out of control 12 yr old - help

z.n

I would get onto the school to double-check there are no problems with schoolwork. I would also ask them about counselling-cutting is definitely not normal behaviour.

Aggressive behaviour to a parent is also not normal (I include swearing in that if you do not swear at him)-IME flash in the pan stomping off upstairs in a sulk or frustrated shouting with tears is usual but not everyday. Anything more would indicate a problem that needs adult help.

Certainly, I would restrict internet access- probably after say 8.30pm and also make sure age restrictions were in place on everything. This would be fixed and permanent, with time extension in holidays. I would also remove the smartphone and replace it with something non-3g. Tablet would be wifi only and would not leave the house. If it did, it also would be confiscated. Why make it easy for him to see unsuitable material at such a crucial and formative age. I would also remove any over-age games to reinforce the message he is not yet adult- the fact that everyone else has them is irrelevant-let him persuade you through rational argument that he is mature enough to play them-all communication is good. Relaxation of the rules would be dependent on age and attitude-especially tricky are any overage games he has that he plays online with friends. If you are happy with the friends then be flexible-if not then ban. X box or similar would be used where I could vaguely monitor (happy laughing/whispered swearing all ok.)

He is only 12 so if he cannot stick to an agreed curfew and advise on his whereabouts then he does not go out no matter how much he kicks and screams. See how things go and if he can behave then let him out again. This might show that the problem is actually with the people he mixes with outside the home. Do you know exactly who they are and who their parents are- if not then perhaps your son should invite his friends round to your house so you can get to know them. I would also subtly try to check the existence of parental controls on internet at their homes. (Yes, I am that parent-but my DS knows it is for his benefit.)

I might also test and give him a £5 note to carry as emergency money and then see if he still had it at the end of the week (bullying.)

In other words I would do my best to work out if I had an unhappy /bored/frightened/obnoxious child and work from there. Get your parents on board for a bit of detective work. More time spent with you doing something interesting would be good. If hormonal then exercise is the best thing ever- far better than 'hanging around' with mates comparing smartphones.

FWIW I think the problem is going to be a mixture of not having his mum on the scene and inappropriate friends.

quidsy

I don't work ont he "take it away" parenting style. I use the "they earn it" style. My son isn't allowed to play with any devices unless he shows consistant good behavior both at home & at school. That includes manners, housekeeping & homework.

He only gets it at certain times a week after I know he has maintained the rules.

He will occasionally not have earned his time due to some nonsense he has been up to but he knows he isn't having the privilege taken away, only that he hasn't earned the privileged.

A small adjustment but it made a huge difference in how he approached his behavior.

The wrist cutting though would be a major concern for me, have you spoken to his school? I would make them aware & ask them to keep a discreet eye on him & to watch out for abuse or bullying.

valk_scot

I found the ideal time to talk to my teenage son was when we were driving somewhere, I'd only agree to give him the desired lift if he promised not to look at his phone. So we'd have 20 minutes or whatever for me to ask leading questions like "How was your week? Anything interesting happen?" It was amazing how chatty he would get when he was bored.


The other thing I did was if he came to find me, on whatever pretext, I would make a point of paying attention. Teenage sons standing around in the kitchen watching you peel potatoes while snarling "Life is so unfair and you are so mean" is a clear plea for attention imho and no matter how busy/tired/stressed you are you have to grab the opportunity to let him open up with both hands. After all I'm/you're the adult, we're supposed to be the ones that have the maturity to force ourselves to take part in this sort of discussion even when we don't want to.


I think he needs to talk to you about his problems, whatever they are. And it can't be dependent on him toeing whatever line you're laying down, these two things have to be kept separate. He HAS to be able to talk to you even when being punished for something else and this means while you must be firm of course over matters of discipline you can't ever allow yourself to get so angry he shuts off from you totally.


Incidentally the final line on any discipline should come from you, not your mum. have you discussed this with her?

pinkshoes

You need to sit down, talk, discuss life, and work out some boundaries that you can BOTH agree to, and what the consequences will be if he breaks the rules.

I would also contact the school and report this change in behaviour, and ask them to keep an eye on him should his behaviour be deteriorating in school too.

mutley74

CH27 wrote: »

That would be my son's idea of hell :rotfl:

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agree but if we are moving to an empty shell...he can get to decide his own furniture, style etc or I can do it for him. Plus said he can be in charge of trying to make up his own things if it is a flatpack, and learn how to use a hand tools etc


going to speak to the school tomorrow - if I do will they involve SS? or speak to him? don't want to rustle his feathers so he gets more disturbed against me

pollypenny

The school are not likely to involve SS, unless you ask them. Just try to find out if they have noticed any change in his behaviour, is there any thing likely to be bothering him in addition to the move.

It's worth telling group tutor and HOY about the proposed move and that he is unsettled, so ,that they may offer some support. It might be a case that he wants to offload worries, even using a trusted teacher as a sounding board.

Good luck.

Spendless

We found our 14yo son chatted to us more on holiday whilst waiting in the queues at theme parks.

As it's his birthday soon and you don't want to get him another gadget, what about going for an experience, so you can get him opening up to you whilst participating.

I agree some of it sounds like normal teenage stuff and some of it's deeper.

I think involving school is a good idea. Have you also tried googling teenage counselling services in your area? There is one near me my friend has used for her son and it's open in the evening. Look to see if there's something similar.

mutley74

pollypenny wrote: »

The school are not likely to involve SS, unless you ask them. Just try to find out if they have noticed any change in his behaviour, is there any thing likely to be bothering him in addition to the move.

It's worth telling group tutor and HOY about the proposed move and that he is unsettled, so ,that they may offer some support. It might be a case that he wants to offload worries, even using a trusted teacher as a sounding board.

Good luck.

been in touch with the school, the head of year 8 has contacted the school nurse/health adviser. She called me to discuss the approach (they are familiar with such issues) and she is going to speak to him to see how he is.
But coincidentally my son was more relaxed yesterday. I have not given him his gadgets back as he 1) still shouts a bit 2) not apologised for his swearing out burst last week 3)and not really asked!