Dating (particually web) & not wanting children

SanguineSteve

As an offshoot to the other thread about not wanting kids, it got me thinking.....

I am single and in my early 30's. I've not had a serious relationship in a while, nor am I desperately seeking one, but am open to it should the right person come along.

I've had an online dating profile for several years and have met a few people through that. I don't use it often, just occasionally to see what's around and to 'keep my eye in' on the dating front. (It's easy to de-skill in that area if you're not careful!!;) ) I'm not at all prolific, but at least usually get a reply to my messages when I send them. More often than not, that leads to a date.

During the last date I had through the site (early this year), I had a weird situation. It was going well, we were having a nice chat & a coffee. Then, a child started screaming it's head off. I quipped "And that's why I don't want kids!". She looked at me as if I had just spat in her drink and quickly asked "Really? What's the point of going on dates then?" We then had a bit of a tetchy exchange about it (her essentially telling me that I was wasting her time), finished our drinks and went our separate ways. I was pretty shocked by it and was rather put-off.

Anyway, fast forward to now and a few weeks ago decided to give it all a whirl again. Mindful of that previous experience, I updated my profile with a kind of disclaimer stating that "I'm not really interested in having kids, so don't waste your time here if you do."

Since updating it, I've not had a single reply (to the 5 or so people I have contacted) and had no approaches/'likes' (or whatever they are) from anyone either. Total radio silence.

So, am I shooting myself in the foot by being that honest? Or does the disclaimer sound a bit hostile and weird?
I am aware that the majority of ladies of my age are looking for the man they will settle down with and start a family, so I would hate to feel I've wasted their time in any way. I'm also not terribly interested in dating girls that are too much younger.

Over to you MSE's.

aroomofonesown

To me...it sounds as though you're being a bit offish! I'd leave it off and that's something that you can discuss face to face. Dating is the fun bit, there's no harm in meeting different people who cares about kids and marriage when you first start dating?

I'm in my 30's and I'll be honest, I'd not message you lol!

Person_one

The disclaimer isn't great, does the site you use not have an option in your profile to tick whether or not you want/have children? The ones I used always did.

the_alchemist

It's sounds a bit hostile - I don't want children myself, but I might be a bit put off by it. How about stating it in a more positive way, like "happily childfree and planning to stay that way".

Drunk_Monkey

I'm a gay guy. When I go on dates; it is solely & exclusively to find someone smoking hot who makes me happy. But that's because I'm gay and I won't be involved in any pregnancies.

It's different for heterosexual women (and, to a lesser extent, straight men). When a woman meets a man, the fact that he may be nice/happy/funny/gorgeous isn't enough. Is he a stable provider? Will he commit to my vision of a house with 3 kids? Most of the straight women I've met seem genetically predetermined towards child bearing.

From most of the women I've spoken to, I actually feel that they put their "wedding goggles" on. And instead of going with the flow & seeing where it takes you. The potential guy in the date is nothing more than a means of securing an abstract notion of children, a big house, and a family dog.

You need to meet a woman who doesn't know what she wants. Somebody, like me, whose honest about their emotions ... and goes wherever the flow may take me.

Drunk_Monkey

aroomofonesown wrote: »

who cares about kids and marriage when you first start dating?

You answered your own question below.

I'm in my 30's and I'll be honest, I'd not message you lol!

DKLS

Sounds like an opportunity for someone to setup childfreedating.com.

InsideInsurance

Which dating sites are you using?

The ones I've seen had a requirement to state your current and planned child situation. If you want them to be and remain child free then filter profiles to those that are no on both points. For extra belts and braces put in your own profile, in a positive way, that you are and want to remain kid free.

Been several years since last I went on a dating site but there was a fairly high proportion of those in their late20s -> mid 30s saying they dont want [STRIKE]brats[/STRIKE] kids

InsideInsurance

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

But that's because I'm gay and I won't be involved in any pregnancies.

Better tell my gay friends who are involved in their 3rd pregnancy that they're doing it wrong for their sexuality. Both have had a burning desire to have kids even if it requires the assistance of another and are expecting their 2nd now (miscarriage happened before).

A biological ability to have kids with your partner due to gender, injury, sickness etc doesnt always equate to your desire for them

giantmutantbroccoli

Don't ever, ever, put anything on your dating profile about "not wasting your time". Your dating profile is an advertisement, essentially, and most people will be put off by negatives. Particularly by negatives that sound like they might have been prompted by a previous bad experience, like the one you describe.

Get rid of it. If there is a place in the profile where it asks if you want kids, answer it there. Or do what the_alchemist says, and make it into a positive. There's plenty of women out there who don't want kids who might be looking for someone just like you.

I use OKC quote a bit now I'm single, and I wouldn't respond to any guy who had something in his profile that said "I'm not interested in [something], so don't waste your time here if you are". It sounds like you're talking about your ex, and nobody wants to risk the date from hell where you hear all about the ex-gf and her emotionally-scarring ways.

A good rule of thumb is not to change things that aren't broken, and not to change things on your dating profile on the basis of one bad experience. By putting that in your profile, you're assuming that there are a lot of other similar women out there who will also kick off if you "waste their time" with a date. She's not typical. Frankly, she sounds nuttier than a squirrel farm, and I wouldn't want to date her (or her male equivalent) either.

SailorSam

Would you consider a woman a few years older, she may already have kids that are over 18 and running their own lives.