My new boyfriend is a wonderful person but never offers to pay for anything

skeldisco

I have dated my boyfriend for 4 months total, we have only been in an official relationship for the last 2. I asked him out first. He has been unemployed since January and told me that on the second date. I was ok with it because he told me he was actively looking for work and I decided to at least date him and see what kind of person he is (would have broke it off immediately if it turned out he was a lazy slacker, etc).

For the duration of the 4 months, we have split the bill or I have paid. I'd say it's about 70% splitting the bill, 30% me paying for both of us. I paid for the first date (coffee). I don't mind paying, it's not about the money. But he basically never offers to pay. When the bill comes, he wordlessly puts out enough money to cover what he ordered and waits for me to put in my part. If I offer to pay, he never refuses, though sometimes he says he'll pay me back or he'll get the next one but never brings it up again. At first it didn't bother me, because guys in the past have expected things from me because they paid for me, so it was actually a relief at the beginning that my now-bf wasn't like that. He's unemployed so obviously he has to be careful, and I know he's financially responsible because he said he still has 70% of the savings from all the jobs he's ever worked. Once he gave me a bus ticket because I couldn't get home otherwise, and then a week or two later, when we saw each other, I had to buy more bus tickets, he tried to ask for his ticket back. I have noticed that he regularly buys comics, book, CDs (sometimes impulsively when we're going out), and last week I jokingly asked him about it, and he declared proudly that he is great at finding bargains.

Once, I tested him by deliberately waiting and not saying anything when the waiter asked if we were splitting the bill or not. I just pretended I was digging in my wallet. After an awkward minute of silence, my bf sort of reluctantly(?) said he'll cover the bill this time. I felt so guilty testing him like that that I vowed never to do it again. Honestly, it's not about the money. I work 2 jobs, I can pay, I just feel like it's a bit one-sided and even just to offer would be nice.

He is a genuinely good person at heart. He has been so understanding of me as I've been really busy and stressed and haven't had as much time for him (I've just gotten my 2nd job; I have also been in summer school for the last month, to add credits so I can get a masters degree). He was very supportive and stood up for me when a mutual acquaintance was essentially borderline sexually harassing me before. He is very respectful of me, knows I'm a feminist and doesn't seem to be bothered by it. In fact, sometimes I'm really afraid that I will never be able to find another guy so respectful of women if we break up.

To me, the problems seem to come from him being very very very inexperienced with girls, and he doesn't want to screw up by doing the wrong thing, so he prefers to wait for me to initiate. He's dated only 1 girl before but I get the impression it was short, a bad experience and that she was really really clingy. So maybe he's unaware of what to do?

I've noticed from the beginning that he tends to be passive. I pretty much initiate physically nearly all of the time. We've never kissed, although I have kissed him on the cheek. If I don't grab his hand or touch him or anything, he will wait and make no moves at all most of the time. I feel like if I never did anything, dates could end with us not even touching each other at all. He also rarely contacts me when we don't see each other in person (we meet up about once a week, he doesn't seem to enjoy texting, really slow replies, and has never called me, although I have called him up several times before and he didn't seem to have a problem chatting with me for about 20-30 minutes). He seems to need 100% confirmation that I will be ok with something before going for it, which usually means I am the one who has to bring it up/make the move. He will sometimes bring up getting together to do something but it almost feels like he avoids asking me directly... Like he'll bring it up and wait for me to say "Cool, let's go together". He also seems to avoid talking about our relationship.

When I'm actually with him, we have great conversations most of the time, and I almost don't mind how little physical contact there is. While each of these things seemed really little at the beginning and not a big deal, they are all adding up now, and I've been very dissatisfied with the relationship for the last month or so. I asked him a few days ago to call me once in a while just to chat because we hardly communicate and I've been feeling very disconnected from him. He immediately apologized and said he'll try so I'll see about that. I plan on talking to him about the money thing, and my being unhappy with the relationship the next time I see him.
I feel very ambivalent about my relationship. I know part of this is just his personality. A mutual friend commented when we first started dating that he seems to be a more passive guy who may need me to initiate. I noticed I have a pattern of dating similar guys. I have been frustrated with guys in the past for not taking action. It usually ends after a few months due to me growing frustrated. Am I just staying with my boyfriend because I want to break the pattern? Or are my expectations way too high? I feel like we've lost the emotional connection and there's hardly a physical one, and I'm not sure if it's worth trying to get it back. Sometimes I feel like he would be happier with a girl who would initiate most of the time, whereas I feel like I am already doing so much of the heavy lifting and would love it if the guy took more action. I'm unsure of my attraction to him anymore, or is it just frustration with how things are? And then I feel guilty because maybe I am just not appreciating him enough? I know I am also at fault with this because I should have talked to him about it sooner, before things became like this.

I guess I just want some more perspectives. Your thoughts?

hieveryone

My first, very initial, thought is that there are social skills lacking here.

Second thought is that he is very careful with money in general, and going on that 'you're a feminist', he may not think you have a problem with paying your own way and being equal?

It does come across very strangely I have to say. Asking for a bus ticket back? I'd have been issuing a 'goodbye' there and then!

dogcat_2

To me...from what you've said...either very shy...or just not that interested.

sulphate

Do YOU think he is actively looking for work? Does he talk about applications, interviews etc?

tinkerbell28

Things shouldn't be this hard 4 months in. You should still be swinging off the chandeliers, not stressing about finances and how little contact there is.

I'd be off.

summerspring

It does sound a little odd, to be honest!

2-4 months and you've not so much as kissed each other?
He never calls you or texts you and rarely contacts you (though seems happy to talk when YOU phone)?

Sounds like more of a friend than a boyfriend or lover.

*max*

You have never kissed since you started dating 4 months ago?

January20

Well, of course he doesn't mind you having 2 jobs. Means you have more money to spend on dates with him!

From your post, OP, I would say he is not just careful with money, he is miserly (asking for a bus ticket back!) and not really that interested in you as a girlfriend (lack of physical contact).

If it's that difficult after 4 months, what will it be like in a year's time?

martinthebandit

Oh dear.

Do you really want to be working two jobs and supporting him for the rest of your life?

You don't need me to tell you the answer do you?

Newly_retired

Two immediate thoughts
He's unemployed, so is hard up, though you say he does buy CDs etc, but maybe not at full price? Do you know how much, sorry little he gets as a job seeker? It's a pittance, so maybe he cannot afford to pay for you. At least he pays his way. Phone calls cost money too, so maybe he is being careful with his money, especially as you have two jobs.
Secondly you say you are a feminist, so why would you expect him to pick up the tab for both of you?

Leaving that aside, it does sound as though you are not really suited. I think you should try to have a frank conversation about your expectations, allowing him to express his thoughts too, not just imposing your views on him.

Alikay

What makes you think he's your boyfriend? There's no kissing, let alone anything more, he is happy to let you pay and he's fairly lackadaisical about texting and doesn't seem to want to meet up that frequently.

Perhaps he just sees you as a casual friend.
Perhaps he's very mean (and it doesn't usually end at money: Misers tend not to like giving anything of themselves).
Perhaps he has an autistic spectrum disorder and genuinely doesn't "get" relationships.