My new boyfriend is a wonderful person but never offers to pay for anything

Tigsteroonie

Now don't take this the wrong way anybody, I'm not trying to diagnose a problem where there isn't one ... but the oddness of behaviour / lack of social skills struck me as almost Aspergers-like.

pawsies

Why not go on 'free' dates?

Dates to the museum, gallery, park etc. That might make him relax more- take a picnic don't always spend money!

sharp910sh

He sounds like he is gay. Or not interested. No kiss after 4 months. wow.

moneyistooshorttomention

I'm also wondering about the never having kissed even and would define him as friend and not boyfriend and not actually that close a friend either.

My experience of boyfriends boiled down to they might kiss me on first date, definitely would on second date and would probably be expecting "rather more" than kissing round about the 4th/5th date.

That was, overall, the norm to me.

I've recently had some "differences" re being expected to "treat" a friend and that was just a friend (ie someone of the same sex as myself). As a woman, I just wouldn't treat a man unless I was expecting some reciprocal gesture back.

I'm just not quite sure what you are getting from this relationship? Is it difficult to find people to accompany you to places you would like to go to otherwise and that's the reason you are sticking with it?

pinkshoes

If I were you, I'd move on...

anotheruser

Why do people think he is gay?
Because your partners watch football, drink beer and want to get in your pants at every opportunity?

Saying that, there is something clearly odd about this relationship.

OP - you need to think what a RELATIONSHIP means to you. If this guy isn't heading down that road then there is no point in wasting his or your time. Don't listen if he says he will change - that's just the break-up talking.

You have high standards, there is nothing wrong with that and keep it. Many people don't have high standards and end up on Jeremy Kyle with a baby in tow, another on the way with "some guy".

Good luck and don't forget to update here with what's happened

sassyblue

anotheruser wrote: »

Why do people think he is gay?
Because your partners watch football, drink beer and want to get in your pants at every opportunity?

No need to be offensive. Gay people can also like football, beer and sex.

There's been lots of suggestions as to why he's seemingly not interested in OP, being homosexual is just one of them, why are you touchy about the gay suggestion?

Errata

Why do people think he is gay?

No idea, it seems quite bizarre that the OP has only managed to give him a peck on the cheek in 4 months. Perhaps she's gay?

Primrose

I can only comment that if you're starting to get all these doubts after only two months, think how his habits will start to irritate you after two years. It doesn't really sound as if the two of you are very compatible on lots of aspects and once the initial chemistry of the relationship wears off you may find things going even further downhill. It does sound as if he's unskilled at engaging emotionally and physically and in time this problem may spill over to his relatinships with your family and friends and become an isolating an embarrassing experience for you. How honestly have you been able to talk to him about how these issues are starting to make you feel uncomfortable about the relationship? He at least deserves an opportunity to put his point of view.

miss_independent

Does he refer to you as his girlfriend?

All I can say is that you deserve better than this and I am speaking from personal experience. This man is not treating you as a girlfriend. It may sound harsh but it is true and maybe you need to have a chat about your expectations of a relationship with each other before you decide to either make a proper go of it or just be friends.

I was recently in a similar situation with a colleague. For six months him and I were inseparable and everyone naturally assumed that not only were we a couple but a couple who were very much in love. For me, that was true - I was totally besotted with him. In every way except kissing, sex and finances, he treated me like a girlfriend but things never progressed.

Last month we went on three dates in one week. I drove him everywhere, we either went dutch or I payed for everything - he made no financial contribution to petrol or other expenses. However, we had an amazing time together and it was very romantic, he really opened up to me and vice versa but he never tried to kiss me or make any physical moves aside from cuddling/handholding. Everyone asked why I didn't just kiss him but he is well over a foot taller than me lol! Also he seems to get uncomfortable when I have became more physical in the past.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I realised this was not what I needed from a boyfriend. Like you said about your man, he is very respectful towards women and on so many levels (he is a total gentleman, intellectual, values match mine) I don't know that I will ever find in another man. On the other hand, he is commitment phobic, would never treat me to a coffee even but is quite happy to take off me and even suggest I give him little gifts (which I obliged) but has no intention of reciprocating and he is too passive for me, especially physically. I need to know I am with someone whose feelings are just as strong as mine, otherwise, after a time I start to doubt whether I am all that special to the person. With him, I was constantly doubting myself. He meant the world to me and I was giving a lot but getting very little back except the knowledge that I was boosting his ego and giving him self-confidence. He was doing nothing to show he cared, to be honest he sounds a lot like your guy (i.e could buy himself daft stuff but would happily let me cover his expenses). I decided we should just be good friends and both of us seem happy with that, which proves the point that he never wanted me in the first place. I still believe he is a great guy but we just aren't right for each other and there is no point flogging a dead horse.

Ask yourself what you want from a relationship and how you define a relationship. Ask him. If it doesn't match up, move on as it will never work. If you decide to give it a go, you have to be honest about your needs in terms of affection and the fact that you would appreciate the odd treat as it makes you feel like he cares.