Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

NoOneAround

themarsbargirl wrote: »

Just to send love and hugs xxxx

Thanks MBG:)
xx

NoOneAround

Bobarella wrote: »

NOA - the fact he is leaving such serious matters to you alone is not a good thing at all. You are married and should have 2 pairs of hands and 2 pairs of eyes on everything. I don't have an easy answer though unfortunately. You have done so much already for both of your financial interests. Hugs.

Thanks Bob:)
.......


Power cut at 3.30 this am set all the security alarms off so am exhausted again. DD and DH gone to work - am home today with DS who slept through it all. I've been awake and worrying since then.


Am pretty sure that DH s like that because he sees himself as having failed, because he all he ever says when I bring subject up is that he can't do any more than he already does. This is true on how many hours he works but unfortunately he's never learned to work smarter. He works and works and works, doesn't do exercise because he's too tired so vegetates in front of tv every night for a couple of hours as his relax time, only usually falls asleep. I worry about his health too but will he listen? He has a desk job mostly. ref diet he is as bad as my son and cannot resist all the food that is bad for him. If I buy enough for a week to have a daily treat, between him and DS it will be gone in a couple of days. So its a vicious circle, he tired and can't concentrate so everything takes longer. Its like hitting my head against a brick wall. All the self help stuff is just gibberish according to him. Unfortunately he is also not religious or spiritual or believe in anything, so doesn't have anything to fall back on. He also comes form a very dysfunctional family who only ever looked after themselves and who we have not kept in touch with for many years, they all fall in and out with each other and backstab each other all of the time. He never got on with his father. This scares me because now is the time that DS needs a good male role model, to set the example of what is appropriate behaviour. DH goes through extremes of standing up for him ( for techy stuff and gaming etc) but much more often having a go at him - he can't bear to see him doing nothing, and ends up ordering him about. (usually its because he wants the tv remote for himself!):mad:


Oh my, O dear:o I've just blurted it all out again. Sorry:o


Got to psyche myself up for the phone calls today. Sad thing is I'm getting uncomfortable even calling SC for advice now, equally thinking should I just let them do a low start DMP for me?
But then do they get F&F offers through from creditors too?
Think I might try and get an hours sleep.
Have to take DS in into town today and fill in Red Cross volunteer forms with him. Not sure how quickly can get things set up as am working as marking job from Weds for a week. DD home on Weds but Ds will need to be somewhere on Thursday/Friday as State schools not finished yet so no summer camps/activities yet, and lots of his friends have already flown off for holidays.
XX
Noa

NoOneAround

Just posting for my own reference
Looking at lots of ideas/links from other threads some closed, saying how inflexible SC can be. After last conversation with them I felt really down, am wondering whether to start from scratch so don't have to keep phoning them for updates to I&E


http://mymoney.nedcab.org.uk/moneyadvice/dmp.asp

http://mymoney.nedcab.org.uk/moneyadvice/dmptour.asp (example of a completed DMP)

http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/england_wales/debt_advice.php#4

http://www.cashflow.uk.net/

NoOneAround

Does anyone know if the cashflow system by CAB is totally anonymous?
I am a volunteer at CAB and would not want anyone to be able to look at my details


NOA
x

NoOneAround

NoOneAround wrote: »

Does anyone know if the cashflow system by CAB is totally anonymous?
I am a volunteer at CAB and would not want anyone to be able to look at my details


NOA
x

Sorry am totally useless today as very anxious - I have just looked up (couldn't see it before for looking!) and sent information is encrypted, details only stored locally, so I could potentially switch to using this.

Igamogam

Hello NOA!

Haven't got any thoughts re SC as I am not using anything like this.........doing it the long hard way and a bit of 'well I got myself into this pickle I will get myself out kinda attitude' I dont understand all the F&F stuff. It doesnt sit easy with me.For me, IMO, it was never my money in the first place so why should I not be paying it all back?? I am intelligent person. Could see what was happening but just chose to ignore the the route we were following...........cant blame the banks for that!! However I do understand for some people SC and similar are very very useful/important/even necessary. Your OH on the other hand......................sounds very similar to where mine was about 12 months ago. His family sound very similar to your OHs - his family I would describe as fractured rather than dysfunctional only because their father died when they where small children and their mother then had to work very hard for very little bringing four up on her own. 12 months ago he was hating his desk bound job which he was doing out of necessity rather than choice having been made redundant 7/8 years ago. Very active and outdoor type he was coming home exhausted spending hours on PC, not gaming but researching stuff he was dreaming about - house projects,future adventures and getting thoroughly peed off with it all, taking it out on others because he thought it was all out of his reach. What he didnt do was talk about it!!! He did however see the light re his health when his back gave out and he realised if he didn't get himself back into shape dreams he had would not happen at all, partly because of finances but mainly because of health. Now the financial side of it I think he has shoved his head firmly in the sand - he has yet to have his LBM but health wise things have improved.

A visit to chiropractor put him on a whole new way of thinking about looking after himself. First thing he got was an electronic desk at work and he stands for most of the day now. He started losing weight naturally. began to feel more energised and took it a step further by embarking on the 5:2 diet. 12 months later, 2 stones lighter and a massive house project underway he will be fulfilling a lifetime dream this autumn.........after which I hope its my turn;)

He has very much come to all this on his own and as far as I am concerned he really has no idea what he put me and the DDs through at times over the last few years and if tried to point it out I am sure the defensive wall of denial would come up:o

Now a little tongue in cheek/lighthearted tip re DSs friends from school.........one of my best buddies sends her child to private school - they are on a hardship scholarship.........I think mum and dad must have creative accountants BTW but that is another story:eek: But they have cultivated friendships with some families who have properties abroad and who are only to willing to have said child tag along ( sometimes paid for!) to keep Fortesque-Motley company or offer places to stay for my best friends family for long weekends etc!! Now we do tease my friend remorselessly for all this but......in the same shoes would we do this.........well errum yes probably!!!:rotfl: I have to say child of friend is very grounded and their best bestest joined at the hip friend goes to local state comp and as the child of my friend is an only child they get to take their friend on holiday every year......and yes its paid for by my best buddy;)

Hope things buck up for you soon NOA. I am sure someone will be along soon to advise you on SC.


ETA : oooh sorry rambled a bit!!

supersaver1000

Just posting to say thank you to Eager Elephant for her post. I feel so much the same, it really helps to hear it from someone else, and I am glad you are coping with it like I am - I do feel that there are a lot of us out there, but sometimes I feel really abnormal.

Noah I hope you are okay - I'm sending hugs and love - you are doing great, it will all work out in the end. I keep thinking of the quote from the Best Marigold Hotel about it will all be fine in the end, and if it isn't fine yet, then it isn't the end yet. I don't know why, but that phrase just lifts me, its almost like saying we aren't dead yet and for some reason that cheers me up :eek::rotfl::T I guess the alternative is .... being dead... :eek: and I'm happy not to be that :rotfl:

I agree with all the EE said. You get to a point where you seem to be able to take control of your life again. It might not seem it right now, but you will get there.

Keep going Noah, you are doing really well. The only other tip I can give is my 'not thinking about it' one. I couldn't have done this last year when I was in a bit of a state, but this year I've got a routine of just refusing to think about worrying things at certain times. It works for me now, don't think it would have worked last year. But although our debts/worries aren't over and won't be for many years, please take comfort that when they get even just a little bit better there will be some respite.

Much hugs to you and to all the strong women out there. xxxx

LastFewSteps

Hi Noa,
I've been reading your diary for a little while and just wanted to say you are truly inspirational, keep going you can do it,
Im sorry your dh hasn't seen the light just yet, is he maybe feeling frustrated with himself that even though he does as much work/earns as much as he can it's still not enough and he doesn't know what else he can do, and perhaps he can't express this to you in words, my dh was like this at the start of our journey (many years ago) he worked as much as possible, full time in the days and took 2nd/3rd jobs at evenings and weekends, to him it felt like he was forever working and we still didn't have enough money, and I'm sure he felt that he was doing all of it for nothing (I on the other hand knew it wasn't for nothing it was for paying back all the things we'd had that we shouldn't have, if you see what I mean) my dh was terrible for getting into strops because we couldn't afford things and also because he was just so tired all the time, and he just couldn't find a way to express it to us, we just thought he was a moody *insert any rude name here* :rotfl: I managed to get it out of him in the end with a little coaxing and reading between the lines on my part, but I'm lucky because even though he struggled we still kind of worked together I know it's not like that for everyone
I think men (not all) take so much longer to get used to a change in things whereas we tend to see a problem and get on with fixing it while they spend most of their time dwelling on it and getting nowhere, also wanted to say I've come from a not quite normal family and it really does take some time to realise that the way you were brought up wasn't quite the right way and that there are different ways of dealing with things and ways to express how you're feeling, it just takes a while to figure that out and sometimes people may never do that, anyway I've rambled on, just a thought I wanted to add, not to sure if any of it makes sense :rotfl: I hope he comes to his sense soon
you are doing an absolutely fab job dealing with everything,and believe me one day in the future the worry about phone calls and letters will all be gone one way or another and it's a lovely feeling which will come to you eventually

ETA sorry about the terrible grammar and punctuation was typing in a rush

NoOneAround

Oh Gosh....:othanks for all your encouragement Igamogam, Supersaver and Lastfewsteps.


I still get taken aback how lovely everyone is on here......


Haven't got long on here as will have to pick up DD from work and cook dinner before I go. Had a friend ask us over for impromptu drinks later but lovely as she is I'm just not in the mood so have told some white lies and got out of it (she called unexpected while I was out with DS and I ended up accepting invite as couldn't think quick enough - she can be very pushy....and I really don't feel up to competitive school mums chit chat.....this one is a very long story:rotfl:. I told her a sibling was coming unexpectedly tonight so she said "bring her". I told her sibling was wanting to leave early as working tomorrow so she said come after she's gone :eek: persistent or what?!!


Head not clear today, taken ibuprofen (not that it ever works),neck really tense and sharp pains on one side of head again. and guess what I haven't made the calls. I did try step change and after 20 minutes waiting on hold for an advisor, chickened out.


Took Ds into town and have filled in form for Red Cross volunteer work - am expecting call from shop manager to tomorrow for Risk assessment etc. Positive for today.:) Also managed to get him swim shorts for £7 in sale.




XX
NOA

Bobarella

Wow NOA I think she is stalking you

Its sad reading about your husband. What does he want to happen in all of this? Is he as commited as you to fighting on, keeping the house etc?

Sometimes things are so complicated. My business has had more ups and downs than I care to mention, and at each time of crisis my OH has said,'is it worth keeping on when you are so stressed?' but I never feel like giving up because I dont like failing. I think I see failure in a very different light to OH. He doesnt take things to heart the same way. Anyway I just wondered if it was a bit like that. You dont want to quit, but he doesnt care in the same way??
Who knows, its rubbish having to second guess others though isnt it.
If theres one thing I remember from my childhood that has scarred me for life, its every time my Dad behaved badly, again! My Mum would say 'oh but he had a terrible childhood' now what child wants to hear that? I really hope your DS can be a good role model for your son.

And sleep better tonight.

Bob