Big decision, need your advice

Softstuff

I'd suggest you grab a copy of the book "Childfree and loving it", by Nicky Defago. It's a great read and not just from the point of view of not having kids, it examines why people have children, their motivations and whether or not they really should do it.

Personally I've made the decision to be childfree, and in the end that's what it is, a personal decision. Don't feel pressured into motherhood with people saying "it's what women were meant for" or "you'll be missing out", since there are many other things to do in life, and having children is a pretty exclusive and all consuming one.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Witsend_2

I always knew that I wanted children and my life has certainly been enriched with the two that I have, I feel truly blessed. With children you certainly get back what you put in all the time money and effort is beginning to show now for me as I watch them grow into capable young adults. I would say that the early years are very demanding you really are on call 24/7 you have to put them first always no matter what. Don't have a baby just because you don't have one, I have friends that have chosen not to have children and their lives are complete just the same. Also don't let your childhood make you think that you might not be up to it, if you become a mum it will change you the feelings you have for your child are like nothing else experienced before and I'm sure you will feel the same.
I hope that you come to a decission soon as you must be unsettled at this time, just remember there is no wrong answer whatever you decide is right.
Good luck x

Js_Other_Half

I'm another person who always wanted children - but I had to meet the right person and get a bit of help with it first...;)

I do believe people have an absolute right to do what is best for them, but a marriage has two people in it, and it sounds as if he would like children with you.
It is a huge lifechanging event - I've had friends who got pregnant on the second month of trying, after being together for 15 years - they were a bit taken aback, but they are brilliant parents. It was more of a case of trying for a child, just in case they regretted it when they were older and greyer...:p

Yes, childcare is a huge expense, but it doesn't last for forever. There are a lot of people who get help with childcare costs, but I've been told that the tax credit people when looking at income do not look at outgoings - such as mortgage, debt repayments and CSA. Therefore someone on a quite a good wage, but who has all of those outgoings will not necessarily get any financial help.

Only the pair of you can decide what to do- try http://www.entitledto.com/ to play with some figures.

alyth

I've always known I didn't want children, and am exactly 2 years younger than you. I think you're decision is being questioned by the fact that the decision to have children may be taken out of your hands due your your diagnosis, and the fact that your friends are having children, which shifts your relationship with your friends - they will be focusing on children so the conversation will change when you see them.

I belong to a few child-free groups and forums, and the one thing that does crop up time and time again is the fact that if some people had known what having children had involved, they would not have had them - and people with children do post this on the boards. Children fundamentally change your relationship with your partner, as you have another party in your relationship. One thing I read on a board was that if you are questioning your decision to remain child-free, then imagine living your life, but with a baby in tow - that means meeting friends for dinner or drinks, having a shower, getting ready for work in the morning, chilling at the weekends. If you can imagine doing all those things with a baby alongside you, then having children isn't an issue for you. Are you happy to lose your identity and be known as someone's mother for the rest of your life, rather than an individual in your own right. I'm not criticising those that are parents, but my mother said that when we left home it was great not to be known as just "alyth's mother" when she was walked into a shop"!

With regards to paying for children, only you can decide whether you can afford kids, however it starts with nursery fees, continues with school fees and then finishes at university fees!!!

You could always become a fantastic aunt to your friends' chidren, you get the joy of having them (I'm told kids are fun anyway!) and then hand them back!

Yorkshire-Lady_3

People who don't have children don't know what they're missing in my opinion. Granted they can be very happy, but I think that children just enhance relationships.
I've been in bits today as one of the children I look after is leaving to go to 'big' school. (I'm a childminder)
I consider it such a privilidge to look after these precious souls. I have 3 fantastic children of my own and am looking forward to grandchildren - god willing.
With regard to childcare - you can get up to 70% of the fee's paid.
As someone has said, there's no right time to have a baby, nor are you ever rich enough, but children bring their own riches, trust me!

Sally

Yorkshire-Lady_3

QUOTE 'Are you happy to lose your identity and be known as someone's mother for the rest of your life, rather than an individual in your own right.'

What a load of tosh!! You can tell this was written by someone who doesn't have children!

Justie

alyth wrote: »

imagine living your life, but with a baby in tow - that means meeting friends for dinner or drinks, having a shower, getting ready for work in the morning, chilling at the weekends. If you can imagine doing all those things with a baby alongside you, then having children isn't an issue for you. Are you happy to lose your identity and be known as someone's mother for the rest of your life, rather than an individual in your own right. I'm not criticising those that are parents, but my mother said that when we left home it was great not to be known as just "alyth's mother" when she was walked into a shop"!

I can't imagine any of that and I'm 35 weeks pregnant :rotfl:


children are a big commitment and there are plenty of pluses and minuses to both having children and being child free

LookAfterThePennies_4

I was just about to recommend "Childfree and Loving It" by Nicki Defago too.
Like you, I'd always been adamant that I didn't want children and this book just reaffirmed it for me. Best wishes with whatever decision you make, oh and if you do decide to remain child-free don't let anyone call you "selfish" or "self - centred" just because you have made a different life choice from them!!!

1_step_closer

Thank you all so much for your advice. The one suggestion of being a great auntie is a good one - I do have a nephew although I don't see that much of him and I do have godchildren. So there is some child contact - as well as the new babies amongst our friends!

I will still have a good think about things though, after all it is not a light decision to make as it's another life you are bringing into the world and you are responsible for shaping and nuturing that life. I did a check on "entitled to" and don't think we would receive much help so things would be very very tight...........................if only I was 10 years younger!

I think as well there is a touch of the green eyed monster lurking and I hope I am sensible enough to make the right decision.

Thanks again,

xxx

positivelypurple

You've been given some really good advice and I just wanted say again that there is no 'right time' to have children. Give yourself a break, think about it some more and then decide. And your OH is right, people get by, however they have to do it, they do.

I must dash and stop the baby from pulling down the curtains!!!