Big decision, need your advice

1_step_closer

Morning!

I have a huge decision to make and I need some advice. I have always been adamant that i don't want children and then i found out I have polycyctic ovaries. Which would seriously hamper my ability to get pregnant.
However most of my married friends are now either pregnant or have had babies and part of me is wondering if I am missing out. I am 38, 39 in sep so if we are going to try it will need to be soon. Hubby already has a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship and has said that although he would be delighted if I did get pregnant he would support whatever decision I made.

My worries are these: (if i did get pregnant)

Would I make a good mum? My childhood wasn't really a childhood.
Would I be able to cope?
What if I raised a child who turned out to be a truly dreadful human being?
Would they have the same insecurities as I have?

and the most important one - money for childcare. It is horrendesly expensive and I am really not sure we could afford it. Hubby says people manage when they have to but I need to work due to the level of debt we have. And that's another thing - is it selfish reasons me thinking about babies when through our own stupidity we are deep in debt? I've never been maternal or gooey over babies so why am I thinking about this now?

Any/all advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you xx

[Deleted User]

Take any form of `should` out of the picture. Then take a step back and do a list of pros and cons. Don`t let emotions get in the way, remember that women are programmed to breed

You need to be very objective as this is a life changing decision

Justie

there's never a perfect time to have a child and we all have the same worries about whether we'll be good parents, how we'll afford it etc etc. In reality you cope if it happens. Only you can answer the question of whether you'll regret it if you don't even try. Not everyone wants children and lots of couples are very content without them but then there are also people who go through most of their adult life thinking 'never' and then change their minds. It's a very human thing that when you're faced with something that clarifies the predicament (like being diagnosed with PCOS) you then reassess.

Be kind to yourself in whatever you decide.

1_step_closer

I never had a problem with this descision before - I found out the other day that one of my friends (whom I never dreamt would ever have children) is pregnant and that has triggered off all these questions.

catkins

You say at the beginning of your post you have always been "adamant" that you do not want children so why are you now thinking you might? Okay your friends are having babies but that is not a good reason for you to have one? As for "missing out" well I have no children, have been very happily married for 28 years and certainly do not think I have "missed out" on anything.

Most couples have children but then again look how high the divorce rate is. Children undeniably put a strain on a relationship. I am not anti children by any means but I just do not see that you need children to have a happy life, happy marriage etc etc. Often you get just the opposite

1_step_closer

Thanks Catkins - see my post above. One of my friends is pregnant and i thought she would be the last person to ever have children!

catkins

Oh right I see. I have just reread my post and I am sorry if it seems a bit rude. Am in a foul mood this morning. I have a thumping headache, OH has only been paid £400 (should have been at least £1,000) and we really need the money.

Anyway, of course the decision is yours it was just that I did wonder what prompted the change of heart. Just don't think you will necessarily be missing out if you do not have a baby

Treading_Water

I never thought I would make a good Mother - I had too many things to do and not enough time on my hands. I had my first dd at 34 and 2 more girls in the next 3 years. I would say its the best thing I ever did.
You adjust and adapt your life as you go along - with all things its new and you deal with each new change as you need too.
The biggest thing for me was the complete change in attitude - I think not having children can make you a very hard, selfish, self centered person. It incredible how having these helpless beings to look after -who are totally dependent on you - can change your outlook on life. I look at some of my childless friends now and there concerns are totally different to mine - and generally irrelevent to anybody but them!
Only you can decide what you want to do - but don't put it off simply because you won't cope - you will! And even the fact that you are considering the many issues will make you a better Mother than many. :rotfl:

singlemindedly

I'm in a very similar situation in that I also have polycystic ovaries and no intentions to have children (mind you, I'm only 26). I don't think you should let your own childhood and worries about being a good mum get in the way - that's something you can work on, if the child is wanted and you truly want to provide the best for it then you will do what's necessary to become a good mum even if it's not natural to you.

I think what the first person who replied said was very true - that women are programmed a certain way and you're at the age where soon you won't be able to make the choice any more. Up until now, not having children has been a choice for you; in a few years, whether you want children or not you will not be able to have them. That may well have something to do with your thoughts now.

Keeping that in mind, you are obviously aware of just how much a child would alter your life. It takes over completely. Your life as you know it will no longer exist, and for the first few years at least you will be utterly and entirely engaged in providing for this new life. Sure, children have their own rewards but you must be aware that in the first years, all they do is take, take, take (and you have to get your own emotional rewards from making THEM happy). That's a shift. You'll have to learn to derive happiness from making your child happy, not yourself.

If you're prepared for these things, I wouldn't worry about the money. Children can be very expensive but they don't have to be. It all depends on the choices you make - kids really couldn't care less if they are wearing designer clothes or rags, they just want to know if they can play in the mud with them. ;-)

Just a few thoughts on my part, that's all.
Susanne

pnq06

hmm It is a very hard one to answer....

But I kind of know how you feel as I too was told that I have pcos.
(I was devastated to be told that at only 26 years of age I would need ivf to conceive). I hadn't thought of having anymore children after I had my first one but I suddenly felt that my mind had been made up for me.

Mine was diagnosed last year and this year I was due to have laser surgery but to my surprise in a routine urine test dr's found out that I was pregnant :eek:

It wasn't perfect timing as we are also in debt but I don't think you can ever really be ready for a baby. As long as your sensible about spending i.e the car bottle warmer that takes 15 mins to warm up may seem like a good idea but its not an essential and will probably quite get on your nerves :rotfl:

And you do receive extra income such as child benefit, child tax credit, working tax credit and in some cases the sure start maternity grant which is currently £500 and I have read somewhere that it will go up to £750 next april. Ooops i almost forgot that you can also get help towards child care costs.

I think that learning from your own childhood will make you a good mum. As Jeremy Kyle would say- nobody wrote a book and every parent makes mistakes!!!! And you know what- its true

Good luck with whatever you decide- I know that I am now really looking forward to being a mummy again instead of just a mum

xx

1_step_closer

Catkins I didn't see your post as rude at all! Hope your headache goes soon, tension headaches are the worst.

All - thank you so much for your replies! I will have a proper read and think about them later. I am at work at the mo and have successfully accomplished zilch since 8am! So I'd better do some work.

Thank again, any more advice would be great - more for me to think about and work with.

xx