Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

NoOneAround

Hey Lilty - I would think you get enough weight training playing/jumping/laughing with Jelly plus all your supercleaning - puts me to shame!


DS is a real water baby too - always has been. when in the pool he spends hours under the water rather than at the surface, and even though he took all his ASA swim badges he was forever improvising on the strokes to make them more under the water than out - drove his swimming teachers mad:D when he was little. And when he couldn't do what he wanted he sobbed his heart out (3-4 years). Teacher told me he was doing it for my benefit and not to watch the class - and she was right! The minute I left the room and he had no-one whose strings he could pull - he stopped. And now he says he's no good at Drama. :rotfl:




:mad::mad:Am fuming this morning. HAve spent months just getting on with things and kept myself sane by avoiding getting worked up about DH. He works hard etc etc etc and aren't I too? He only works. I do whatever I can work wise as well as keep family/household going. If I went and got a full time big job I would expect him to do half of family/household - which since self employment he just hasn't. He made everyone miserable yesterday evening because he had topick up DD rom work, and she had to work late. Told him he could come home but he said he would wait. Then threw a wobbly because she was more than 30 min she said she was going to be. Came in threw his work case from six feet onto his desk, and his phone, Had a huff because there was only leftovers for dinner, shouted sarcastically at DS who greeted him enthusiastically because summer hols had started. So everyone avoided him.


So this morning I only spoke when spoken too and he can't understand why I am a bit off. So I explain. He thinks its Ok to behave like that because he's "tired". I tell him not to take it out on the kids as it's not their fault, which by his assumption makes it "his fault". I have no idea how many million times we have the same conversation. Its like on repeat tape.
It's our 30 year anniversary in 3 weeks time. Big deal.

Noa
xx

Brogden

NoOneAround wrote: »

Hey Lilty - I would think you get enough weight training playing/jumping/laughing with Jelly plus all your supercleaning - puts me to shame!


DS is a real water baby too - always has been. when in the pool he spends hours under the water rather than at the surface, and even though he took all his ASA swim badges he was forever improvising on the strokes to make them more under the water than out - drove his swimming teachers mad:D when he was little. And when he couldn't do what he wanted he sobbed his heart out (3-4 years). Teacher told me he was doing it for my benefit and not to watch the class - and she was right! The minute I left the room and he had no-one whose strings he could pull - he stopped. And now he says he's no good at Drama. :rotfl:




:mad::mad:Am fuming this morning. HAve spent months just getting on with things and kept myself sane by avoiding getting worked up about DH. He works hard etc etc etc and aren't I too? He only works. I do whatever I can work wise as well as keep family/household going. If I went and got a full time big job I would expect him to do half of family/household - which since self employment he just hasn't. He made everyone miserable yesterday evening because he had topick up DD rom work, and she had to work late. Told him he could come home but he said he would wait. Then threw a wobbly because she was more than 30 min she said she was going to be. Came in threw his work case from six feet onto his desk, and his phone, Had a huff because there was only leftovers for dinner, shouted sarcastically at DS who greeted him enthusiastically because summer hols had started. So everyone avoided him.


So this morning I only spoke when spoken too and he can't understand why I am a bit off. So I explain. He thinks its Ok to behave like that because he's "tired". I tell him not to take it out on the kids as it's not their fault, which by his assumption makes it "his fault". I have no idea how many million times we have the same conversation. Its like on repeat tape.
It's our 30 year anniversary in 3 weeks time. Big deal.

Noa
xx

Sorry to hear this NOAh but I'll have to close my ears and eyes 'coz I'm a man too.

He should be very grateful to have you......that's all I can say......and I'll bet he actually is !!

B xxx

NoOneAround

Brogden wrote: »

Sorry to hear this NOAh but I'll have to close my ears and eyes 'coz I'm a man too.

He should be very grateful to have you......that's all I can say......and I'll bet he actually is !!

B xxx

Oh yes please cover your eyes and ears B.....I always forget as I always think of you as one of us (oops how sexist is that ...not meant to be:D


and sorry for my big whinge ...had to off-load somewhere!
xx

supersaver1000

Oh Noah. Sending hugs, that's horrible and I know from experience. You might have seen my post recently. It's not very nice when a large person throws a toddler sized tantrum. I think they know the effect it has but don't truly understand that it's not nice, but more than that it's bullying and is designed to make everyone else run scared. Big bully!

What truly makes me cross is that they can behave just fine at work and with friends. I've developed a sort of thick skin to it now and might say something like 'theres no need to throw your rattle out of the pram. Why don't you go and calm yourself down until you feel you can behave'. I also bring it up in front of friends and family - for instance I'd say something in a half joking way about DH having an especially good aim at throwing when he has a tantrum. My DH understands now that people will hear about his behaviour so makes him think twice about doing it.

I think your DH like mine is a good provider, but we aren't there to be punchbags for their bad moods, and tackling that behaviour is good for them in the long term as they don't want to end up on their own.

Keep your chin up, he'll be back to normal before you know it. SS

NoOneAround

Thanks for hugs SS:)
I did see your OH tantrum post a week or so back and agreed totally (might not have replied though) - I think you said he too old for that sort of behaviour and life's too short.
Do we share the same OH:rotfl:mine's also fine with everyone else it drives me nuts. Can't remember last time we had an intelligent useful conversation:eek:


He' so oblivious and unable to read to personal signals it's unreal. He has also lost all awareness of what being a gentleman is. At a recent wedding reception we went to he kept going off to be social and abandoning me, at times stood with his back to me. WE have a posh works do in August in London - am dreading it. Feel like getting p***ed (oops naughty mummy) and totally having a good time - perhaps with someone else if he loses me (its a masked ball ):rotfl::rotfl:


xxxx
NOAh


PS Am off shopping with DD this pm. Her bank balance looking much healthier than mine - I have just got her to open an isa with her bank to move £700 into to earn what little bit of interest she can -m no point it sitting in her student account.
xx

Bobarella

Hi Noa

I'm sorry your DH is being a dork. It really must be utterly deflating to have your kids in good spirits but their dad unable to be grateful for them and the family life you strive to provide.

My own OH is actually amazing. But my Dad was a nightmare for this sort of behaviour. He could stop joy at ten paces with his moods. As a child and a teen I hated the moods of doom in our house and couldn't wait to move out at 16. A lot of it was alcohol related and stress too. But I try really hard not to bring my work home with me ie stress. Sometimes it can't be helped but you are so right about the amount of extras women who work part time often do put in. I know myself that I do the lions share of home work support, domestic stuff, financial management, health care of my family management, the list is endless. But I don't mind because my husband appreciates me.

Good luck at the masked ball it sounds a lot of fun. Maybe your husband deserves to feel a few pangs of jealousy if you do have a chance encounter

Night

Bob

Eager_Elephant

NoOneAround wrote: »

:mad::mad:Am fuming this morning. HAve spent months just getting on with things and kept myself sane by avoiding getting worked up about DH. He works hard etc etc etc and aren't I too? He only works. I do whatever I can work wise as well as keep family/household going. If I went and got a full time big job I would expect him to do half of family/household - which since self employment he just hasn't. He made everyone miserable yesterday evening because he had topick up DD rom work, and she had to work late. Told him he could come home but he said he would wait. Then threw a wobbly because she was more than 30 min she said she was going to be. Came in threw his work case from six feet onto his desk, and his phone, Had a huff because there was only leftovers for dinner, shouted sarcastically at DS who greeted him enthusiastically because summer hols had started. So everyone avoided him.


So this morning I only spoke when spoken too and he can't understand why I am a bit off. So I explain. He thinks its Ok to behave like that because he's "tired". I tell him not to take it out on the kids as it's not their fault, which by his assumption makes it "his fault". I have no idea how many million times we have the same conversation. Its like on repeat tape.
It's our 30 year anniversary in 3 weeks time. Big deal.

Noa
xx

Oh Noa


I think when people post about OH's it makes everyone nod in agreement.


I don't expect anyone to read my debt diary but it is 50/50 with paying off debt and moaning about my DH:rotfl:


My DH has been an !!! in the past and too be honest I am only still in my marriage for my daughter (we have been married 14 yrs this year). I have given myself until she is 18 and then I will probably leave (DD is 12.5yrs) - DH is aware of this because the last time he was a big !!! I told him this.


Sorry to bore people with the same story but I really struggled to deal with my DH and his moods (he does have depression and a neuro condition) and I used to shout like an old fish wife at him and then I realised it just got me upset, DD got upset and there was a lot of tension in the house so now I take Agnus Castus (it regulates your hormones) and I no longer have the mood swings I used to have during my cycle and I am a much calmer person.
Things that DH does that used to wind me up no longer register on my radar - last week he said or did something to annoy me so I turned away and counted to 1 0 and just carried on with my day. I think I am a much nicer person on the tablets.


What also changed was that if we had an argument and the next day we were due to a social event/visiting relatives he would refuse to come until I literally had to beg him to come so we could play happy families. One day I had enough and just went without him, he kept ringing me every 5 mins asking me what I was doing and would I go back for him - I refused, drove over an hour to a lovely boating lake and took the kids boating. I had never done anything like that before and I can't row to save my life but the kids and I had a great time and DH was bored all day. Another time I went to my mum's without him and when they asked where he was, instead of covering for him I said we'd had an argument and he was moping!! He never did that again (he tries to play the perfect husband to my family).


The other thing we do is allow mope time - I appreciate this won't work for everyone though. DH has depression and about once every few months he gets really down so instead of trying to cheer him up and sort all his 'problems' he has a mope day and stays in bed all day. The kids and I just carry on as normal and by the evening he usually feels much better.



I am not sure how you change your DH but I do find that males can't cope with tiredness, hunger or the heat as well as women which turns them in to grouchy creatures!!


Hope you had a great shopping trip yesterday and have a good day today.

NoOneAround

Thanks Bob and Eager_E.
Men really are Martians aren't they (sorry Brogs:o).
Bob, its lovely to hear that your OH is amazing and I love it when people have these really special relationships. I have a couple of friends who have just had their 25th and they are both just beautiful people, who are very happy and content. I am really happy for them and very envious too, as they are living life the way I would want to live, having fun and actually living it, if you know what I mean. And its like that because they are reading from the same song sheet (Ithink that's the phrase!)


............Please excuse typing and lack of punctuation and grammar:o am exhausted and cant be bothered:(...........


Eager, am so sorry you have similar experiences with OH, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I have hopped in and out of your diary , though not always posted as am always rushed for time. I have a special pic I saved weeks and weeks ago for you and just not got round to posting it....will do now that have a bit more time......


Last few months I have survived by doing the deep breath count to 10 and walking away from arguments, but now its starting to build up in me again.
I think its because I have done all the dealing with creditors, for both of us and we still don't talk about it. The token payments have given a reprieve of a few months. When I tried to talk about it he still just could not get passed the " how did we get in this mess phrase" and is ready to throw the towel in. Trouble is I'm not and will not and will do whatever it takes. on Friday I got letter from my bank who we had a business loan with £1900 left to pay, and its just default but it sounds like they may go to court? the letter is worded differently to the others because it says you can apply for more time from the court or get advice from solicitor or CAB?
I haven't had court forms or anything (debt is joint) so not sure if this is leading towards a CCJ? I have been worrying myself sick over and he doesn't know as he leaves all his letters for me. I can no longer handle his inability to handle. Need to phone SC and/or the bank tomorrow to see what it means - they are demanding payment by 22nd July. I have got about £1600 set aside for tax next Jan, so coul pay most of it but am worried if I do they will do the same for other debts I have with them (ie bully).


Am probably boring everyone repeating same old same old here. so will stop waffling on and go to bed.


xx Nite Nite and sweet debt free dreams all
xx
NOA

Bobarella

NOA - the fact he is leaving such serious matters to you alone is not a good thing at all. You are married and should have 2 pairs of hands and 2 pairs of eyes on everything. I don't have an easy answer though unfortunately. You have done so much already for both of your financial interests. Hugs.

themarsbargirl

Just to send love and hugs xxxx