I discovered in my late twenties when my OH and I wanted to start a family. It took 6 gruelling years of infertility treatment before we conceived, and the stress and trauma was indescribable. You are now 39, so even if you didn't have PCOS your fertility levels will be lower. On that basis it is very likely that you will have to have some form of intervention to get pregnant and possibly many cycles of IVF. This will be both expensive and very uncomfortable. The drugs which you will have to take will make you feel physically very unwell, you will be injecting yourself daily, seeing the doctor every few days, to say nothing of the emotional merry go round you will be on, and the worry of having to keep getting time away from work for the treatments (every few days in each month you are having the IVF) without letting your boss know what the time is needed for.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children very much and am thrilled I have them. However I knew before I started to try that I wanted them, and didn't know until I had been trying for a while that I had PCOS. This is not your situation, and if at this point you are ambivalent, I would make a conscious decision not to embark on this route (which has no guarantee of ultimate success) and save yourself the heartbreak and the expense. If you are worried about affording childcare, this is a mere drop in the ocean compared to the cost of infertility treatment - you could easily blow £20k+ in a year on IVF depending on how many, if any, free attempts the NHS will allow in your area and whether you can afford to wait if the waiting lists are long.

If you do decide though that your life will not be complete without a child, then I wish you every success in fulfilling your dream. I am not at all unsympathetic to your dilemma. Having experienced the reality of PCOS and infertility though I felt that a perspective from that side was worthwhile as many of the posters who have said that life without children is not worthwhile don't seem to have taken into account the added complications of your medical condition and the ramifications this will have on your physical and emotional health and your finances, and the grief you will feel if having undertaken all the treatments you are one of 66% for whom it doesn't work.

Savvy_Sue

1_step_closer wrote: »

My worries are these: (if i did get pregnant)

Would I make a good mum? My childhood wasn't really a childhood.

I'd say none of us always feel we are 'good' mums. Sometimes we're truly awful, but most of the time we are 'good enough' - ('good enough parenting' is a sort of tool for helping mums deal with their feelings of inadequacy in difficult situations) - and 'good enough' actually means we are the BEST mums in the world for our children, because no-one else will EVER be their real mum.

1_step_closer wrote: »

Would I be able to cope?

Most of us do, more or less, most of the time. None of us copes well ALL the time, if we're honest.

1_step_closer wrote: »

What if I raised a child who turned out to be a truly dreadful human being?

You'd still cope, somehow, but very few children do grow up to be truly dreadful human beings, unless they have had truly dreadfully abusive childhoods. Don't you think that despite your lack of childhood, you're a reasonable adult? Honestly, the odds are in your favour here ...

1_step_closer wrote: »

Would they have the same insecurities as I have?

Oh, almost certainly! :rotfl: If not the same ones as you have, then their own individual ones. Aren't we all a bit insecure about something?

1_step_closer wrote: »

and the most important one - money for childcare. It is horrendesly expensive and I am really not sure we could afford it.

If you wait until you can afford it, you'll never have them. Yes, quality childcare is expensive, but there are alternatives. And it doesn't cost as much to have a child as the Sunday supplements would have you believe, mainly because baby will not know if the buggy and highchair are new or secondhand ...

1_step_closer wrote: »

And that's another thing - is it selfish reasons me thinking about babies when through our own stupidity we are deep in debt? I've never been maternal or gooey over babies so why am I thinking about this now?

I don't know if it's selfish or not: I'd say it was inevitable. A friend you'd never expected to have a child is pregnant, so obviously you're going to think about it. Your biological clock has turned into a timebomb, obviously you're going to think about it. I was never going to have children when we married, then I changed my mind. I was only gooey over babies for a short period - I still love 'em, but I've never forgotten they turn into two year olds! :rotfl:

I haven't read the book the others are recommending, but I'd still recommend it. I'd hope you then either decide you're happy being childfree, or that you'll let nature take its course, and be happy either way, because it could get very difficult if you decide you really really MUST have a baby, and then that leads to fertility treatment, and that leads deeper into debt rather than out of it, and the fertility treatment doesn't work, and then where are you?

fishingcinema

take a moment to stop doubting yourself if you were to have children i can almost guarantee that

1:you would make a good mum regardless of your childhood infact if anything you would do everything in your power to give them what you did not have i had a v.bad childhood and vowed if i ever had kids theres would be different wich im sure you would too

2:yes you would be able to cope sometimes you think you can not cope then something takes over or something happens they smile or do something funny and thats when all the bad bits melt away

3:in my opinion no matter how you raise your child when they get older they make there own decisions you can only guide them and show them righ from wron and hope they choose right

4:about being maternal or gooey when i was pregnant with my first i was emagining the love at first sight all gooey ect ect wich is what we are all told happens WRONG when my daughter was born unfortunalty i just did nto feel this its not untill you are home and settled that you can have some realy quality time and fall in love with your child and as for the you will know what they want youll learn there crys mabey its just me but i never did with my 2 when they cried i just went through my checklist bottle,nappy,wind,sleep

its not all a bed of roses there are lots of hard times when you think why did i do this then as i said earlier its when they smile for the first time,laugh,say mum or dad start to walk,develope there own little character those are the times you sit back and say thats why motherhood is so demanding and so rewarding at the same time its crazy but worth it

as for affording children i dont know how we do it but you always find a way honest u do

let me just say that its your decision and you have to feel happy with it but whatever you choose i wish you all the love,luck and happieness

nat

kj*daisy

I have children and don't regret it - but it is hard. I have friends without children and they have much easier lives than me (and more money) and sometimes I envy that. They are also more self-centered - but that is human nature, you are the most important person in your life and your needs come first - until you have children. Then they take that place. But there's nothing wrong with retaining that self centered-ness and it doesn't make them lesser people, they just have different foccusses to me. Because with children you have no choice about things, no choice about who you put first.
I think there are logical reasons why you might be thinking now about whether you should have a baby -but it doesn't mean you should. Only you know the answer to that. And in response to the people with children who say "you don't know what you are missing" that's true - but if you don't know - then you can't miss it. and although there are wonderful things about having children, there are difficult parts too.
Good luck with your decision.

Curious_George_2

1_step_closer wrote: »

Would I make a good mum? My childhood wasn't really a childhood.

sorry, dont have time to read the rest of the thread right now but just had to answer this bit...

my childhood was awful, for many reasons... and to be honest ive blocked most of it out but, i actually think its made me a better mum, for instance...
nobody read with me - so i read all the time with my DD
nobody came to my school parents evening - so i go to every one
nobody bought my school class photos - i buy them all
nobody protected me from 'the wrong people' - i always know where my DD is and who with
nobody ever made a fuss over my birthday - so i probably go over the top for hers!
nobody took me anywhere special - we go for days out all the time, and when we cant afford anything we make a big deal of doing a nature hunt or collecting shells on the beach etc...

these are only little things, i grant you... but the list is endless (even right down to always ringing the little doorbell on her bedroom and waiting for her to respond before strolling in, it makes her feel that her room is private and important)
anything i remember my useless mother doing, i give it a think and then do almost the opposite and my girl couldnt be a happier little thing...:D

gravitytolls

You didn't have a childhood ~ so you'll want your child to have one.

Will you be a good mother? Of course, because you're already worrying about it, it's already started.

As for coping. It's tough, especially at first. Nerves, sleeplessness, hormonal downturns, etc. But we muddle through, and when that first smile happens .... I can't describe the euphoria.

What if you birthed a terrible human being? Well you're not one, and presumably DH isn't, or you wouldn't be posing this thread. Therefore it's unlikely.

What about your insecurities? Depends. If yours come from your grotty childhood, no, because your baby will have a wonderful childhood. He/she will have insecurities all their own. It's unavoidable, we all have them. So long as your child always has a loving home it won't matter, they'll cope.

As for the money, it may not be true to the spirit MSE, only having what you can afford, but I think this is different. Debts, they're carp, but it's only money, you're talking about life.

seashore321

I think everyone has their own reasons for wanting or not wanting children. I firmly believe that if you are meant to have them it will happen and the decision may well be taken out of your hands.
Don't dwell on the pros and cons make the decision, if I have them fine and if I don't fine. To much confusion could lead to an obsession.

Take a deep breath and wait and see!!

Good luck with whatever happens!