Advice please re MIL

wortblossom

My youngest is about to start school in September so after some thought I decided to go to college and do a Teaching Assistant Course. I got through the interview at the college and found my own placement at a local school. Then I spoke to my MIL, she was in tears about it, she said she didnt know what she'd do without me. Her situation is she is married, and has many health problems, including muscle problems which mean she is basically stuck in the house all the time. She doesnt have any friends outside of her husband , my husband and our family. We have encouraged and helped her to join groups etc but shes not either willing or in the right state of mind to do so. She relies heavily on calling me during the day - she will call up to 8 times for up to an hour each time, as she has no one else to talk to and is very lonely.
My question is I am selfish in wanting to go to college, is it something I should be doing if she needs me so much? I cant see her situation changing any time soon health wise. I have thought about waiting a year and giving her time to sort things out for herself, but in all honesty I cant see her doing it. Im at a loss of what to do, I dont want to just abandon her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

sulphate

You aren't selfish. Yes your MIL is in a difficult position but you can't let her dependency (which sounds unhealthy) on you rule your life. You must move on with your life too.

Tygermoth

Sorry short n sweet as i am on the way out the door.

Do it. if you cant see her changing, if help has been offered and refused, if she chooses to rely on you and only you maybe this push is what she needs.

I would offer her the groups, meet up and services you have done before but advise her this is a once in a live time thing and you HAVE to take it

savingmummy

No you are not selfish at all!! Your not abandoning her either, your living your life as you wish too.


This could be what your MIL needs, not having you around will make her realise she needs to find hobbies or something new to pass time.


Good luck.

mrsp89

Agree with other posters that you definately are not selfish! You must go for it ... you can't put your life on hold for anyone else!

Reassure her that you will still be there for her as i'm sure you will be - ring her on your breaks if needs be - im sure there will be plenty of breaks within the day.

I'm sure she wouldnt want you to waste your life on being there for her - maybe it was just an instant reaction and she hasnt really thought about it? Maybe speak to her again and see if shes had time to let it sink it? It would be totally unfair (and selfish) of her to not let you do what you want to do.

It sounds like you have gave a lot up in the past for her so hopefully she'll come round!

Good luck!

elsien

Another vote to go for it. I think you're right that if she likes things as they are and has no incentive to change then another year will make no difference to her but might mean you lose the opportunity.
If she needs to phone and talk to someone then she has a husband, she has a son. Nothing to stop them from giving her a ring in breaks/quiet times if they work. I know it's not generally considered to be a bloke thing but that's an excuse in my book to lay all the emotional stuff on the female family members and it's not right and not fair to push all the guilt onto you.
If she's not able or willing to get out and about is there any sort of befriender scheme locally whereby someone can visit her at home as an interim step? You don't say how old she is, but might Age UK know of anything locallly that would suit? Or if she's younger, a disability organisation that might be able to help. She's not going to be able to reduce her dependence on you if you carry on giving up your wishes to suit hers.
I do think the male members of the family should be stepping up to mark on this one, after all they're the blood relatives. Having a penis does not exempt them from this. (I'll get off my soap box now.)

Lemon_Tree

I don't think that you are being selfish by wanting to go to college, it sounds to me like your MIL needs to step back a little and not rely on you so much, the calls certainly sound like too much, IMHO. I don't think waiting a year will help as she is likely to just procrastinate for the entire year and also maybe if you are not there so readily then she may make more of an effort to build herself a bit more of a contact group/ life. Hope you can make a decision which works for you without too much additional grief and emotional blackmail. Good luck

Mojisola

If she gets benefits for her health problems, would she pay for a carer to come in for company?

fivetide

Thanked everyone in the thread so far. Spot on, you have a life to live, it is her who is unfortunately being selfish and not recognising this. She has to do more to help herself I'm afraid or as above, sort out some cover.

Good luck OP!

marisco_2

wortblossom wrote: »

My youngest is about to start school in September so after some thought I decided to go to college and do a Teaching Assistant Course. I got through the interview at the college and found my own placement at a local school.

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on this achievement. I am a teacher and know just how hard it is to get a foot in the door and work in schools now. Competition is high as many people wish to work with children, and to have working hours that fit around their own families. So you have done really well in securing a placement. I have known several people do the same as you and they have gone on to be employed.

Please don't give up on this opportunity now. You are not being selfish at all in wishing to pursue something for yourself and your family unit. You come across as a really caring person who has much to offer to the role. I am sure you will prove to be a real asset to the school.

Your MIL has come to rely on you too much. She needs to step back and accept the help and support from the organisations that you have recommended to her. She also has her husband around for company too. Best of luck on your course, I hope you will really enjoy it.

barbiedoll

Of course you're not being selfish, you have a wonderful opportunity waiting for you and helping to teach our children is just as important as looking after our older folk!

I'm in agreement with other posters who have said that she will simply have to get on with it. There is help available, she just needs to avail herself of it. You may well be doing her a favour, she cannot realistically expect you to be available all day every day, just to speak to her on the phone.

Why is she so lonely? Does her husband not engage with her during the day? I'm all for supporting parents/in-laws but constantly calling you during the day is a little needy, health problems or not.

Please don't feel guilty, she is not your sole responsibility, as elsien says, the men in the family will need to step up now.

Good luck for next term!