Never felt so dejected.

19lottie82

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Ah yes, men are well known for wanting to listen to their wifes after working 12 hour shifts... Ask him if he's ok, what's up. Leave him alone if he wants to be left alone. He probably wants to talk but doesn't do so.

Whatever you do, don't wait for him to get home and 'tell him how you are feeling'.

My wife always wants to vent about work after a 12 1/2 shift - I know to just nod and "hmm yes dear" for a while

Yes but if she's feeling so bad she's considering leaving and going to stay with her Mum, I think he'd want to know about it.

moomoomama27

If he's working 12 hour shifts back to back (which in itself is tough going), maybe he's just feeling tired and stressed!

I know the last thing my hubby would want to hear about after a long stressful run of days at work is holiday plans!

Perhaps he's stressed abut the cost of all this given his seasonal role?

You mention being a housewife, do yu contricute to the household income?

Mojisola

He's got another 7 days of work to go. I think I'd wait til he finishes, give him a chance for a good sleep and then have some serious talks about your relationship.

PasturesNew

As others have said, it's confusing where you've saved from as you've called yourself a housewife and not indicated where your money comes from, although further scanning shows you're on a disability benefit.

Also, a quick scan through your recent, previous, posts shows oddities such as family/friends having to donate their unused food to you one day, yet the next post is enquiring about a recent HUDL you bought to take away on a planned holiday.

So it's unclear whether you've got money, or not - and you do seem to spend money on 'luxuries' then hit a crisis.

It's hard for people to try to interpret what he meant - and suggest what you should do, without some clarity on your situation. Maybe, also, an SOA would help.

Maybe he was joking/didn't give it another thought ... trying to be "fun" for you, to have/get a laugh ... or maybe he's spoken the unspoken truth of his inner thoughts.

Scorpio33

From a mans perspective, I would say he feels as if he is working stupid hours to earn decent money to give you both a good standard of living. He is working hard to get this money and wants to enjoy it with you, but equally the more money spent, the more he has to work, which obviously he doesn't enjoy doing.


I can see where you are coming from - you want him and you to enjoy this money together and you making plans is your way of trying to help him de-stress. However, he will see it as something he had not thought of buying, which will only put more pressure on the money he is earning, so equates more spending = more money to earn = more stress for me.


He was probably tired out from work and overreacted, but equally, he wouldn't want you to decide on your own how to spend the money he works hours he doesn't want to work to earn. Think it from his perspective - he would probably want to decide how to enjoy the fruits of his labour.


What I would say is that the better way to have gone about it perhaps was that to suggest you as a couple have some plans in the diary to do things in the future, to enjoy what time you have together when he is not working. They do not need to cost anything, but by asking him for his input, he would be much more open to booking things like you have.


Good luck with it all - but hang in there. He is probably too tired, overworked and stressed to think clearly or see the effect it is also having on you.

caprikid1

You husband is doing back to back shifts of 12 hours to try and make ends meet. He is worried to death about your finances.

Only recently you were discussing having £12.50 to feed yourself on.

He feels he is letting you down, he feels he is not providiing for you.

when you next see him , Say nothing, give him a hug and cuddle up on the Sofa.

SavingPennies_2

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

He's been working 12 hour shifts for past week and has another 7 days to go. I'm caring for the dogs as usual and being a lazy housewife as usual!

I know you probably meant the "lazy housewife" comment tongue in cheek, but he must be a bit stressed and frustrated if he is working 12 hour shifts and you are not working, yet are planning trips away. I don't know the back story as to why you dont work but whatever the reason he is obviously feeling the pressure both financially and physically. Im sure he didn't mean to hurt you but perhaps you can be more understanding of his perspective. I'd let the matter drop till he's finished his shifts and had a chance to recharge then have a proper chat.

Crisp_£_note

I receive £200 a month PIP as I am unable to work due to a long term degenerative health condition of my spine and his £332. Tax credits contribution a month. Other than his as and when seasonal job (which is also on a self employed basis) he is also self employed as a car valeter but for the past 10 years has been struggling to gain enough work to make it justifible yet he wont see sense and close his business. I was receiving ESA benefit but this was stopped due to reaching the maximum 365 day ruling. I was previously also self employed with my husbands business but after 2 years I could see it was failing as was my health so resigned. I was recently awarded PIP earlier this year after a long wait in the ATOS queue. As I dont get taken out very often I have a choice either to save my £200 a month, spend it on food for us and 2 dogs or buy myself something nice. So far I have fed us and saved the rest. I have when he isnt working so much suggested things we could ask for as gifts for say Christmas, birthdays, anniversary etc such as cinema tickets or passes, suggested some dates at the pizza place or a night out at his local etc anything to try to interact in his world but it never happens and he never wants to bother with anything so over time I gave up.

When he makes any money yes he pays his bills and overheads then the rest he treats himself to something and does what he wants with. Thats fine it is his earnt money after all!

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Ah yes, men are well known for wanting to listen to their wifes after working 12 hour shifts... Ask him if he's ok, what's up. Leave him alone if he wants to be left alone. He probably wants to talk but doesn't do so.

Whatever you do, don't wait for him to get home and 'tell him how you are feeling'.

My wife always wants to vent about work after a 12 1/2 shift - I know to just nod and "hmm yes dear" for a while

I do ask him how he got on, did anything bad happen, good happen, exciting happen, different happen. I listen to the answers try to interact with him but I get no answers or such questions about my day in return. Thats it the rest of the evening we sit in silenceewsflash of a hilarity of a photo, forum comment or video he might share but because im not in his cyber world means little to me yet I still interact as best I can in a friendly manner pretending I do and laughing or interacting (guessing wildly as to what reaction to give) with him) (perhaps the n either end of the sofa watching his TV choice and he's on his laptop on FaceBook and his car forums and I am on my tablet with nothing better to do. I had to give up my 1 night out a week as I couldnt afford it any longer. He goes to the pub 2 nights a week when he isnt working to escape the humdrummity!

19lottie82 wrote: »

Yes but if she's feeling so bad she's considering leaving and going to stay with her Mum, I think he'd want to know about it.

I had planned to go stay with her for these 2 weeks but there wasn't anyone available to dog sit for free. I got a quote and it was going to cost £200 just for a 2 day weekend.

Mojisola wrote: »

He's got another 7 days of work to go. I think I'd wait til he finishes, give him a chance for a good sleep and then have some serious talks about your relationship.

He gets a good sleep, im the one who gets up to let him sleep when he snores the house down as I know he works so hard. I often end up on the sofa and despite me explaining its nothing hes done wrong he gets annoyed with me anyway!


I am regularly telling him I love him making him centre of attention in positive ways, talking about his day, his ideas, his trials and tribulations. But dont often get this in return. He often speaks to me in a tone I get upset by yet he doesnt mean to he knows no different, he can talk nicely just its become a habbit and im often the one to cop it yet his mother receives a restrained version once in a while too so I understand its not just me.

He throws a strop if I suggest anything about visiting my mother together saying thats not a break its free labour (absolutely not true). Its like he has a vengeance on anyone or anything other than himself and his wants. He is selfish I think thats what its classed as?

To be honest I am and have been for some years sick of living his way or no way but I dont beleive in divorce - we have no kids to be tied up in all this thankfully and hes not physically abusive. If he wants a divorce he can have one there isnt half of anything to give anyway but if he wants one he can go out and do that not me!

It isnt a case of him not wanting to hear me witter on. His mother takes pitty on me and visits daily when hes working back to back so I have someone to talk to but I understand hes her son so dont !!!!! about it or mention it I am greatful we get along though and she comes round for a cuppa when she has chance. Also I phone my Mam once a day to check up on her and have a discussion about her daily problems, issues and chores, support her etc. Other than that I an text my husband but hes working so understandably cant reply or go on FB or surf the web and care for the dogs and my husband do the housework thats my everyday almost about in a nutshell.

Its my fault whatever happend to us I canonly deduct it must be somehow but where did I do wrong over 13 years?!

Sorry this isnt a poor me sob story despite what it looks like. It's my life and our relationship failures!

Scorpio33

OK, so it clearly isn't simply a case of this one remark then.


There is a lot here that you are frustrated about, and I bet there is a lot that he is frustrated about. With him tired and you feeling neglected, the communication between you too is poor at best.


I would sit him down with no distractions at a time where you are both ok (ie: not after a row or a 12 hour shift), and explain to him the way you are feeling and why and understand he may have a different perspective and you simply want you both to understand each other a lot more.


If talking doesn't work, I would suggest you go to relate together - or even if it is just on your own (if he refuses). They help you to understand each other and get your communication better between you both.

SavingPennies_2

I do think it's unfair he goes to the pub 2 nights a week when he's not at work, he should spend one of those evenings going somewhere with you.

It sounds like you are both fed up, I think you need to chat and plan some very cheap/free outings to break up the routine, yes as you already are suggesting, but perhaps when he is not so tired.