I am such an idiot! When will I learn?

judi24

Bob - she did pay £58 when she was a student but she pays the whole lot now which is £158


Violalass - I get what you are saying! I won't be doing it again!

Cwtchie

Have just read from the start. WELL DONE! It's not easy to alter everything in your life in one go. That is what you are doing, changing your mindset and dealing with those changes. On top of that you have an ex who is not helping, that's trouble enough. I really can't say WELL DONE enough, even recognising your difficulties is hard to do and that's why you are on this site, asking for help and advice but above all SUPPORT! I too spoil my kids and balance spoiling them with my finances, sometimes they win, sometimes the finances do, but I won't have any regrets.
Batch cook from scratch and freeze - creates achievement
Create lists upon lists and tick them off - creates achievement
Watch your bank account daily - lets you feel in control
Ask do I want It or do I need it - gives you a choice.
Get a spray bottle (old flash bottle) and put a bit of bleach in it and top up with water, cheapest cleaner ever and it works!
Above all feel very proud of yourself, stand up for yourself and believe in yourself - you are doing great! :T

judi24

Cwtchie - Thanks for your encouragement - it means alot to be cheered on! I contantly struggle with spoiling the kids - I know that and I am trying hard to address this - I have always said that the reason I work so hard (long hours, constant study etc) has been to give my kids a better life - and I have made mistakes along the way! The result is that I am a single parent with a sizable mortgage as aresult of paying off my ex) but a nice house in an area that has good schools that the kids and I feel comfortable and secure in! I have a resonably well paid job (would say that I enjoy but I start a new job in a week so can't really pass comment!) My debt is not 'crippling' although to have it gone would be an amazing achievement and mean that I can really enjoy my money - my overall aim would be to reduce the term of the mortgage so it would be paid off in 10 years! But I know I cant do this without still being able to treat the kids occasionally - I am not extravagant - but if I want to give them some small treats than I need to be able to do that or I know I will just give up - I guess the secret would be to build this into my budget!


At the moment I am struggling between trying to pay off debt as quickly as possible over a short time or take it a bit slower and be a little less stressed and obsessed about it!


I guess to some on here it looks like I am not serious or not trying - but I am! I struggle to make the right choice all the time and by bein here an posting it definately helps me focus a bit more!

Hermia

Well done for everything you have done so far Judi. It does seem to me that you need to get planning better though as you seem to have had a few slip ups when shopping. Lists are wonderful things! I don't go near the shops without a list. If you are worried about things like the picnic cropping up in the future could you perhaps make use of BOGOFS when buying treats and then hiding the free one away from the kids. Whenever I get a BOGOF on biccies or sweets I hide the free one away. It's been a real blessing when someone suddenly wants to pop round for tea or I need to take biccies into work.

judi24 wrote: »

Cwtchie - Thanks for your encouragement - it means alot to be cheered on! I contantly struggle with spoiling the kids - I know that and I am trying hard to address this - I have always said that the reason I work so hard (long hours, constant study etc) has been to give my kids a better life - and I have made mistakes along the way!

Just remember that giving your kids lessons in budgeting and not getting hung up on material possessions will give your kids a better life. I truly have lost count of the amount of youngsters in my social circle who are either in debt or massively resentful because they can't afford all the lovely things they had living at home.

ampersand

judi, I have just read through your Thread and will subscribe.
#
I've agreed strongly with several key posts, viz: your not yet having had your lightbulb moment[Viola], bedsit bob re: board and lodging for daughter, absurd spending re: phone for daughter etc.etc.

I certainly do not think you are 'not serious or trying'[post above], but do think your frenetic scatter-gun approach and non-stickability are 2 things you must address and I promise these things will transform you and everything about your approach to Life, money, debt, managing, being Mum, being yourself, setting and controlling your own agenda.

I'd also say SLOW DOWN. Stop and involve everybody in choices, be it 'this week's job rota',[ job rota Where is this? You all live there], regular use of Library services/clubs/projects.

To make this a mindset change that LASTS, you simply STOP and that is that. Everyone adjusts, children even more easily than you - they won't have your old guilt/childhood denial overload. Instead, you will build a memory bank of Mum that serves the children well and sets up their own parenting. Each one of your 4 will still be themselves, but you will be setting the pattern.

As Teacher has found, your 4 individuals will each follow the pattern differently, but the model will be there to consult and recall.
I draw the parallel with a crochet multi-shade, multi-jacket I'm soon adapting, when I've sorted through my many caches of yarns, worked out how many threads to use of this shade and that, to obtain correct tension and dimensions, use up lots!...and it will be a fantastic one-off garment.

Let us say I take your credit cards[I wouldn't touch never-never money with a bargepole]and snip them up, right now, throw these bits of plastic in the bin. What will you do, at that very moment? You will not immediately starve, nor will your children. Much of our Western population would be healthier doing so.

The popcorn part-substitute provided much more than a healthier low-cost snack. [I hope you did it in a lidded saucepan with butter, no unnecessary gadgetry?:-)]
There was fun, shared cleaning up[et oui, what you use, you clean], maybe surplus for birds and their visits to watch. These are the sorts of simple scenarios which I'm sure you often intend.
Set these templates while you can. It's never too late to start and keep the line steady.

#56 - you would like to give dd2 driving lessons. dd2 can perfectly well decide for herself if SHE wants this. When she does, she can start saving for them. She's much more likely to set to, concentrate hard on her theory test, pass 1st time, knowing what work and saving for it has meant.

When instructor assesses her likely lesson number, offer sth like a BOGOF, if you feel you must offer anything at all, but car insurance/ownership is never going to be light, as dd1[and you]already know.
If it's her priority, she will find a way, but it mustn't be a debt way.
#
re: bedroom aka tip. Your at-home daughter has outgrown this licence now.
She won't forget to fling her own work clothing in the machine when she 'forgets' once or twice, BUT SO DO YOU:-)

You really need to total your debt properly. Why not do what so many do i.e. place it below your posts as a signature and keep it up to date.

judi, your #1 told us what you know, and what you know is yourself.

For over 8 years now you have yo-yo dieted with money which isn't really yours.

It belongs to Banks and Credit Card companies. They are earning nice profits from you.

You CAN stop playing catch-up.

I absolutely do not minimise the effect that some types of life with ex-OHs has had, or lapses this may have contributed to.
But such is Life and everybody has their story.
You are successful now in gaining money. [This already gives you a huge advantage. It is fantastic that you have such, mostly upbeat, desire to change and the means to do so.]

Now learn to be successful in keeping it. I, too, am a bilingual francophile and share your desire to be in l'hexagone sacr!:-)

I assume you always use Martin's checker for the car insurance. Your renewal figure looked high to me, nearly £200!

Use moneysupermnarket.com for all regular items, bulk purchases. Challenge youngest daughter to come up with best prices she can find:-) There is much to make a game of in all of this, rather than berating yourself for having fallen off the mse wagon again...which is how and why you began this Thread.

Tesco points pay for away nights for me, cheap eurotunnel, RHS membership, eating out at strada, caf! Rouge etc, assuage cabin fever. I play Tesco and Waitrose in tandem, for the best of both worlds. A free daily cappuccino is a benefit of the MyWaitrose card I really appreciate.

It's great hedgerow foraging time atm too - blackberrying, wild apples, bullaces, sloes, damsons, are all plentiful now, brillliant for h-m liqueurs at crimbo. Plenty of ideas on the old-style threads. Issue a challenge to those children who are at home with a Christmas Countdown - what they can each do/find/make/buy with a £x seed fund.
Encourage carboots and jumbles to be a natural part of experimenting cheaply as they find their own style, develop talents for making/altering/adapting.
Do not fear that any of this will encroach on school priorities. It enhances.
Little changes become a way of very satisfying Life.
#
Goodness me, I've just seen how long I've spent on this!
#
Soft hugs and best wishes to you all.
Virtual kettle's on for you to fill your own hot water bottle, than which there is no greater comfort, cuddly warmth and it can be pushed away, poured on the garden. If they're not there already, that can be a look-forward-to-choosing for each of you at Boots:-)
Will you each be starting an indoor hyacinth on a window-sill? It's time to buy them now.

ViolaLass

I've been impressed by your positive response to my posts. I think ampersand is right, slow down. You sound like your heart is in the right place - you just need to take a little more time to think before you spend money. Your kids will adapt and they will still love you.

Cwtchie

Have a good read of the old style board, jackieO is over there, she has no end if ideas and thrifty ways. One of the ideas she has is that you must have a little happy cash, not a great deal but it allows you to have a little of what you want without the need to feel guilty. Set the monthly amount you will have for treats/spoiling etc. and when it's gone, it's gone, then you can tell the kids why it's gone, what they have had and it would still be within budget. Maybe that way you can give the kids a choice," well it's either this or that, what do you want most?" they can choose. You might not feel so guilty doing it this way

judi24

ampersand wrote: »

judi, I have just read through your Thread and will subscribe.
#
I've agreed strongly with several key posts, viz: your not yet having had your lightbulb moment[Viola], bedsit bob re: board and lodging for daughter, absurd spending re: phone for daughter etc.etc.

I certainly do not think you are 'not serious or trying'[post above], but do think your frenetic scatter-gun approach and non-stickability are 2 things you must address and I promise these things will transform you and everything about your approach to Life, money, debt, managing, being Mum, being yourself, setting and controlling your own agenda.


This is absolutely true - my problem is I am struggling to change my approach!


I'd also say SLOW DOWN. Stop and involve everybody in choices, be it 'this week's job rota',[ job rota Where is this? You all live there], regular use of Library services/clubs/projects.


Definately need to do this!

To make this a mindset change that LASTS, you simply STOP and that is that. Everyone adjusts, children even more easily than you - they won't have your old guilt/childhood denial overload. Instead, you will build a memory bank of Mum that serves the children well and sets up their own parenting. Each one of your 4 will still be themselves, but you will be setting the pattern.

As Teacher has found, your 4 individuals will each follow the pattern differently, but the model will be there to consult and recall.
I draw the parallel with a crochet multi-shade, multi-jacket I'm soon adapting, when I've sorted through my many caches of yarns, worked out how many threads to use of this shade and that, to obtain correct tension and dimensions, use up lots!...and it will be a fantastic one-off garment.

Let us say I take your credit cards[I wouldn't touch never-never money with a bargepole]and snip them up, right now, throw these bits of plastic in the bin. What will you do, at that very moment? You will not immediately starve, nor will your children. Much of our Western population would be healthier doing so.



Credit cards are gone! cut up and in the bin!

The popcorn part-substitute provided much more than a healthier low-cost snack. [I hope you did it in a lidded saucepan with butter, no unnecessary gadgetry?:-)]
There was fun, shared cleaning up[et oui, what you use, you clean], maybe surplus for birds and their visits to watch. These are the sorts of simple scenarios which I'm sure you often intend.
Set these templates while you can. It's never too late to start and keep the line steady.

#56 - you would like to give dd2 driving lessons. dd2 can perfectly well decide for herself if SHE wants this. When she does, she can start saving for them. Se's much more likely to set to, concentrate hard on her theory test, pass 1st time, knowing what work and saving for it has meant.




When instructor assesses her likely lesson number, offer sth like a BOGOF, if you feel you must offer anything at all, but car insurance/ownership is never going to be light, as dd1[and you]already know.
If it's her priority, she will find a way, but it mustn't be a debt way.
#
She told me last night that she was hoping to have passed by Christmas - so at least she already has a plan and is setting her own prioroties

re: bedroom aka tip. Your at-home daughter has outgrown this licence now.
She won't forget to fling her own work clothing in the machine when she 'forgets' once or twice, BUT SO DO YOU:-)

You really need to total your debt properly. Why not do what so many do i.e. place it below your posts as a signature and keep it up to date.


Just moving a few bits around to make things simpler, closing cards with unused balances and then will total up again and put in signature


judi, your #1 told us what you know, and what you know is yourself.

For over 8 years now you have yo-yo dieted with money which isn't really yours.

It belongs to Banks and Credit Card companies. They are earning nice profits from you.

You CAN stop playing catch-up.

I absolutely do not minimise the effect that some types of life with ex-OHs has had, or lapses this may have contributed to.
But such is Life and everybody has their story.


Definately not making excuses - I totally agree everyone has thier story and mine is not bad compared with some - I know that!

You are successful now in gaining money. [This already gives you a huge advantage. It is fantastic that you have such, mostly upbeat, desire to change and the means to do so.]


I am luck to have a good job with a reasonable salary i could be and have been much worse off!

Now learn to be successful in keeping it. I, too, am a bilingual francophile and share your desire to be in l'hexagone sacr!:-)


We can dream can't we?


I assume you always use Martin's checker for the car insurance. Your renewal figure looked high to me, nearly £200! - I didn't think this was too bad for a year! I did shop around and the lowest I could get was £197

Use moneysupermnarket.com for all regular items, bulk purchases. Challenge youngest daughter to come up with best prices she can find:-) There is much to make a game of in all of this, rather than berating yourself for having fallen off the mse wagon again...which is how and why you began this Thread.


very true! need to be less negative about this and see it as a positive experience!

Tesco points pay for away nights for me, cheap eurotunnel, RHS membership, eating out at strada, caf! Rouge etc, assuage cabin fever. I play Tesco and Waitrose in tandem, for the best of both worlds. A free daily cappuccino is a benefit of the MyWaitrose card I really appreciate.

It's great hedgerow foraging time atm too - blackberrying, wild apples, bullaces, sloes, damsons, are all plentiful now, brillliant for h-m liqueurs at crimbo. Plenty of ideas on the old-style threads. Issue a challenge to those children who are at home with a Christmas Countdown - what they can each do/find/make/buy with a £x seed fund.


Love this idea - we do make sweets for gifts for family - but will look for more ideas and challenge kids to come up with some ideas

Encourage carboots and jumbles to be a natural part of experimenting cheaply as they find their own style, develop talents for making/altering/adapting.
Do not fear that any of this will encroach on school priorities. It enhances.
Little changes become a way of very satisfying Life.
#
Goodness me, I've just seen how long I've spent on this!
#
Soft hugs and best wishes to you all. Thank you
Virtual kettle's on for you to fill your own hot water bottle, than which there is no greater comfort, cuddly warmth and it can be pushed away, poured on the garden. If they're not there already, that can be a look-forward-to-choosing for each of you at Boots:-) So simple but so lovely - i guess this is the point you are trying to make - going to look for hotwater bottles today - I think we have some somewhere!
Will you each be starting an indoor hyacinth on a window-sill? It's time to buy them now.

What a lovely post thankyou Ampersand and thankyou for taking the time to point out some really important and pertinant points - it made me cry! I am chaotic and and disorganised - I want to live a simple life (eventually in France) but still get sucked into the comercial 'must have' modern day existance that I despise - I guess your coment 'you simply STOP and that is that' is exactly what I need to do!

judi24

ViolaLass wrote: »

I've been impressed by your positive response to my posts. I think ampersand is right, slow down. You sound like your heart is in the right place - you just need to take a little more time to think before you spend money. Your kids will adapt and they will still love you.

Haha i do think you are desprate for me to bite back with your very direct comments - but you are stating the ovbious (that i often don't see or don't want to see!) and for that I thank you!


I am trying and will get there! Its all in my mind and no one can change that except me! you're posts help - they give me the sharp poke that is helping me move in the right direction ( a bit like an electric cattle prod!!! - stuborn old cow that I am!)

judi24

Hermia - you are so right - I know that managing my money in a different way will be good for my kids and teach them valuable lessons - I guess its just as other have pointed out - a change in mind set that is needed!