out of control 12 yr old - help

kxc798

Good Evening,

First of all I wanted to say that as a single parent I appreciate how hard it is to be the disciplinarian and the friend all in one package. Well done for asking for advice as you can clearly see how it is escalating out of control.

As a teacher and tutor of this age group I am going to say something that will be incredibly hard to implement but is worth it, I promise you. Get rid of his smartphone and buy one without Internet access and preferably no camera either. Get rid of the tablet and all other games devices too. Have one computer that is used by the both of you in a communal room. Put a parental control on the computer that bans Facebook, et cetera. How confident are you about what he is watching or who he is talking to? Could these interactions be influencing his behaviour? Putting these measures in will enable you to control these interactions as much as is possible and hopefully eliminate anything age inappropriate.

What does he do between finishing school and you coming home? Is he left to his own devices or does he attend any supervised clubs? Again ensuring supervision would be a great measure in reducing the chances of him socialising or mixing with inappropriate age groups either physically or online. Please consider suspending your gym membership for a few months and do a fitness activity with your son instead - supervision, aerobic activity and bonding rolled into one.

Last thing, please notify the school. Wrist cutting is not normal behaviour for a teenager despite what the media portrays and they will be able to suggest referrals to doctors/counsellors for you. They might even have a counsellor on site too. But if you need to take time off work for counselling do it. Putting a mortgage on the back burner for a few months in order to ensure that your son grows up to be a confident and respectful young man who you can be proud of is worth the sacrifice.

It won't be easy; it will be absolute hell and it is very easy for me to write this advice here and then go off to bed without worrying about the consequences. But this, together with professional help will be worth it I promise you. I wish you every success and please PM if you have any questions.

Good Luck.

mum2one

I def agree with speaking to the school, start with the form tutor, as there the 1st point of call and also the head of yr, also ask if they have pastoral support, from there they can assess the situation and if necessary refer to outside agencies, and also give your son assistance in school, whether that me a "time out card", which would be a card he could show to the teacher, and wouldn't need to go through the sage and have 5 mins to get himself back together.

Another coping mechanism may be he spends some time in lunch hr doing homework or has someone to talk to.

The cutting is a cry for help, so it may be that you need to backtrack and see what happened at that time.

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Homeownertobe

So your son's cut his wrists, is clearly in need of counselling and help and you can't take time off from work for 'such things'?

I think it's obvious where this poor boy's issues stem from.

FBaby

This week I have confiscated his tablet and games controllers - 2nd time i am doing it this month.

It is important to be strict and you are doing the right thing but it needs to be balanced with you also doing things to make him feel good about himself.

tried asking him if he wants to go out for a walk together or coffee I will listen to anything he has to stay - no interest from him

No offense, but very few teenagers would take up this offer with excitment!! A walk? Them talking? You need to offer to do things that he will like, and let the talking come naturally as you ask him question in a gentle manner. Show some interest in his life, even if what he talks about are things that you have no interests in at all.

Also, sometimes don't give him the choice to join you, just tell him to do so. My kids rarely take on my offer to come with me somewhere, but if I insist, after an initial phase of moaning, they open up once they realise that it is actually not that unpleasant, and it is during these time that we talk the most and they will be most likely to open up about any issues they face.

mutley74

Thanks to everyone for taking time to reply and read my message.
Yes a lot of conflict in parenting style in where i am living now. I will say one thing; my mum will tell him something else and so on.......thus one big reason to move out sooner than later (2 years was sufficient). Except his grandma has acted as his "mother" role for most of his life; his actual "mum" left him along when very young.

He has many friends in the area; some of the kids i know and good kids when they were in primary school.

With regards to keeping busy with homework, in senior school he hardly gets more than 30mins homework per week (disgraceful IMHO). Its his birthday in 4 weeks time and i have no idea what to get him; as he now has expensive tastes (such as ps4 etc), last year he got over £50 in presents and money and he tells that was a joke!

I confiscated his phone yesterday (he only gets it if he has an after school commitment). When on the tablet he usually uses instagram (all his friends are on there) and you tube videos. He sends lots of texts out; but i told him off when i saw him having rude messages with a girl in his class.

When i meant go for a walk with him; we made a NT pass on his request as he likes walking and the outdoors; so it was an ideal thing to spend time together doing this rather than cinema or shopping.

CH27

mutley74 wrote: »

tried doing things together, asked him to visit Ikea with me at the weekend for furniture for new house etc....he came along but we hardly spoke. All except his friends all get ps4 or Xbox for birthdays and I don't spent enough (min £300 for his birthday!!)


I do switch net off and tried changing passwords but its a communal house (for now) and did not really work well.
When he it out at the weekends he will leave from 11am and tell me he will be back at 7pm. he refuses to enable his tracker on his phone - had endless discussions with him about this but he still refuses. Then when I ask him to come back say for 5pm to help with tea and get school stuff ready he starts rebelling.
tried asking him if he wants to go out for a walk together or coffee I will listen to anything he has to stay - no interest from him

That would be my son's idea of hell :rotfl:

Have you tried doing something like raft building or go ape? Something that will use energy & make you talk to each about neutral things?

IMO you have to be very firm & consistent with your rules. If you keep caving in then he will keep pushing the boundaries as he knows there are no firm consequences.

balletshoes

FBaby wrote: »

It is important to be strict and you are doing the right thing but it needs to be balanced with you also doing things to make him feel good about himself.



No offense, but very few teenagers would take up this offer with excitment!! A walk? Them talking? You need to offer to do things that he will like, and let the talking come naturally as you ask him question in a gentle manner. Show some interest in his life, even if what he talks about are things that you have no interests in at all.

Also, sometimes don't give him the choice to join you, just tell him to do so. My kids rarely take on my offer to come with me somewhere, but if I insist, after an initial phase of moaning, they open up once they realise that it is actually not that unpleasant, and it is during these time that we talk the most and they will be most likely to open up about any issues they face.

I 100% agree with this.

*Robin*

The cutting is worrying. Not 'normal' teen angst. This child is very frustrated.

Didn't read all your other thread Mutley, but it's clear you need to give your son a lot more quality time, doing something regularly which you can both get genuinely enthusiastic about.

Off-road biking (build the bike first!)? Martial arts? Hill-walking / climbing / camping? Canoeing? Music? Even cooking perhaps?
..All examples from my own family (four boys, youngest now 21).

Think you've mentioned you have NT membership, Mutley? Well, how about visiting as many castles as possible, going away overnight or for weekends to more distant destinations (not many teen boys can resist the lure of a castle, lol).

What did you do with your own father when you were growing up? ..Could be a good opportunity for three-generational bonding while you're still living with your parents.

I feel for your Mum; being both Granny and Mum to your son - worth an in-depth chat with her to ensure you both use the same guidelines / rules when dealing with the youngest member of the household.

Maybe your son is being bullied, or feels hard-pressed because his Mum isn't really in his life? Perhaps he's starting to wonder about his sexuality, or is overwhelmed by the concept of mortality?
..It could be almost anything that has frustrated your son to the point where he has harmed himself. Don't underestimate the effect of burgeoning hormones on young, developing brains!

If you want him to confide in you, you're going to have to convince the poor lad that he is a darn sight more important to you than a new house, your work etc.

pollypenny

Oh, dear, poor boy and poor you, OP.

Cutting wrists is definitely not normal teenage behaviour. You need to get to the bottom of this urgently.

Is he worried about leaving his home with his grandparents? I take it that there is no change of schools involved. However, he is in early years so investigate whether there are any issues at school. His group tutor and HOY would be a good starting point.

Could one of his grandparents get to the bottom of his worries?

Finally, do you swear readily? If so ..........

FBaby

Sorry, I might have missed it, but you mention moving. How far away? Does it involve a change of school?

What is difficult is that basing it on my kids and their friends, some of your boy's behaviours seem typical of kids his age, whilst others aren't so it is difficult to get a grasp of whether he is facing issues, being a tyypical teenager, or actually acting like a brat.

I know that I am more and more in conflict with my DS who will be 12 soon. He makes it seem that everything I ask for is unreasonable and unfair and certainly let me know so. However, when we have been able to have grown-up conversations, he has said a few times that I am a good mum and am fair, and that if he gets told off, it really is because he deserves it. He just doesn't agree with his own judgement when I tell him off!