Looking for debt advice

lolls89

Sorry I keep posting but I don't know any where else where people may understand the situation.

Things are getting no better.
We've bought shopping and paid one bill of £40 and we only have £67 left this week. So another week of bills missed.
My partner has started to drink and gamble and has said the 'It's not going to stop him doing what he wants' so I can't see us getting out of the situation any time soon.

The cars back.

I feel absolutely useless in all of this as I only have £80 every 4 weeks. I'm doing surveys but £2 here and there isn't going to get us out of this situation.

My partner has also asked me to save £1k for Christmas but that is absolutely impossible!

I really don't know how we are going to get out of this situation.

FireWyrm

lolls89 wrote: »

We've bought shopping and paid one bill of £40 and we only have £67 left this week. So another week of bills missed.
My partner has started to drink and gamble and has said the 'It's not going to stop him doing what he wants' so I can't see us getting out of the situation any time soon.

Ask him if it will stop him when he is starving and you have no money to buy food. I'm sorry, but this sort of selfish, immature behaviour needs to be stamped on...decisively. If he wants to eat, he stops drinking and gambling, otherwise, get out. You dont need this sort of !!!! in the mix.

lolls89 wrote: »

My partner has also asked me to save £1k for Christmas but that is absolutely impossible!

Tell him so and ask him where he thinks the money is coming from.

lolls89 wrote: »

I really don't know how we are going to get out of this situation.

My first thought would be a cold hard look at how well this partnership is actually working for you. At the end of the day, you cant have one disloyal pathetic excuse for an adult throwing monkeys in the wrench every day.

lolls89

FireWyrm wrote: »

Ask him if it will stop him when he is starving and you have no money to buy food. I'm sorry, but this sort of selfish, immature behaviour needs to be stamped on...decisively. If he wants to eat, he stops drinking and gambling, otherwise, get out. You dont need this sort of !!!! in the mix.


The thing is that he'll never starve, he has too many people who have no problem with lending him money so he never goes without. (which obviously puts us into a worse position) So to him that's not a real situation and would never happen to him.

Tell him so and ask him where he thinks the money is coming from.

I've told him, and he told me to just try my best to do it.

My first thought would be a cold hard look at how well this partnership is actually working for you. At the end of the day, you cant have one disloyal pathetic excuse for an adult throwing monkeys in the wrench every day.

I totally understand where your coming from with the last part, but at the minute I'm hoping that all of this is him just sticking his head in the sand and sort of blocking it all out.

Flutterby83

I've just had a read through this thread and it sounds like you're on the right track
My debt is my own, I have no one to blame but myself for it, but I am lucky enough that my partner is supportive on my debt free journey and has made sacrifices of his own to help me. There have been times where he's had a tantrum (think two year old style and he's in his 30's lol!) because I've said no but he's seen it will be worth it in the end. I have control of our finances now as he knows I do a good job with the budgeting and am so determined to pay our debts off, is there any chance you could do this? Gambling and drinking is only going to make the situation worse - you say he has plenty of people who are willing to lend him money, is there any way you can speak to them and ask them politely to stop so he has to face up to the reality of the situation?
Touching on the hydrotherapy, my son has a severe disability and was referred by his physio to an 8 week session of hydro at a local hospital that was provided on the nhs, he had been in serial casts previously and the hydro was timed to work with this, I have to say it was brilliant! I know it varies from area to area but if you can get access to it, definitely do use it.

FireWyrm

The thing is that he'll never starve, he has too many people who have no problem with lending him money so he never goes without. (which obviously puts us into a worse position) So to him that's not a real situation and would never happen to him.

Really. Do they also cook for him too? If he cannot pull his own weight, then the answer is simple. You make it as uncomfortable as possible until he DOES understand. No food, no cooking, no washing, no doing anything for him. His disloyalty is beyond comprehension in a healthy relationship.

lolls89 wrote: »

I totally understand where your coming from with the last part, but at the minute I'm hoping that all of this is him just sticking his head in the sand and sort of blocking it all out.

Then what advice are you looking for exactly? No one can make him do anything without actually imposing some sort of sanctions. Personally, I would take control of the money, tell him he's a small and pathetic excuse for a human and you will not be dragged down by his incompetence at life. I'd lock him out of the accounts and out of the money until he does understand what an utter pillock he is.

I was once told that my great-grandmother used to tour the brothels and pubs every friday evening in an attempt to get the wage packet off her husband before he drank it all leaving her and the 12 children destitute and hungry. I'm told that if he wouldnt give it up willingly, she would slug him one and take it from him. I'm not suggesting this is what you do (not physically, anyway) but really, in the 21st century, I rather thought we had moved on from women being subservient and deferential to useless males in their lives.

Flutterby83

Just another quick thought too, they offered my son some aids to help him around the house (he's only 11 but the occupational therapist said his disability shouldn't stop him helping me with chores!!) an occupational therapist would be able to provide you with details of what could help you with peeling/chopping etc but you would need a consultant or doctor to refer you to them so a gp visit might help if you've not got a consultant appointment coming up soon.

Flutterby83

FireWyrm wrote: »

I was once told that my great-grandmother used to tour the brothels and pubs every friday evening in an attempt to get the wage packet off her husband before he drank it all leaving her and the 12 children destitute and hungry. I'm told that if he wouldnt give it up willingly, she would slug him one and take it from him.

I like this lady very much!

FireWyrm

Flutterby83 wrote: »

I like this lady very much!

From what I can gather from the records and stories, she was a little Jewish lady no more than 4.5ft and her husband was over 6ft. She apparently refused to suffer her husbands' behaviour and did something about it. She may have been permanently tied to him by marriage, as was the way in those days, but she certainly was never subservient - or so I am told.

lolls89

Flutterby83 wrote: »

I've just had a read through this thread and it sounds like you're on the right track
My debt is my own, I have no one to blame but myself for it, but I am lucky enough that my partner is supportive on my debt free journey and has made sacrifices of his own to help me. There have been times where he's had a tantrum (think two year old style and he's in his 30's lol!) because I've said no but he's seen it will be worth it in the end. I have control of our finances now as he knows I do a good job with the budgeting and am so determined to pay our debts off, is there any chance you could do this? Gambling and drinking is only going to make the situation worse - you say he has plenty of people who are willing to lend him money, is there any way you can speak to them and ask them politely to stop so he has to face up to the reality of the situation?
Touching on the hydrotherapy, my son has a severe disability and was referred by his physio to an 8 week session of hydro at a local hospital that was provided on the nhs, he had been in serial casts previously and the hydro was timed to work with this, I have to say it was brilliant! I know it varies from area to area but if you can get access to it, definitely do use it.

Flutterby83 wrote: »

Just another quick thought too, they offered my son some aids to help him around the house (he's only 11 but the occupational therapist said his disability shouldn't stop him helping me with chores!!) an occupational therapist would be able to provide you with details of what could help you with peeling/chopping etc but you would need a consultant or doctor to refer you to them so a gp visit might help if you've not got a consultant appointment coming up soon.

I've had control of the money before, and we managed to keep our heads above water but as your partner did, he had massive tantrums, so we decided to try and do it together which quite obviously isn't working so I think we should probably go back to me doing it.

I don't really know a lot of the lads who lend to him, and the ones I do know are idiots and would still lend him money.


I had my last physio session last week until I have my next operation, but I am definitely going to inquire about these things, and at least I know about them know so can ask about them immediately after my operation instead of 6 months down the line. Thank you

lolls89

FireWyrm wrote: »

Really. Do they also cook for him too? If he cannot pull his own weight, then the answer is simple. You make it as uncomfortable as possible until he DOES understand. No food, no cooking, no washing, no doing anything for him. His disloyalty is beyond comprehension in a healthy relationship.

I know it sounds stupid but I've never thought about not doing things for him, great idea!

Then what advice are you looking for exactly? No one can make him do anything without actually imposing some sort of sanctions. Personally, I would take control of the money, tell him he's a small and pathetic excuse for a human and you will not be dragged down by his incompetence at life. I'd lock him out of the accounts and out of the money until he does understand what an utter pillock he is.

I think that's going to be the best thing to do and just let him have his tantrums.
If I put all the wages into my account and them give him an allowance every week, and with that money he can do whatever he likes but if he borrows of friends he pays them back out of that money as well? Do you think that sounds fair?

I don't know what sort of advice I was looking for but I really do appreciate all of the replies, ideas, advice and support. Thank you.

I was once told that my great-grandmother used to tour the brothels and pubs every friday evening in an attempt to get the wage packet off her husband before he drank it all leaving her and the 12 children destitute and hungry. I'm told that if he wouldnt give it up willingly, she would slug him one and take it from him. I'm not suggesting this is what you do (not physically, anyway) but really, in the 21st century, I rather thought we had moved on from women being subservient and deferential to useless males in their lives.

Good on her! :T