Advice required re.student daughter allowance

Dolce75

Hi all, need some financial advice re.an issue we are having with my husband's daughter who is starting uni this month.
We are very unsure of what to give her, if anything, to help her financially.
Basically, my husband took out 2 trust fund policies for his daughter 17 years ago. The first of these has matured, but the amount in it has been concealed from us, by - let's just say, a most unpleasant ex wife. Working out our sums, we realise there will be at least £10,000 in this account, but that's the extreme least, and calculated without taking into consideration the interest accumulated.
The sole reason for taking out this policy 17 years ago was to help cover university costs.
My husband's daughter is going to uni at home and living in her mother and her mother's partner's home. She is not considering taking a part time job, will have all meals, laundry services, and basic home luxuries provided for her. She is not expected to make a contribution to the household.
With all this in mind, we are feeling at a great loss when considering whether to contribute further than the 17 years worth of policy funding that has already been invested. The lack of interest in taking on a part time job is against my own work ethic and greatly discourages us from simply providing her with more pocket money. She is 18 years old. In contrast, I put myself through uni, held down a job and paid my parents housekeeping during my time in the family home.
My husband's ex wife is using this to highlight my husband as a 'bad father' because he is less than willing to just hand over cash blindly, under these circumstances.
Does anyone have any ideas? We are worrying about this.
Thank you!

sulphate

How is she going to pay for things like books, mobile phone, and other little luxuries? Is she getting a maintenance loan?

What subject is she going to be studying at university? Whilst the majority of students can juggle studying with part-time work, a select few subjects (and indeed some universities) demand a huge amount of time from students, that it's not realistic for them to be considering part-time work.

If anything, your husband could consider contributing towards her accommodation and food costs and paying his ex-partner directly, if he doesn't already do so. Perhaps the fund would be better saved for the daughter's future life events.

Mojisola

Dolce75 wrote: »

Basically, my husband took out 2 trust fund policies for his daughter 17 years ago.

The first of these has matured ... Working out our sums, we realise there will be at least £10,000 in this account

The sole reason for taking out this policy 17 years ago was to help cover university costs.

My husband's daughter is going to uni at home and living in her mother and her mother's partner's home.

My husband's ex wife is using this to highlight my husband as a 'bad father' because he is less than willing to just hand over cash blindly, under these circumstances.

I think her Dad should send her a nice letter saying he's so pleased that she is going to uni and is glad that he was able to put money aside for the last 17 years to help her cover her costs and wish her well in her studies.

Dolce75

Hi Sulphate, yes she is taking out a student loan to cover both fees and maintenance. So this will cover the costs that you mention.
You see the whole point of setting aside this amount every month for 17 years was to avoid this very situation! My husband's daughter is in a very enviable position, since there is such funding behind her in the first place.
All payments directly to the ex wife cease as per CSA rules and any financial contribution will be made directly to my husband's daughter. This is beneficial to all concerned.
In suggesting a part time job is considered, this is not purely for financial gain. Even the undertaking of a couple of hours work a week would demonstrate a sense of responsibility, initiative and an awareness of the need to adopt life skills. In fact, undertaking a part time job would act as an incentive to my husband and I to contribute financially, as encouragement to her. Our opinion is that my husband has invested in his daughter over and above supporting her through child maintenance over all the childhood years, and provision has already been made for uni. Another policy is ALSO in place, due to mature in 2.5 years, so there is currently another lump sum in the process of maturation.

Dolce75

Yes Mojisola, I do consider her extremely fortunate to have this money invested into her over the years and it has been an immense struggle to maintain these policies. As I said above, a second policy will be maturing in 2.5 years, on top of this current one. She is sitting on a very nice little nest egg.
So now to be expected to line her pockets with spending money, with no regard for the monthly amount which has been committed to her for the last 17 years, it has certainly posed a confusing situation, as the last thing we want is to have any bad feeling result from this. Thanks for your reply.

shop-to-drop

Sounds like she is set up and needs to grow up and mature. I would do as the previous poster suggests and let her know that you have contributed for 17 years to the trust fund. If you feel you want to still contribute further why not set up a savings account and save a similar amount to the maintenance that you no longer need to pay. This money is then there for any time she may need some extra help and is mature enough to appreciate it. Maybe she will want to go on to postgraduate studies or it could even help with buying a first home.

I would certainly be reluctant to give her more money at this stage. She will already be very spoilt with a large trust fund and living at home. If her mum is low income she will probably get full grants and loans too.

Dolce75

Hi shop to drop, yeah - I agree with what you said. It's upsetting that my husband and his ex wife agreed when they set up this policy 17 years back, that it would be used for the sole purpose of uni costs, but has since moved the goal posts and accusing my husband of being a selfish father because he is questioning decisions and trying to educate himself regarding the current financial situation. His ex won't divulge the maturation amount of the policy, so we are having to work with the calculated minimum figure of £10k. Another policy is due to mature in 2.5 years. This policy was taken out 17 years ago too, to assist with a mortgage/car etc.
My husband has been medically retired from work and is now on a pension, so that impacts on us as well. Just hoping for a peaceful resolution to this, but I fear that we will be unable to win, no matter what we do. Thanks for your reply.

CH27

This has also been posted on the relationships forum

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5062349

Mojisola

Dolce75 wrote: »

My husband's ex wife is using this to highlight my husband as a 'bad father' because he is less than willing to just hand over cash blindly, under these circumstances.

We are worrying about this.

Dolce75 wrote: »

it has certainly posed a confusing situation, as the last thing we want is to have any bad feeling result from this.

Your husband obviously isn't a 'bad father' if he has done his best to keep contact with his daughter, paid child maintenance and kept up with the two policies to give her a head start over many of her peers.

Neither of you will be able to stop her mother complaining that he is a 'bad father' - no matter how much money you send to his daughter - nor stop 'bad feelings' if that's how his daughter and her mother want to behave.

The only thing you have control over is how you react to their emotional blackmail. If his daughter was discussing with him what her uni costs are and how she plans to budget and use the lump sum she now has, perhaps he'd be happy to fund specific costs.

Asking for money otherwise "you're a bad Dad" is not an adult way to behave and could set up a life-long pattern of him having to finance her wants.

Future discussions should be between him and his daughter - there's no need for his ex to be directly involved now that she's 18.

Dolce75

Mojisola wrote: »

Your husband obviously isn't a 'bad father' if he has done his best to keep contact with his daughter, paid child maintenance and kept up with the two policies to give her a head start over many of her peers.

Neither of you will be able to stop her mother complaining that he is a 'bad father' - no matter how much money you send to his daughter - nor stop 'bad feelings' if that's how his daughter and her mother want to behave.

The only thing you have control over is how you react to their emotional blackmail. If his daughter was discussing with him what her uni costs are and how she plans to budget and use the lump sum she now has, perhaps he'd be happy to fund specific costs.

Asking for money otherwise "you're a bad Dad" is not an adult way to behave and could set up a life-long pattern of him having to finance her wants.

Future discussions should be between him and his daughter - there's no need for his ex to be directly involved now that she's 18.

I agree wholeheartedly with all you said. It is the sense of 'hidden agenda' that is most unsettling for us. Emotionally speaking, I find it hard to hear him labelled 'bad father' because I'm aware of all he has already done over the years, and I've seen how he and I have struggled so badly at times, but not once did we fail to meet the policy payment (or child maintenance if course). I think it would be a very different story if he had opened an account in his own name, committed the same funds and transferred it to her now as she starts uni. I think there would be a greater awareness of his financial input, if she had not always felt so 'entitled' to it.

Mojisola

Dolce75 wrote: »

Emotionally speaking, I find it hard to hear him labelled 'bad father' because I'm aware of all he has already done over the years, and I've seen how he and I have struggled so badly at times, but not once did we fail to meet the policy payment (or child maintenance if course).

Without wanting to sound too harsh, your emotional reaction to how his ex talks about him is a problem for you to solve within yourself.

There probably isn't anything you or he could do to change the way the ex thinks and talks about him so you have to change the way you react to her comments.

You both feel he has done his best. Don't let the ex's attitude undermine you.