out of control 12 yr old - help

mutley74

Im a single dad for quite a few years with a 12yr old boy.


need help as my 12yr old since the start of the year is getting out of control.
-always want to stay on his tablet/phone or ps3
-at weekends does not stick to times when out, says he will be back 4pm but ends up coming 7pm
-now starts swearing openly "shut-up" "f**** you" and "t**t" are common words he now started using directly at me.
-does not help with any household chores (he used help and get pocket money bonus, but not now)
-shouts rudely if he does not get his own way.
-he tried cutting his wrists - I showed these to the GP - but GP said he cant do anything unless child asks GP for help - WHAT I ASK!?


He never used to be like this up to the age of 11. he was my cute son and always used to like sleeping in dad's bed or bedtime hugs. I do realize teenage years are kicking in but did not expect him to be so rude openly with me.
At the weekend he had massive rows and tantrums, really swearing at me and his grandparents. I thus confiscated his ps3 and tablet.


Any help/advice appreciated. I cant take him to counselling as I work full time and cannot afford to take time off for such things. I am worried as we are moving into our own place soon, as past 2 years been living with grandparents to help with saving etc. he does not really eat that many sweets or processed foods in case this is caused by food additives.
Any help/advice appreciated.

meritaten

okayyyyyy - I feel your pain! I brought up 3 children who went through the teens like typical teens. Stroppy, unhygienic, given to swearing like sailors.....................
First pick your battles - decide which behaviours you want to eradicate (or lessen) and which you feel you can safely ignore.
If there is a house rule about swearing then this becomes serious, but you can put a 'swear-box' in the room - but if you swear yourself...........then he is copying you and if you make an issue of it - you then become the hypocrite. (in his mind).

coming home late - no excuse for that in these days of mobile phones. BUT, have you considered actually extending the curfew? 4pm does sound rather early. Explain that if you expect him home at a certain time and he doesn't turn up, then in your mind he is 'missing' and you get angry because you are worried. work out a 'reasonable time' you are both happy with. make it a firm rule that if he is going to be late - he MUST text or phone you.
oh, and the 'disappearing to the bedroom for hours on end' is quite normal! by teen 3 I actually used to enjoy the peace and quiet!
Hope I have helped! Good Luck and btw mine are all grown up with families of their own now - and turning into me!

kazwookie

Turn the internet off at the wall, after a set time, if it is causing problems

FBaby

The cutting the wrists is quite extreme and beyond normal bad teenage behaviour. As it seems it has all happened suddenly, this behaviour could very well be the result of something seriously troubling your son. You need to find a way for him to open up to you. Do it too abruptly and he will retreat into himself, so it will take some time. At the same time, if it is a case of bad behaviour, you need to be firm and quickly.

Maybe looking at setting up stricter rules and sticking up to them, but also insisting on doing more things together, even if he insists he doesn't want to. Teenagers often believe they don't want to spend time with their parents, but they then really value the time and it is then they are more likely to open up about any issues.

TheSaint_2

As fbaby says this seems extreme, it may be an indicator of some abuse or bullying which is causing psychological damage. You should try to talk to your son about it, if you have that kind of relationship. If not, you should seek some help, try the school, they should have a counsellor.
As for the bad behaviour, I think you are taking the right approach, you should come down very hard on it in order to nip it in the bud otherwise it will only get worse as he gets older.

Bennifred

How does your son feel about moving out of his current home to a new one away from his grandparents?

mutley74

tried doing things together, asked him to visit Ikea with me at the weekend for furniture for new house etc....he came along but we hardly spoke. All except his friends all get ps4 or Xbox for birthdays and I don't spent enough (min £300 for his birthday!!)


I do switch net off and tried changing passwords but its a communal house (for now) and did not really work well.
When he it out at the weekends he will leave from 11am and tell me he will be back at 7pm. he refuses to enable his tracker on his phone - had endless discussions with him about this but he still refuses. Then when I ask him to come back say for 5pm to help with tea and get school stuff ready he starts rebelling.
tried asking him if he wants to go out for a walk together or coffee I will listen to anything he has to stay - no interest from him

krustylouise

Can I ask if your sons mum is in his life?

carefullycautious

A rule I used to adhere to was 'give them a bit of slack, but not enough to hang themselves by'


A problem with the teenage years is that everyone seems to end up screaming at each other especially males as it is perfectly normal for father and son to lock horns as this is a stage of transition where your son is going to break away from you to become the adult male he needs to be.


Sooo deep breath and try to find a time when all is calm so that you can talk about things away from the home. Can you take him on a day out Go Karting or what ever young people like these days.


If you can calmly explain why there are rules in the home and why there are rules when he goes out he may realise that you are a concerned parent not the monster trying to stop his fun.


There must be endless books out there re; surviving teenage years.

Carmina-Piranha_2

Can you book a day's holiday to take him to counselling? That way you wouldn't be taking drop in pay.

Try asking at school too, it's worth making an appointment for a meeting with his tutor and asking if they have CAMHS or similar in school. Are school helping with this? Cutting wrists at 12 isn't typical but the general 'attitude' probably is, which is not to say that you should put up with it.

mutley74

son's mum has little/interaction in his life, she has moved away and started her own new life.
I am self employed so a day off = no wages; plus saving for new house.
will ask at the school if they have any counselling service. When we visited the GP last week over another matter, I told him he can speak to GP alone if he has anything to say or ask.