Live in Care versus Care Home

jetplane

nad1611 wrote: »

I'll attempt to answer calmly as you say it's difficult to gauge tone but you have not gauged my tone correctly.

Which is why I apologised before I replied. Your post also gives more info, self funding gives you many options that others will not have had. If social services are paying for care the person does not have the option of staying in their own home as there is a maximum amount of care that can be offered in the home, so comparing costs is not a choice.

If the majority of care is left to you and your brother then surely you both have the majority say? If your brothers fears are allayed and your father can afford the care then I would agree. Both of my parents were looked after at home and, as they were self funding, we never bothered comparing the costs.

Ensure he receives his Attendance Allowance to help maximise his income. Surely if you and your brother agree then the others cant object to a trial period can they?

jewelly

My neighbour is 88 and has dementia. She had carers coming and going for a few years, but now has a live in carer provided by an agency. This works very well for her, she is quite happy and content. I do think it's best for a person to stay in their own home if at all possible so would recommend that you pursue this avenue. Who would want to leave their home unless absolutely necessary? You seem to be the most aware in your family of what is best for your Dad - and that has to be paramount in any decision making.

The carer has to have 2 hours break per day which is provided for by the son, daughter or myself. The daughter takes the lead responsibility in making sure cover is provided, and if there is a gap she arranges for the agency to provide the cover. She also looks after paying bills etc.

My neighbours care needs are slightly higher than your Dads by the sound of it. She is becoming incontinent/soiling pads, but the carer can deal with this. She can't walk very far or stand for too long, so needs help with washing and dressing. She has a hairdresser that comes to the house every 2 weeks and a chiropodist that visits regularly. She has been fortunate to have the same carer for the past few months who is fantastic. She has holidays from time to time, when another carer is provided to cover for that time.

It might work better without your brother being there. I think it could feel awkward for the carer otherwise.

I hope you are able to make the right decision for your Dad. Good luck.

nad1611

Thanks for this. I think following a conversation with my brother yesterday that his feelings about what's best for Dad are being clouded by what he's going to do about where he lives. As said I think he feels it would look as though he no longer has a place in the house and would seem as though he should therefore think about moving out. I think in his mind he hasn't fully prepared for this moment despite it looming for the past year.
I think generally it will be a case of Dad going into a home as I feel that others will look at my brother's needs before my Dad's. I'm really not unsympathetic to his plight but it's not my first consideration which will always be Dad, particularly as Dad could afford this.

Primrose

My father had dementia and because of complicated circumstances ended up in a care home. It was an emergency and I was trying to cope with several other serious family issues at the time so there was no other option as I was his sole carer. . He went rapidly downhill in a strange environment and I would give anything to replay the scenario and have hin looked after at home. I am sure he would have lived longer and been far happier in his own home, in a place he loved surrounded by his own familiar belongings. The distress he suffered in a strange place, and not understanding why he was there still haunts me.

Mojisola

Primrose wrote: »

My father had dementia and because of complicated circumstances ended up in a care home. It was an emergency and I was trying to cope with several other serious family issues at the time so there was no other option as I was his sole carer. . He went rapidly downhill in a strange environment and I would give anything to replay the scenario and have hin looked after at home. I am sure he would have lived longer and been far happier in his own home, in a place he loved surrounded by his own familiar belongings. The distress he suffered in a strange place, and not understanding why he was there still haunts me.

This is one of the dilemmas with a relative with dementia.

Making the decision to move to a care home at a time when everything can be done in a planned way and before they are too ill to adjust to new surroundings is probably the best way to go but sometimes it all has to be done in a rush and that's far less likely to go well.

Don't dwell on it too much - we all do the best we can in the circumstances we're dealing with. You know how things happened and are comparing that to an ideal situation. In real life, the "ideal situation" might not have worked out so well either.

Mr_Toad

nad1611 wrote: »

Following on from other threads on this matter I'm wondering if anyone chose to have a live in carer instead of arranging for a relative to go into a Home.
My father has dementia and we are a big family. Needless to say there are differing opinions on what's best for him. My feeling is that his own home would always be the best place for Dad for as long as it can be managed. Others feel enough is enough and he'll only get the "right care" in a Nursing Home. A few weeks back my brother who lives with him said he couldn't do this any longer and it seemed the only option was a Nursing Home and we started loking at choices for Dad.

Dad has carers in every day at present, my brother who lives with Dad had some time away. Dad had the same carer for 5 days staying both day and night and I saw Dad every afternoon to check all was well. I saw a marked change in Dad for the better, he seemed much calmer and relaxed and wasn't getting his usual bouts of agitation. I think having someone actually sitting with him and being there literally every minute had a positive effect.

So it then got me thinking are we jumping the gun a bit here. Why are we moving Dad out when he could get the care he needs at home. My argument being that it would be one on one care in his own home, no upheaval and we'll be able to keep a better eye on him and review his care better than in a home.

So does anyone have any experience of this? How did it work for you? How did the costs compare to being in a Care Home?
Thanks in advance.

I feel for you and in particular for your brother.

My parents had/have dementia and I'm the only living relative. At first it was just Dad and Mum was his sole carer but her calls to me became more frequent and it was obvious that she too was in the early stages.

I work from home and although it wasn't an easy decision I gave up my home and moved in with them to keep an eye on them.

It wasn't long before Dad had to go into a care home as the house could not be adapted to his needs. Sadly as soon as he went in Mum got a lot worse, it was as if caring for Dad had kept her going.

Dad died in Feb. after two and a half years in the care home.

I cared for her and it got harder and harder and she wasn't happy. She reached the stage where I had become her husband in her mind and she couldn't understand that I was her son. It lead to anxiety and confrontation.

In the end it made me ill and she went into a care home for respite care so I could recover. While in the home Social Services assessed her and decided it wasn't safe for her to come home, she had lost all sense of personal safety and one person simply couldn't look after her any more.

I felt guilty and relief in equal measure.

Her house, which was now my home was disregarded because I had lived there nearly five years and the fact that I had been a sole carer was the reason. In their words we wont chuck you out after you gave up years of your life to look after them.

I'd be surprised if your brother had to leave the house.

You mention that while the carer was in your father was a lot happier. This could be because he isn't family and therefore causes no confusion in his mind. It could well be that as parts of your fathers mind disappear he is confusing your brother for someone else, like Mum did and this causes anxiety and confusion.

Now that Mum is in a home I've never seen her happier, she has company, people like her who don't care or remember if she repeats the same thing over and over and excellent 24/7 care.

I wish you and your family luck with what is a difficult time for you all.

zouzou

Slightly off-topic - just wanted to say thank you to nad1611 and to everyone who's replied giving advice and opinions. I know I will be facing this issue too at some point. Discussions like this help me to prepare. My heart goes out to the OP and to others in this difficult situation.

nad1611

I too have to say thank you to everyone, sharing what are obviously sometimes extremely painful and difficult memories. What is clear from everyone's experience is that there is no clear and cut answer to any situation and at the end of the day we all do what we feel is best at the time, we really can do nothing more than that can we.

Primrose like you, there are a lot of family issues going on for me at present which make this situaion with Dad even harder to come to terms with. Unfortunately life rarely gives us one problem at a time, it always seems when you already have too much on your plate, life will dish out another helping. You did what you could, no more no less.
Mr Toad I'm so glad your story ended as happily as it could and thanks for sharing your story it really helps.
It seems obvious that we are none of us prepared for these or other difficult situations in life and some will cope better than others, but one of my other brothers said something very important this morning, what we need to remember is this is about Dad's needs and the rest of us should try not to make this any more difficult than it needs to be, so really about being open and honest about what we can or want to actually cope with. Thanks so much everyone.