out of control 12 yr old - help

BrassicWoman

I think you had a lot of good advice on toughening up here.... what happened? Things were getting better.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4969608

atolaas

I appreciate that you may have already done this, but have you been in touch with his school to find out if there are any problems that they've picked up on that might be causing his behaviour? Like hanging around with a different group of friends or being bullied...falling behind in lessons..that kind of thing.

Heffi1

I found when my son was going through that phase and that is all it is, a phase which he will grow out of eventually, I set ground rules that were non negotiable, he did not like it, but I was consistent each and every time he broke any of those rules, with consequences laid out very clearly beforehand, so he knew if he broke the rule, he would have to pay the price for it.


Another tactic I used when I wanted to have a chat, but knew he didn't like to be confronted, was to not make eye contact, it gave him the space to have awkward, sometimes embarrassing conversations, without me looking at him, so I would be in the kitchen making dinner and he could talk to me while I was busy, so it made it seem less like a serious chat and more a general catch up kind of conversation. For the most part it worked, but I did on a couple of occasions, have to sit him down and lay the law down, i.e. this is my house and these are my rules, shape up or ship out kind of thing.


It is a horrible transition he is going through, but you need to be clear about which rules you will not break and stick to it.


Everything else is up for consultation, that means you might have to agree to a few things which are uncomfortable to start with, but if you give him the chance to make his own rules about a couple of less important things, and include him in the decision making, he will feel more inclined to agree.




I hope!

mutley74

BrassicWoman wrote: »

I think you had a lot of good advice on toughening up here.... what happened? Things were getting better.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4969608

yeah things worked for a short while ...he listened to some house rules then I let him stay up late at weekends play tablet till late etc
now recently has taken a turn almost like someone has been telling him how to rebel against parents. Now he has started swearing a lot and sees no wrong in it direct to my face.
This week I have confiscated his tablet and games controllers - 2nd time i am doing it this month.

whitewing

When my DS seemed to prefer being out from the morning, we started cooking bacon rolls at the weekend. He hung around for them.

Do you play on the playstation with him. My DS and husband play a lot of Fifa together, again that helps to keep conversations casual and not feel like we are always on at him.

BrassicWoman

By "then I let him" do you mean you are being inconsistent with the application of house rules? That's going to be really confusing and lead him to test out which boundaries are real, and which are made up.

thorsoak

This was one of my responses to your last thread - things obviously haven't changed much, have they?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mutley74 View Post
I was wound up all day at work about this issue, thinking why did I even bother confronting him about this last night.
If he was your kid would you give his phone back in the morning, considering how much he swore at the same time?


I will ask this question only one more time DO YOU WANT TO BE HIS PARENT OR HIS FRIEND? If you want an easy life now, with no arguments - then let him have his own way and be his pal. If you want to bring your child up to be a caring member of society, who pulls his weight and can live in the real world then you have to be a parent.

And no, he certainly would not get his phone back in the morning if he was swearing at me! Do you think that allowing him to swear at you teaches him life skills?

Sadly, it is hard work bringing up children - to make it easier you have to be consistent - not just for one day - but for every day!___________________

As I said before - grow a backbone - unless you really want him to bully you - because that is what he is doing.

I now understand that you are his father, not his mother - when are you going to grow a pair? Or are you going to allow him to become even more of a thug than he appears to be at the moment? This is not the behaviour of a cute kid.

Teenagers are difficult - it goes with the growth spurt and spots ....I know only too well - I've survived three sons and a daughter - but you have to be firm, you have to be consistent - and you have to be the parent - not his friend. Be consistent now and you will find that you have a friend who respects you once he is fully mature.

BitterAndTwisted

The teen years are not dissimilar to the toddler ones in that they are testing boundaries. They need boundaries because they provide the kids with security so you need to be crystal-clear about what they are and then to enforce them consistently. Every single time.

As thorsoak said, you need to be his parent not his best pal.

fabforty

There could be any number of issues causing his behaviour - concern about moving away from his grandparents, worries about how you will both cope, relationship with his mother (or lack of), issues at school, teenage hormones kicking in. Or he could just be testing boundaries. I appreciate the fact that you feel that you cannot afford to miss work to attend counselling, but if that would help you son, can you afford not to?


Having spent a number of years working as a couples and family counsellor, I know that although it is not a quick fix answer, counselling can often get to the root of a problem - he might not even be aware what the problem is. Sessions are often available outside of normal working hours and certainly wouldn't require a whole day. Just thought.

balletshoes

is there a conflict of parenting styles going on in your parents' home between you and your parents, in the way you all treat your son?

I'm just wondering if, because you live all together right now, he knows he can get away with stuff, either because clamping down on him will inconvenience the whole household and you're not willing to do that (ie the router being switched off when the adults want to use it), or you try to tell him off for being disrespectful/swearing/staying out late and one/both of your parents side with your son?

It might work out for the best by far once you have moved out together. You have had a lot of good advice though - pick your battles, but with the battles you choose, remember you are the parent.

My daughter and her dad (my OH) butt heads quite a lot at the moment, she's 13 and is sometimes dismissive and verging on rude and argumentative with him - he still thinks she should listen and obey, no question. She wants to discuss and negotiate - everything. They'll work it out eventually.
I am quite happy to discuss and negotiate til the cows come home, but I won't stand for rudeness, so when she's heading down that road I remind her its not acceptable, and it's not always about her.

OP I would talk to the school, cutting isn't something every kid does, they should have someone there who can help, even if its just to listen.