Advice please re MIL

thorsoak

If you don't do it, and you stay home for the sake of your MiL, you will finish up resenting her - and that will spoil your relationship with her.

Go for it, every woman needs to carve out her own career - and its not as if you are going to the other end of the country - only to work for a certain number of hours a week.

Errata

My question is I am selfish in wanting to go to college,

Not in the slightest, and if your MIL wants each day to " call up to 8 times for up to an hour each time," she needs a psychiatric help, not yours.

BigAunty

Is she receiving adequate medical and health support, including perhaps the mental health side of things as she appears to have emotional issues, too?

If you outline a bit more her diagnosed issues, some posters may be able to advise of particular organisations that may be able to provide support or advice to her.

Does your MIL receive any sickness or disability benefits? Would she qualify for a social services assessment to see if they can provide any practical support? The benefits forum might be able to tell you how this might work as I'm not au fait with this side of things. Certain benefit claimants qualify for someone to receive Carers Allowance to look after them for at least 30? 35 hours per week. See the Direct Gov website for more info on this.

It isn't practical for you to be on call to her to the extent that she wishes and though she's obviously got a strong desire and perhaps need for this, it really holds you back and also puts her in a comfort zone where she is disincentivised from considering other options.

If she is hitting a big low, you could gently suggest she speaks to the Samaritans to get stuff off her chest. Though they have the reputation for being solely about suicide prevention, their actual mission is to provide emotional support to anyone experiencing a crisis.

Why if she lives with her husband is she so lonely that she calls you so often and for so long?

Is she internet savvy? She may find an online community reduces her isolation. Okay, it's not the same as actual contact but she can find like minded people online, including forums and websites for her specific illnesses/disability.

jackyann

Totally with the other posters in principle. In practice:

You don't say if you have discussed this with her son, your husband. You need to, very seriously. He needs to be with you, bth for your job & studying, and for his mum.
If he isn't, then you need to sort things out between you, and if this is too big a stumbling block, consider deferring (NOT giving up, just deferring!) whilst you do establish how things are going to work in the family.
If he is (and I really hope he is!) then get a plan of action going, involving the 2 men (and if appropriate the children).
Begin by saying "this is important to me / us and we, as a family, need to work out how we can work together to make it happen"
Leave her some time to think about it (she may already be doing so)
then say that you need to get some clear timings so everyone knows where they stand.
Work out who will call when, and maybe make some dependent on her doing something eg: "I will call at 10am and take you to the church coffee morning, and X will pick you up at 11.30"; "Montmorency will come round after school on Tuesday and have tea with you, his dad will pick him up at 5.30". That sort of thing.
Be sympathetic, but clear.

I think that if she is basically a nice person, she will be slightly regretting her outburst and will be thinking about how to make it work.
If she isn't, and is waiting for you to change your mind, then she doesn't deserve you!

But do get a proper structure in place before term starts, or you will be pulled every which way and unable to concentrate! Good luck!

pollypenny

You must do it!

Your future will be longer than hers, hopefully, and you need to think about both fulfilment and earnings.

I thought the thread was going to be about her refusing to help with child care.

Errata

Your first duty is to your OH and children and doing what's best for them.
Parents come second.

Reams

Errata wrote: »

Not in the slightest, and if your MIL wants each day to " call up to 8 times for up to an hour each time," she needs a psychiatric help, not yours.

Even if she's calling eight times a day for a few minutes, that would be so disruptive to your life.
Your husband needs to talk to her husband as this is not your problem. You go and re-start your career and the best of luck with it.

Reams

jackyann wrote: »

Totally with the other posters in principle. In practice:

You don't say if you have discussed this with her son, your husband. You need to, very seriously. He needs to be with you, bth for your job & studying, and for his mum.
If he isn't, then you need to sort things out between you, and if this is too big a stumbling block, consider deferring (NOT giving up, just deferring!) whilst you do establish how things are going to work in the family.
If he is (and I really hope he is!) then get a plan of action going, involving the 2 men (and if appropriate the children).
Begin by saying "this is important to me / us and we, as a family, need to work out how we can work together to make it happen"
Leave her some time to think about it (she may already be doing so)
then say that you need to get some clear timings so everyone knows where they stand.
Work out who will call when, and maybe make some dependent on her doing something eg: "I will call at 10am and take you to the church coffee morning, and X will pick you up at 11.30"; "Montmorency will come round after school on Tuesday and have tea with you, his dad will pick him up at 5.30". That sort of thing.
Be sympathetic, but clear.

I think that if she is basically a nice person, she will be slightly regretting her outburst and will be thinking about how to make it work.
If she isn't, and is waiting for you to change your mind, then she doesn't deserve you!

But do get a proper structure in place before term starts, or you will be pulled every which way and unable to concentrate! Good luck!

I think your advice is far too pandering to what she wants. She has a husband, she has a son. Seems both have shoved the problem on to the DIL. How very convenient except now DIL wishes to carve a career for herself it may take more commitment from the pair of them. Tough!
Go do it DIL and let the men sort her out. Their family, their problem.

CH27

thorsoak wrote: »

If you don't do it, and you stay home for the sake of your MiL, you will finish up resenting her - and that will spoil your relationship with her.

Go for it, every woman needs to carve out her own career - and its not as if you are going to the other end of the country - only to work for a certain number of hours a week.

That's exactly what I was going to post.

wortblossom

Thank you all so much for all your really supportive and positive replies. I means alot to know I am doing the right thing, not just for myself but for my MIL. I have spoken to my husband (her son) about the situation and we both hope it will encourage her to branch out from the home, join groups and make friends. Hopefully it will be a positive thing all round (thats me being really optomisitic lol).
For those who asked MIL's husband doesnt engage with her during the day, he tends to wake up and go out all day on his motorbike or with the dogs. As a couple they dont have much in common and little conversation, so she tend to look to her son and me for that whats missing in the relationship.
Health wise - she refuses to accept any support for her emotional/mental health despite it being offered many times by her gp. This is the same for any disability benefits for her physical health. Physical problems include :- polymyalgia, failing kidneys, diabeties, cataracts in both eyes - name a few.
I think the online forums etc would be a great idea for her, so she can access it as and when she feels up to it. Small steps are key and I think that would be a great start for her.
Again I must thank you all for you support and advice.